A lot of what you've talked about suggests to me you have internalized transphobia to an enormous degree and perhaps hold a double standard about it. A reverse double standard lol, as in you'd never say what you've said to another trans woman. As in you'd never say "your life is not worth living, you are trans and therefore your life is worthless" but you're all too happy to say that to yourself.

Finding joy in being trans is how I feel, that doesn't have to be how you feel but I don't think it's helpful to yourself or others to wallow in shame and self pity and self disgust. Treat yourself like you would any other trans person you might meet, or any other woman. I know you want to be stealth and I find being stealth sometimes necessary to safety but not engaging in a community of trans people irl is doing yourself such a disservice. You seem like you think you're irrevocably cut off from hegemonic cis society and you've now chosen to cut yourself off from your trans brothers, sisters and siblings in general. To whatever degree you need stealth to be safe, I'd still suggest you go and speak with the other Danish trans people in a local group. I think you'll find a lot of your struggles and self conceptions are something shared with a lot of trans women and men and enbies, and that some people have grown beyond them. Maybe you'll never be interested in taking pride over being trans or finding it joyful, but at least you might stop feeling so bad about it.