Hiiii!
Today: a short yap about computer hardware:
Damn I love the AM4 socket its so upgradable yay, bought a Ryzen 9 5900X for our old desktop soon to be homelab and so excited for it.
Computers are fun! ~~(and expensive)~~
Join our public Matrix server!
https://matrix.to//#/#tracha-space:transfem.dev
https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
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I don't know how I want to look.
I don't know who I want to date.
I don't know how to decide when it changes every day. Every hour.
Two big fucking pendulums, gender and sexuality, both going at their own pace, almost never moving at the same time as one another.
how do you feel your relationship between gender and sexuality is connected?
I guess I was equally confused about both for a while, and didn't fully recognize them as separate until I had to explore my own sexuality.
spoiler
My sexuality feels ambivalent. It's like, I'll see someone and like their vibe, and their gender doesn't occur to me.But with my gender, I'm like, what expresses who I am? When do I feel like me, when do I wish I felt some other way? I default to these very short grunted replies and I'm like, embarrassed to be using my "guy voice" even though it's just my voice, default, you know?
Sometimes I can live with being male enough, a "dude", but I don't want to be a man. I feel like presenting as male stops me from pursuing a lot of friendships and relationships that I probably otherwise would pursue.
I assume that people see me a certain way and just don't want to talk to me because I look like a tall pale skinny awkward man. Like, i know I'm a recovering nice guy and people pleaser, I'm just the exact type of guy I've heard so many people complain about in relationships. Why do that to someone else?
I don't feel like I can like express my sexuality in a way that makes sense until my gender expression is more settled, mostly because I worry about how I come off. I worry about making people uncomfortable.