anti_cishet_aktion

[CW: discussion of letting go internalized NBphobia and transphobia]

Started dating gay men again after accepting androgyny as my current gender goal. Like in my heart, I know I am a trans woman, but the years I spent living as such were more miserable than the ones I spent as actively closeted.

For a long time, I struggled with this reactionary NBphobia centered around the thought 'I am only NB because I don't feel safe as a binary trans woman; there is not a legitimate non-binary identity.' After a lot of guilt and introspection, I have let go of this sentiment and love being an androgynous fairy!

I think an analogous incorrect thought process many people have is 'many people are asexual as a trauma response. Therefore asexuality is not something innate-legitimate like homo-sexuality. Therefore it is not a legitimate orientation///it can be """fixed"""' This is a product or an extension of the 'born this way' narrative many trans people were/are forced to tell to gain any toleration from cishet society. It was one that had left deep scars on my psyche.

In actuality, what really matters is 'where you are now': what gender you are actually living as, what sexuality you are actually experiencing. Right now, I am not a trans woman. Right now, I AM non-binary and mainly read as a grungy femme gay man. Right now, that is the closest to my 'legitimate' gender that I can feel safe in living.

It's great! I love my trans boyfriend. I like the casual sensuality I am able to have with cis gay dudes. I feel safe at night and in public in ways I did not as an obviously trans woman.

Whereas previously some amount of that was projected outwards or inflected how I viewed other queers, now I have mostly let go of self judgement and let go of the reactionary social attitudes that were necessary to justify my self-loathing and discomfort.

It's good to be me. It's good to be gay. It's good to be queer.

I went on a date with someone who I think is cool and want to keep seeing them but they live kind of far away and we're both busy and I don't know how to proceed from here. I want to at least be friends and hang out occasionally because I have no queer people in my social circle.

I love my girlfriend, and I love being her girlfriend :)

Researching HRT currently, lot of info to learn

I'm fresh out the psychward and I missed my gf so much but she's asleep right next to me rn and my dog is cuddling next to me too. I am so fucking happy. I have so much to worry about but right now I just feel so loved.

hii everyone

I like men. And also women.

Gonna happypost a little - nine years on from starting hormones, I'm pretty pleased with myself & my life.

In some ways it kind of feels like I haven't changed dramatically, because I don't do makeup or dress fancy like all the freshly-trans transfemmes do, but I also feel very chill. I have shed my personally-unhealthy compulsion towards aggressively feminine clothes and commonly wear jeans and oversized men's tees, or just loose flannels/button ups. I dress for a balance of comfort and aesthetic, and the resulting androgynous-leaning-femme look is something I like. I don't even wear a bra most days, because they're UNCOMFORTABLE AND SUCK! I basically dress like a tomboy I guess, and it feels so good.

I share a home with my wife who I love, I've been out full-time for the entire time I've been on hormones, and shockingly I am building a small social circle of queer people online, which is not something I've ever had before. I'm working through issues around being asexual, I love myself & my body, I'm happy being autistic in my own space. Who I am now is who 15-year-old me desperately wanted to be. I am my own goals from a decade ago.

Also I'm gonna read Blackshirts & Reds this coming week which is gonna be awesome.

Starting to feel a little nipple pain. It feels quite early but the doctor said it can start at two weeks so I guess that's normal since I'm at like 3. I'm just gonna assume the actual growth takes a while.

I am very very excited and can't stop thinking about it all the time though. Especially since it's the first tangible change I've noticed outside of libido stuff which was instant and felt more like the Spiro than the Estro to me.

Realized that I need FFS, but it seems my options are to either risk going to a cheap surgeon or save up for several years in order to afford going to one of the more reputable clinics. Being trans under capitalism is just so great...

I asked my friends and family to call me they/them. I went by any pronouns for a while, but people just defaulted to what they were already used to, which didn't feel quite right. They're all cool about it, but still getting used to it.

Day n of questioning whether I’m ace

Gonna have my yearly checkup tomorrow, time to see if they were telling the truth about gel being exactly the same as patches when they denied my request for a premature blood test cause supply issues forced me to make a switch.

Also gonna see if they make a comment about my chest this time, so far Im pretty sure Ive received some sort of comment about it every year.

Took like 2 months but I'm finally out to my immediate family as trans

awaagh

Just sittin here twiddling my thumbs waiting for bottom surgery clinic to finally take me on as a patient and get on their wait list. I'm waiting to wait, ugh.

It feels like I'm getting closer to being my authentic self. I don't know if this is appropriate here, but I've been thinking a lot about my role in m/m relationships and the kind of dynamics I'd prefer. Just the idea of bottom shaming and how that intersects with race feels like an important conversation in leftist circles. Especially when we're trying to find the right words for the feelings we're experiencing.

For example, I'm attracted to people who I consider more masculine and assertive than how I present for personal safety. If the situation calls for it, I'll be the one to talk to the waiter if someone gets my friend's/partner's order wrong. I don't mind doing that and I am happy to do it when I can, but I think I want a consistent presence in my life who would actively do that for themselves. Or maybe I just want to have a fairer workload in those relationship situations.

In my head, a lot of the things I'm looking for align with what is considered a traditionally masculine man. I don't want to pressure my partner to be things he's not, but that is what I feel drawn to. I've felt like a bad leftist for that and I hate the way dating puts a value on being a straight guy. I've been on the receiving end of rejection based on not being masculine or feminine enough. I'm ashamed that I rejected people on the basis of not being masculine enough.

I'm working with an LGBT specialized therapist to help me unpack this and see what's shame from misunderstanding myself, or what's valid feelings I'm pathologizing.

I swear to god my lips have gotten fuller and more femme from HRT, I looked at my personal trans timeline and it's noticeable over the last couple years

Hmmm so I am going to Thanksgiving next week and like it's gonna be a full week with my family. I only recently started presenting fem and am not ready to come out to my family, but since I've gotten so used to seeing myself this way... I am seriously dreading going to Thanksgiving. My mom wants to shop for glasses with me. My dad wants to buy me a suit. They are going to call me their beautiful boy or their son and he and him and dude and bro and I can't take it. This is like the first actual break I have which i actually NEED badly.

My work is incredibly stressful. I have like 10-12 hours of work to do every day, in 8 hours. I am so so so burnt out. Transition is very stressful, even when it's joyful. People stare. People misgender, there are like a million little things that hurt me whenever I go out because cis people are just so unaware or clueless.

I don't think I can handle a week when I need to relax with my family being misgendered, having my glasses and hair criticized, worried about my family seeing my legs or my armpits and then asking lots of probing questions. If I go on this trip i get back at midnight on fucking Sunday to start work again at 7am the next morning.

Sorry for the vent. I think I'm just gonna tell them I got covid. This is really stressful for me though because I do want to see my brother and I don't want to leave them alone with my parents because I know he wants to see me too. But liek, even then, I don't think I can handle it. I can't handle not being myself. My patience for this shit is just so low now,.

https://reports.mountsinai.org/article/urol2021-03-a-pioneering-approach-to-sex-reassignment-surgery

If this is real, my gock is absolutely on offer

This week was incredibly gay, like every week in my life. It started with me playing my first Thirsty Sword Lesbians session with my new RPG group, and damn do i love that game and that group already. We're talking about an RPG where GM means "gaymaster", do i really need to say more?

Also, as of this week, i've been on HRT for a whole year! Got my blood results this week, too, everything's looking great even after i've halved my CPA dose. Got a script for progesterone, which already works nicely for my sleep and hopefully will work just as well for my boobs.

Also had my kitty over this weekend, but i'm not gonna turn this into a hornypost.

Kind of annoying to know trans ppl with no sympathy for the humble cisphobe. Like sorry that I've grown to despise the people that oppress me and the people constantly shit on me. Sure my life would probably be easier if I could take it easy and not get filled with hatred but like not all people can do that. Oh well. (Had the admin of a discord server I'm on basically say that you can't be cisphobic or anything like that and if you are cisphobic she didn't want you on the server sooo)

Instead of thinking about cute guys my age, since yesterday when I talked to this (relatively) older man.. God damn

Going to a cyberpunk rave this weekend and having a hard time picking an outfit. I have a very TETSSSUOOOO red leather jacket but its warm as heck and I can't imagine myself having fun dancing in it. But maybe the vibe is too immaculate truly idk.

Yall. I am not out to my family and jm set to go to the beach with them over Christmas-> they have no idea so I will be expected to, liek all other years, wear shorts and hang out on the beach (I shave my legs). I also have the opportunity to start HRT this week. What's the chance that I'll have noticeable physical affects after 1 month? Wondering whether I should postpone starting.