It feels like I'm getting closer to being my authentic self. I don't know if this is appropriate here, but I've been thinking a lot about my role in m/m relationships and the kind of dynamics I'd prefer. Just the idea of bottom shaming and how that intersects with race feels like an important conversation in leftist circles. Especially when we're trying to find the right words for the feelings we're experiencing.

For example, I'm attracted to people who I consider more masculine and assertive than how I present for personal safety. If the situation calls for it, I'll be the one to talk to the waiter if someone gets my friend's/partner's order wrong. I don't mind doing that and I am happy to do it when I can, but I think I want a consistent presence in my life who would actively do that for themselves. Or maybe I just want to have a fairer workload in those relationship situations.

In my head, a lot of the things I'm looking for align with what is considered a traditionally masculine man. I don't want to pressure my partner to be things he's not, but that is what I feel drawn to. I've felt like a bad leftist for that and I hate the way dating puts a value on being a straight guy. I've been on the receiving end of rejection based on not being masculine or feminine enough. I'm ashamed that I rejected people on the basis of not being masculine enough.

I'm working with an LGBT specialized therapist to help me unpack this and see what's shame from misunderstanding myself, or what's valid feelings I'm pathologizing.