anti_cishet_aktion

Things ended out getting worse at home, I'm going to be kicked out sometime in the next few months. I'm having some trouble finding housing and a job for when that happens though since it's mid-school year and not a lot's available, especially for my budget.

But I have my HRT and it's made me feel a lot better. 2mg E and 50 mg Spiro. I'm taking the E sublingually but I feel like I keep messing it up when I do? I salivate too much and have to swallow but I feel like swallowing will somehow fuck me over in the long run so I end out with this uncomfortable middle ground of way too much saliva in my mouth before I swallow it anyways. Is there any particular way to fix this or is it just completely normal?

Overall for the effects I've mostly just noticed my head feeling clearer, as well as the libido plummeting already. Both are nice though.

Oh and my E is purple. That was genuinely really exciting for me for some reason.

God learning to start makeup is intimidating, I know I'm going to look like shit and feel dysphoric the first couple of times I end up doing it which dissuades me from even wanting to start. Same issue with voice training, hearing my shitty voice is going to make things so much worse. Getting started is the hardest part though and I need to just power through it.

A "queer bar" opened in my town recently, which should be a cool thing except one of the "big names" in the "queer nightlife" scene said this horseshit about it:

“University students bring their prejudices in from wherever they come from and are not often educated on queer issues,”

the fucker says. This is a coded bit of xenophobic bullshit, referring to the perception that our local university is just somewhere "immigrants!" get scholarships to, and I hate it so much. Almost forgot this was a retirement town and old crotchety fucks run everything.

After a year or so of thinking I was androgeneous I finally decided to explore my alt side and an awful lot of questions came with that. Before, it was kind of in the back of my mind like "haha wouldn't it be so cool if you could dress/act/love like that? oh well" and now it's at the forefront of my mind. I have read some of the literature in the faq on here and quite a lot of it resonates with me. I think I have a lot more exploring to do but it's quite exciting

Went out for tge first time after transitioning wooooo 🥳 partying is more fun with boobs highly recommend

Things have been super mixed for me recently. My now-ex and I broke up shortly after I came out, but we promised to stay best friends. But she recently did something that left me feeling really betrayed, in a "this will probably end our friendship" kind of way. And when that happened, I realized that there aren't any cishet people who knew me pretransition and aren't in my family who haven't quietly cut ties or hurt me. And that really hurts.

But on another level I feel so happy with myself. My gf and I were playing heavily modded Skyrim and we came upon a modded quest we didn't know about that involved helping a trans woman magically transition. And it was well written in a way that told me this was absolutely written by a transfem. And I had the startling realization that at this point, I wouldn't use her spell myself. It'd be nice to have easy bottom surgery but like, I'm comfortable with where my body is now besides that. I'm even comfortable with my voice that I decided not to train. And god, that's such a nice feeling, to be out of the hell that is early transition and in a better place re: my self image. I feel alive in a way I never had before

hii hope everyone's having a good week

I wish I knew more trans people irl. I've tried hanging out with a couple of the people from my school's queer club and while they're nice, we really really have nothing in common beyond being queer and it make talking kind of difficult. Maybe I should just keep trying though, there's more people there than just the three that I've met.

I finally feel very certain that I want an orchiectomy. I've always been very wary of surgery, but even thinking about my testosterone levels being wrong causes me too much anxiety and I've talked with a few friends who had it done, which eased my fears.

Now I have to navigate how to actually get it done. I have good insurance, but haven't even set up my primary care yet.

Also painted my nails pink and I really like it. I came out 14 years ago but never painted my nails. Turns out I like it and should do it more.

I really need to come out fully, but I can't figure out how, and it's leading to more and more awkward situations. Like Im boymoding in class, but I've been on HRT for ages, and my hair is quite long, so I look weird. There is one out trans woman in my major, and I ended up sitting next to her in a class. I'd love to be friends with her, but as it is now it's super awkward. Like she definitely knows, and I know she knows, and she knows I know she knows, and probably everyone knows because we have a rather similar vibe. We don't really talk outside of class though, but idk how to become friends if I'm still pretending to be a guy. It's not the worst situation in the world, but just stuff like this keeps happening

Also, I'm worried that the boymoding will wreck my relationship with my gf, because she's made it very clear that she doesn't want to pretend to be in a straight relationship, so there's lots of people I know who I can't introduce her to.

Idk, how do you come out to a big group at once?

I had a wonderful moment earlier this week where I was just feeling very myself and also noticed how much HRT has been aligning my body with my self image. And then on top of that I put on some old-ish jeans and realized how much better my thighs fill them out.

That said, unfortunately I have to echo what /u/ElectronNumberSeven said. I've been feeling lonely and a bit isolated. I have good friends, some are even queer. But I have no trans friends to talk to on a regular basis and I've been noticing that has been hurting me mentally since I feel like I need that sense of community. Does anyone have any tips?

I'm officially on waitlists for doctors to refer me for both top and bottom surgeries (through public healthcare. Could theoretically go private if I wanted to speed things up a lot, but not an option financially right now.)

~1 month to see a GP with specialized training who can refer me for top surgery (and then from what I know 2+ years before the surgery itself). ~2 years to see a psychiatrist for referral for bottom surgery (and then 8+ years for surgery).

Feels good because this is some sort of concrete progress. HRT changes are so slow

Idk if I want bottom surgery, but I figure if I do, I'll know I do in a decade.

Cw sexual assault, venting

Came out to someone today

Had to give up on NHS voice training.

Feeling a little bummed out by the whole ordeal, but fundamentally I don't think I was quite ready for it and I feel it's for the best.