Old lady at the food bank gave me extra fruit because she said I'm a sweetie :)

I had my most recent physiotherapy appointment today. They said I need new orthopaedic inserts in my shoes, which the NHS doesn't pay for, I have to find the money for that myself. They also said that as all other treatment so far has failed and I am still debilitated to the point of being barely mobile, they recommend shockwave therapy to try and repair some of the worst injury. However the NHS is gradually cutting funding, and outright stopping paying for treatments that it used to pay for. In fact, just yesterday there was an article online where the journalist was talking about how her elderly father needed his ears syringed and her child needed treatment for warts, both of which the NHS used to treat for free. But now the NHS no longer pays for those and the woman was told her father and child would have to go private.

Well, same thing with the shockwave therapy. Fewer and fewer NHS hospitals are offering this as the NHS gradually gets dismantled, and my local hospital's physio department can't offer this. My physio said she could refer me to go private, but I have to pay for that.

I just despair at the state of this shit hole country. First they took nearly 4 years to diagnose my cancer. They don't warn me the treatment can cause strokes. Then I have a stroke and after all this they stop my disability benefits, leaving me without income. Then, due to long waiting lists, I have to wait so long to start physiotherapy that the damage is already done. Then when I finally get physio, it's too infrequent due to having so many patients and not enough appointments, so the problems I'm having gradually get worse instead of better. Now there's a treatment that could help but I, who have no money, have to pay for it myself. And then this shitty government complains that there are too many disabled people and the benefits bill is too high. THIS IS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY DISABLED PEOPLE! Because it's impossible to get prompt or adequate treatment and so we never get cured, we're left to rot until it's too late and our problems are permanent!

I don't want people to see me or know I exist, I want to walk outside without being perceived or seen

Got taken off my route yesterday for bullshit so went to a farmer's market that I was sad that I was originally going to miss out on. I spent 2 hours canvassing for both the PSL and my webdev business. Turns out my name is getting out. I ran into 2 people that have heard of my business and/or me. I even had a fellow webdev say from what they saw on my sites, I know what I'm doing. Which is great except I still ain't getting clients... 2 years in and I've made 3 sites I think for people and 2 were freebies.

Some feedback I got was that they can't afford what I charge. Even though I charge less than everyone else around(not by much but after my direct competitor's hidden fees, it's about $500 less up front and $30 less per month hosting). So now I'm considering learning a web builder to start offering budget sites. I did mention to someone that I have a "pay what you can" option that I don't advertise for like-minded people(lefties). I do have some experience with Squarespace but not the biggest fan. I could probably handle it for like making $500 sites in a few days. If they have all the assets up front, I could easily crank one out in a day.

Mental health update: I called in on Thursday before my "weekend" so that ended up being 5 days off. I spent my newly acquired time off playing the fuck out of some Satisfactory. Factory automation games makes my brain happy. I think I'm gonna keep that in mind for when I start to fall down the depression hole in the future. I think I am gonna start over though and speed through to the end with some blueprints I found that build everything. Satisfactory isn't my favorite of the genre and playing it is just making me wanna play Factorio, DSP, or shapes2 again.

I'm getting tired of dealing with dignitas. They're so disorganised and take ages to reply. I became a member a while ago and have been emailing them about things since, like discounts. Last week they finally responded with an official letter, asking for proof of capital/income to determine any possible discount. I've just been waiting for my next bank statement to come through, proving I have no money, to send them. But then today I got an email from them saying they can't find my membership declaration and asking me to rejoin. How disorganised and unprofessional is this? I just don't know if I can keep dealing with them. They take weeks to respond, require an insane amount of identification and verification of everything that would be very expensive to get hold of and now they've lost my membership and want me to go through the joining process again. I don't know how anyone has ever had a successful su1c1d£ with them.

And I'm having trouble getting anywhere near enough donations for the course of shockwave treatment recommended by the physiotherapist. If i could walk around outside again as much as I need to, I wouldn't feel so su1c1d@l in the first place. The fact that treatment exists that could help me so much, but is so hard to obtain, is heartbreaking and so frustrating.

On the plus side I received a letter of support from the neurologist today, confirming my neurological issues. I can use it for my benefit appeal and dignitas.

Haven't been too active in this thread lately as I've been feeling absolutely terrible. Not only exhausted from my lowered thyroxine dose but had a bad reaction to my new migraine pills which left me basically bedridden for several days. My landlady and her guests didn't even check on me to see if I needed anything, or if I was still alive. I was just in bed, hungry and ill for several days. So i won't be taking the migraine pills any more, which sucks because they actually drastically reduced the migraines. After like 10 posts on mutual aid and lemmy, someone finally sent me a justeat giftcard so i could order some ready made food, and getting to eat helped a bit. (One of the side effects of the migraine pills was a huge amount of excess stomach acid to the point I was writing around in bed, unable to get up, feeling like I was being burned alive from the inside. So giving the acid some food to digest helped.

I felt a tiny bit better today and managed a short walk outside, just a few minutes. I needed that so much. haven't heard any more from dignitas, they're taking so long to respond. But now I'm feeling a little physically better I don't feel so immediately desperate for assisted suicide. But the universe hates me and so I've probably jinxed myself by saying that.

btw has anyone seen the film "Me before You," about a man going to Dignitas? It's really good!

I finally got a letter from Dignitas, asking for bank statements to show I'm on a low/no income, to see if they'll give me a discount/free service. I'll have to wait a few weeks until I get my next bank statement before I can send it off though.

I'm so glad my landlady's daughter is leaving today. I really think she's the most horrible person I've ever met. Despite being asked not to spray perfume around and being informed it gives me migraines, she just keeps doing it. I also heard her loudly insulting my appearance, not even trying to keep her voice down. Like, sorry I don't look like a supermodel but I'm kind of ill, you know? I was upstairs ill in bed for several days and not one of them even knocked on the door to ask if I was OK or needed anything. And when I felt well enough to come out, the daughter said, as I walked past her, "You old witch." Totally unprovoked, I hadn't said or done anything to her. She even trained her kids to call me Scary Mary instead of my name.

This horrible woman wastes so much food, too. When she's here, every day she goes to the supermarket and fills the fridge with a ridiculous amount of food, most of which gets thrown away. She doesn't even ask if I want any before throwing it in the bin. I remember once she was going to throw away a whole, unopened rotisserie chicken as she hadn't used it and was going home and didn't want to take it back in the car with her. I asked if I could have it and instead of simply saying no, she screamed in my face, telling me what a worthless waste of space and beggar I am, and how dare I ask her for favours. The next time she was on the phone to my landlady, she had the cheek to pass on a message for me, asking if I could lend her £900 so she could buy a puppy right away as she didn't want to wait until payday! I don't even have money to lend, but if I did why would I give it to someone who throws food away in front of me and insults me continually?

And she is making her children very obese and unhealthy. He elder son is only 11 or 12 and already so obese he can hardly move. She just lets him sit on his device all day and drastically over feeds him, she doesn't care about his health at all. She wastes money on nonsense constantly and then pressures my landlady, who is in debt and living off a pension, to take out more debt to give her money. Just an absolutely terrible person.

I have my first therapy appointment with this person tomorrow. I tried to communicate in subtle and indirect ways that I kinda think about dying all the time. The problem is, if they don't get it, then I may struggle to communicate what I need, but if they do get it, I fear a hospital trip in my near future, and I don't know if I can handle another hospitalization....

I know everyone's going through it rn, and I wish I could cheer you all up with more than words. It's frustrating that I can't make your pains and worries go away, and I feel helpless in the face of all your hurt. But I want you to know I believe in you. No matter what you're struggling with, no matter what you're going through, I believe in you. You can do this, no matter what.

I love you all

It's so exhausting. I have to live my entire life with a brain that just doesn't work. I break so easily.

Just now I went to empty my laundry out of the washing machine to find that I hadn't turned it on. But I remember perfectly turning the dial, the clicking of it in my hands, and pushing the button to start the wash. I remember hearing it bumping from my room. And none of that ever happened. And then I had a full mental collapse, because I'm remembering things with perfect clarity that never happened, but I can't remember what I did five seconds ago.

If I was normal I could spend my life trying to accomplish things. Trying to have fun and be social and date and work and change the world. But I have to devote all my time and energy to trying to have a functional brain because mine is so broken.

It's not covid, I just got a nasty cold and am melting out of my nose and throat, but otherwise I'm aliveish. Sorry to any private messages I haven't replied to, I'm playing catchup now that I can think again. Love you all, and achooow

more complaining

Why is everything always awful? I just have the constant refrain "I fucking hate being alive!" Going through my head 24/7. Still can't walk, in pain. Struggling to get the donations I need for physiotherapy. Trapped indoors, going insane with frustration.

I am so sorry, but I need to vent, and the only person I talk to has disappeared with no notice (probably just overwhelmed with life stuff but I hope they're okay. I'm worried.)

I am in overwhelming pain. My chronic intractable pain has been so much worse lately. Probably at least partially due to stress because everything is fucked. I can't afford my next pain medicine refill, and I'm nearly out, and the friend that disappeared usually helps me cover it. I'm disabled and can't work and have literally no money. So I'm just fucked. Even WITH the meds, I've been struggling to handle the pain and it's scary. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to survive without any kind of pain control. Not to mention the withdrawal. I am scared. I am scared I am going to get overstimulated and overwhelmed from the pain that I go all stereotypical autistic meltdown and shutdown and bash my fists into my head and hurt myself, and I feel ashamed and weak that I can't just deal with it like a normal person. I don't know what to do. I'm so stressed and in pain and anxious I'm dealing with dissociation, depersonalization, derealization way more often than usual. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to survive. I don't know. I'm fucking scared, I can't take this pain. I'm sorry for whining and being weak especially when so many have it so much worse than me. I don't even know if this makes sense. I can't think.

Can't stop

Feeling bad mentally but hoping its just PMDD

Well, I spoke too soon. Or the universe saw my post and thought "Fuck you, I can't let you feel OK!" I've been up, ill and in agony, all night, and still this morning, due to the stomach problems caused by those blasted migraine pills. Even though I stopped taking them, the problem is not resolving. Now I really need to go to dignitas but they still haven't even responded to my last message. If this doesn't resolve I don't think I can wait months.

Oh, and just from that tiny amount of walking yesterday, my achilles tendon is painfully inflamed again.

I am a little bit mad about the amount of people who go to the food bank and throw out/hand back the bread. This many people cant have celiacs, and its weird to be that picky an eater that you're anti bread while taking food from the food bank. I mean you shouldn't be forced, but its bread, its like the default food. Is it because its usually whole grain with seeds?

At least those who just hand it back leave it for others I guess. Throwing it out is just rude.

I just used one of the nonsense words i use to remember medical stuff to a real person.

Found an anti free hall to read in but someone is taking notes on something that sounds like a typewriter. It even does the ding.

I should have made my grocery trip before I built an IKEA bookcase.

But hey! Bookcase! I have unlocked an achievement: place to put things