Screaming into the void (CW: Suicide) (hexbear.net)

submitted 5 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I just cant do it anymore. I couldnt handle being trans and the processes involved in transitioning before when it was tolerated and now that it puts a huge target on me its impossible. I know people will chime in about “living in defiance” of all these people but Im just not that confrontational a person. I used to have dreams of being a writer/director but my creativity/talent is at least 90% gone. Im just a 33 soon to be 34 year old Uber driver who lives at home with no real career prospects and I just dont have much to live for. Yeah my family will be sad but they have full lives outside of me. In 2019 I wrote out a list of things I want to do before suicide because I had a pretty good idea what was coming and it helped me feel way more focused and at peace. I threw it away after I thought estranging myself from my family would make me want to live. My best friend killed himself Jan 15 2020 and im so jealous of his timing. I wish I could make a new list with a target suicide date of 2026-27 but nothing even excites me enough anymore to add to it. Ive attempted once so I cant really get a firearm so when the time comes Ill probably have to hang myself somewhere. Im worried I wont pick a good spot like whatever i attach the rope to might break or I might get discovered. I suppose I could try car in the garage when my parents are on vacation but I drive a Prius and I worry it would take too long.

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[-] [email protected] 16 points 5 months ago

Hey there, I just wanted to share a resource with you that I found a while back called Wildflower Alliance. They are a super radical mental health/peer support organization that's anticarceral and they believe in being able to talk openly about SI without worrying about it becoming an intervention episode. They have online meetings and a discord as well with a channel specific to being able to talk about this stuff freely, if you ever just want to vent to people who get it. They have warmlines you can call but the discord is just for anyone

This is the main website

Discord link

Sorry I know you aren't asking for help, I experience SI myself and I fucking wish I had people who I could talk to who wouldn't get freaked out. I'm sorry this world makes it so fucking difficult to want to live cuddle

[-] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago

I appreciate the resource. I just wish there were enough drugs to make me forget being trans. Im still the scared teenager who would freak out trying to google transgender in the late 00s and now the trauma I repress is all around me. Im one of the few people it would be ethical to have reparative therapy for. Id probably still be suicidal as a cis person because im suicidal for a lot of reasons.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago

Really cool resource I'm gonna add it to our resource thread

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

Do you need help with DIY or anything? It seems you're too afraid to start cause of all the bureaucracy

[-] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago

I went to a doctor in 2015 and had a horrible anxiety attack when I saw the list of expected effects/side effects. DIY is too scary for me. I wish I could take that experience enough to go into full-on denial. I need a robust support system if I were able to transition and it just doesnt exist or im too unlikeable for people to continue supporting me for very long. Im honestly pretty incompetent at day-to-day life besides transition, I think I have really bad undiagnosed autism/possible adhd. I used to be able to just write it off as an impossibility due to my IBS but the news just has to be about trans stuff all the time.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

DIY is usually made with pharma stuff made in China that all the pharma companies get their stuff from. Most DIY providers (e.g. Astrovials) are also tested regularly by third parties. Of course there is more risk but yeah I understand, anxiety can be a beast cat-trans

Honestly you sound a lot like a girl I know that eventually started E many years ago, lot of similar issues and concerns. She ended up going with it though because the mental benefit outweighed the other stuff. Hope you do what works best for you, but as everyone's mom I must remind you that suicide isn't whats best for you and a path that leads you towards that isn't the way to go cuddle

[-] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago

It seems like every trans person has to decide between transition or suicide and Ive picked the latter unfortunately. I just hate how much of a coward I am.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

If you need direct assistance with housing or something please let me know we can discuss

this post was submitted on 21 Jan 2025

28 points (100.0% liked)

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