diagnosed with the world's biggest sad and lonely right now
EDIT: i posted this and got evicted like 30 minutes later LMAO
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diagnosed with the world's biggest sad and lonely right now
EDIT: i posted this and got evicted like 30 minutes later LMAO
what the fuck I'm so sorry
i posted this and got evicted like 30 minutes later LMAO
Holy shit, what happened? Didn't you move back in with your parents?
I've been fighting the lonely too, hope it gets better for you.
dysphoria, bloodwork
Got my bloodwork results back. But it seems like I'll have to do another test for liver function. Don't know if I want it since it's not necessary but on the other hand it's nice to have a pre-HRT result to compare it to.
I'm also waiting for my estradiol to arrive, and it probably will, but I have the fear that it got seized. It makes me feel really nervous and that together with the fact I still have to decide if I will do the liver function test makes me feel bad. I'm also feeling dysphoric in general even though I felt euphoric yesterday. I'm laying in bed right now and listening to music and that helps.
log into pharmacy web portal
about to schedule a vaccination
computer asks for my sex assigned at birth
ask it whether it really needs that or if it's social hegemony of meanings
it doesn't understand
explain the difference between real mechanisms and false associations
it pulls up a pop-up and says it's relevant
read the pop-up
it's societal hegemony of meanings imposing false associations even when mechanism is well known
so yeah, afab then. idiotic, unscientific liberal "science"
It turns out science and an entirely vibes based way of interacting with the world do not go well together.
can i say something?
no
Yea, sure. Unless it's pee pee related, of course.
hm? why would you assume that?
idk
I guess...
thank you, one second...
Of course, no rush. I'll just sit here and wait
Yes, but only if its pee pee related.
Im sad, can't play games with my person tonight
gotta study gotta get going
things are hard
One of my partners just broke up with their abusive other partner which yippee but also auuuughhghhhggg
cw: dysphoria
Seeing new therapist recently, he is quite cis, maybe slightly brainwormed but wtf............ he's actually quite good...... got me to come out and admit I'm just boymoding wtf (even saying that rn feels so fucking fake and wrong for some reason but then why did it feel so good to just say it ;w;). I couldn't tell him my non-deadname when he asked, maybe next time
I have never cried or felt like I could be actually be vulnerable or perfectly honest before when I was seeing therapists :(
Somehow it's normal for me, so normal I don't even notice it a lot of the time, that I have an immense amount of shame and guilt and self-hatred for just existing ;w;
The only thing I hate more than myself is this sick, disgusting society for making me be so broken inside (I would also like to thank my dad for the part he played as well even if he's also broken inside, very well done, very nice, keep it up)
Can people come back from this or is it joever for me? Genuinely asking cuz I can't imagine ever not being destroyed by self-hatred and shame and just living openly as whatever the fuck I am cuz idk where these feelings even came from
DEATH TO AMERICA, UNLIMITED, INFINITELY VARIED DESTRUCTION ON THE BURGERREICH FOR CAUSING THE UNENDING SUFFERING OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE
genuinely been so happy the past few weeks. i think there's a reason why...
Just remembering when I first found this site and set my pronouns the way they are for """"opsec reasons"""" lmao
I have since...... transed my gender? Woke dogs (profile pic is...... related somehow but not the obvious way) don't have genders, except when they do ofc. [Laws of non-contradiction and the excluded middle] fans SEETHING
Down with cis
I found a 114 year old case for t4t in a translated copy of Die Transvestiten, translated by Michael Lombardi-Nash. From a so-called 'John O.' from San Francisco, labeled Case 13, who describes herself as "...physically a man, mentally a woman",
Technically misgendering, though it is the language of the time
"If ever there is a total freedom of dress, then the effeminate people will connect with female society, just as the man-women will befriend the so-called stronger sex. When there is no longer a dress code, the woman-man will grow into the feminine and be attracted by the man-woman, because by nature both feel right for each other, he as a woman and she as a man, and they will live as happily together as any normal married couple of today.
[...]
"But if two get married, one of whom is a woman-man and one a man-woman, then he is the feminine and she is the masculine part, and they will be happy; for, no matter what the sex is, emotionally they still are, indeed, opposite sexes, just as nature made them."
Same person also makes a case for letting trans kids self identify and transition (socially, as medical transition was yet to come),
Descriptions of transphobia, and technically misgendering
"I am convinced that when a boy becomes 8 or 10 years of age and shows preference for girls' clothing, girls' work, and girls' games, then the mother, for the benefit of the child, should let him have free choice. The boy is, then, namely, only sexually a male, but mentally a female, and when such children are raise according to their feelings, then they are so much happier than when people punish them, mock them, or even abuse them to produce boyishness.
"But, if he is raised as a girl, then he will lose all doubt and wil become more stable in his girlishness, so that he then never will ever want to become a man; if he is forced to behave as a boy, then he will feel destroyed and will yearn for the time when he can make a living as a maid or something like that.
[...]
"I will agree that up to the fifth year, perhaps, many children can still be raised in their sex, but then mostly not, and if the girlish characteristics appear much stronger than the boyish ones, then it is much better for the child to be raise according to its mental sex."
Again, this was published 114 years ago, in 1910.
spoiler
The books they were burning in nazi Germany were transgender research
I started building a gunpla!!
Then i fumbled an ankle piece and it vanished into the ether and i tore the place up looking for it but didnt find it
I am no longer building a gunpla