this post was submitted on 14 Nov 2024
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Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ By Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO ☞ https://theonion.com/heres-why-i-decided-to-buy-infowars/

And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.

🤣

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 4 hours ago

Will anyone visiting know the difference?

[–] [email protected] 40 points 7 hours ago (1 children)

Counterpoint, it was already stupid.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 6 hours ago

Yes, but this time it will be on purpose.

[–] [email protected] 149 points 8 hours ago (4 children)

They should harness the crazy for good. Make conspiracy theory-sounding stories, but make them factual and get people to take positive action.

"They created chemicals you can inject into the bloodstream that keeps them from getting the Measels."

"The overlords in their golden towers want to tell you who you are and aren't allowed to love."

[–] [email protected] 26 points 6 hours ago (2 children)

The vaccine one would probably be better as: “independent thinking researchers developed a means of using your own body’s immune response to prevent diseases with a mere injection. Some of them even refused to patent it. But then the media started lying to you about them, trying to get you to stop accepting these miracles? Why, just so some companies could make more money selling you proprietary snake oil to keep you comfortable while you’re sick.”

[–] [email protected] 9 points 2 hours ago (1 children)

Coming from a reformed conspiracy theorist, that was frighteningly good.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 hour ago

Thanks! The trick is to understand the emotions they aim for and the baseline rhetorical tricks.

Conspiracies stem from knowing you’re getting fucked, but that most people are good. It’s an attempt to find explanations when the world feels wrong. Someone did it. You just have to sell the truth in the tone that they’re used to hearing. Especially with vaccines where the truth does sound like a free lunch, until you realize that it’s governments and insurers paying for vaccines and it saves them and the economy money by you not getting sick or needing stronger medicines. These are the two groups that desperately want you to exercise, eat right, and quit smoking

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 hours ago

Big Essential Oil ruining the day again.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 hours ago

This is brilliant. Please send them an email with this idea.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 hours ago

I'm totally for this and I bet it would work, too. We've seen the level of ignorance that went into how people chose to vote. If OnionWars puts up those kinds of stories, along with the occasional article declaring Jones actually still owns InfoWarts and any news stating otherwise is fake, they could ease these nutjobs back to sanity.

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[–] [email protected] 36 points 7 hours ago

Fucking awesome. Onion has been hitting it hard lately, and this is just the cherry on top. I am hopeful this makes some chuds question their minds.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 7 hours ago

Is it The Onion? Or Not the Onion?

Yes

[–] [email protected] 130 points 10 hours ago (5 children)

The funniest piece is going to be seeing old followers believe it’s still the InfoWars they know and love. It took forever for people to stop eating the onion in large numbers, and it still manages to happen on occasion.

There is opportunity here. Initially, anyway.

[–] [email protected] 44 points 8 hours ago (2 children)

A part of me actually wished that the Onion would have purchased InfoWars, but in secret, like maybe under a subsidiary corp that has a right-wing sounding name.

They don't change Infowars' branding or anything but the articles become subtly liberal.

Maybe an overt purchase is better but I really want to troll the right.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 8 hours ago

"Do your swastikas send the right message to your neighbors? Maybe try this instead..."

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[–] [email protected] 60 points 10 hours ago (1 children)

I think there's always going to be that group of people. Another example: folks that didn't notice that The Colbert Report was satire.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 8 hours ago (1 children)

I thought Glenn Beck was satire. Watched it several times and then one day .. wait, that's not a joke?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 hours ago

Beck sounds batshit. Right there with you.

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[–] [email protected] 208 points 11 hours ago (1 children)

My favorite part of this:

...Collins said that “part of the reason we did bought InfoWars is because people on Bluesky told us it would be funny to buy InfoWars” adding that “those people were right” this “is the funniest thing that has ever happened”.

[–] [email protected] 82 points 10 hours ago

That also sounds like the kind of prank that Cards Against Humanity would pull if they had access to as much cash. I love this so much.

[–] [email protected] 59 points 10 hours ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 hours ago

ben also replied saying he'd hold it for knowledge fight, so there's an incredible chance we might see knowledge fight use it at some point.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 8 hours ago

"Tim onion" got an irl lol out of me

[–] [email protected] 9 points 7 hours ago (3 children)

Wait, what? Which parts of this are satire now? I read the Onion piece that Global Tetrahedron was purchasing InfoWars, but this is a Guardian story saying The Onion is purchasing it? I'm a bit confused.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 6 hours ago

It's not satire, they are purchasing it for real.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 hours ago

It's on APNews too - it's real

[–] [email protected] 41 points 10 hours ago (6 children)

For me, the cherry on top is how the "InfoWars" name is still completely apt, for completely different reasons.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 9 hours ago

Reformatting InfoWars as a serious, unironic branch of the Onion that deals with misinformation would just be great.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

I gotta find out what the Knowledge Fight folks have to say about this.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 hours ago

I am waiting for the next episode to drop. Biggest episode ever.

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[–] [email protected] 26 points 9 hours ago (2 children)

They should send Alex Jones a $1 "royalty" check every month - just so that he doesn't forget it.

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[–] [email protected] 211 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

Honestly, considering how much of a clown Alex Jones was, they have their work cut out for them if they want to compete at comedic levels!

Either way, this may be the best news I've heard all year, thank you!

[–] [email protected] 94 points 11 hours ago (6 children)

I wonder if this gives them the rights to all of Infowars' library of footage. Maybe they could "keep" Jones as a host by cutting up old clips kinda how South Park did with Isaac Hayes for Chef's last episode.

[–] [email protected] 50 points 11 hours ago (2 children)

Up for grabs at the auction were Infowars production rights and materials, the Infowars store, domain names, production equipment and other assets — including a Terradyne armored truck and a Winnebago motor home — that can be purchased in their entirety or in parts, according to the firm, ThreeSixty Asset Advisors. Jones broadcasts from the Austin, Texas, area.

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[–] [email protected] 43 points 10 hours ago (5 children)

This is what I call a master class on starting a soft revolution: you take over a symbol of the opposite ideology, in the most outrageous and ridiculous way, make it known to all, and completely subvert it and deconstruct it, piece by piece, until it stops making any sense to its former self.

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[–] [email protected] 61 points 11 hours ago

Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 10 hours ago

im sorry but the owner's name is tim onion. please publish a correction.

[–] [email protected] 135 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

This was not on my bingo card.

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