SALUTE
I have barely watched Breaking Bad
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Let's have another good week everyone 
cw: sex
the switchy desire to blindfold someone and pass them around with some real body worship warring with the desire to be the one being passed around 
choices choices 
thinking of buying some swimwear 
Keep winning comrades, news mega ain't got nothing on y'all
Just had the final all hands on board before the convention next week as I'm staffing it. Asked about COVID once and got ignored. Asked a second time and had the con president answer me. No policies aside from "We recommend and suggest people wear a mask, but we're not going to enforce it" aka we're not doing anything aside from feckless measures that we're not even going to do anything about. Like, I still wanna go cause I wanna be there for my friend, but holy hells what is wrong with people these days? People are just willingly crippling themselves with COVID. Gods.
reveling in the weird gender euphoria of the discomfort i get not wearing a bralette while boymoding
Fallow makes me gay and wistful. This is an incredible new frontier in interactive technology, because I think the last time a game made me feel gay & wistful was playing fruity little twine games on itch or something. I do not get anything like enough chances to feel gay and wistful, the way I do with a good soulcrushing transbian novel or queer album, with viddy gaems. I desire viddy gaems to make me gay & wistful pls.
Does anyone else like certain names, but you choose not to take them because someone you know also has that name and it would be weird? 
Tomorrow's my birthday but i can't help but feel depressed
i've figured out my next "gaming" experiences for the moment!
bought a urban fantasy werewolf game and a game about trying to protect your Jewish village situated on the border between Poland and the Ukraine during the end of the 19th century which is probably going to be difficult considering the period and the...place. 
& 
i do love these Choice of Games, games. 
they unite my favourite two things, reading and fanfiction 
CW; Crimes against humanity, body horror, weirdly personal.
spoiler
Soooo my grandfather was a human test subject on Eniwetok Atoll in the 50s for American nuclear trials. I happen to have polyorchidism. I'm pretty certain it's from radiation causing genetic damage. It gave me a horrible hernia that I had to have fixed at 23. But at the moment my problem is "do they work or not?" I'm on a pretty low dose of E (DIY) and I'm not sure if it's actually suppressing my T production or if I'm just fucking myself up.
gonna start reading beach boys songs as being about the trans experience to piss off 60 year old men
CW NSFW
A lot of cishet amateur BDSM is so boring. Wow you’re having sex with some restraints.
Yesterday I faithfully recreated a style of softcore damsel in distress pictures that I saw in the 2000s on the free samples page of a website that no longer exists (except on the way back machine), that had an indelible mark on my sexuality and gender I’m only just realising.
talking about dysphoria/eating/weight issues
I love how my brain just focuses on numbers. Height, weight, calories, doesn't matter. Like a fucking magnet. Its so incredibly toxic to me and with transitioning has only gotten worse. I'm feeling okay right now, but sometimes its just bad. Oh, and seeing other people's numbers. god that might be as bad as thinking about mine. Fucking hell.
But I am feeling good now, just reflecting on how I was feeling earlier/how I have struggled in the past.
I fucking hate being recorded and apparently the cis don't mind to the same extent, so my demanding not to be feels weird. Still do, cuz fuck 'em, but I hate it. And I hate that its not respected. Like seriously, why are you doing something to me that you know I don't want? wtf? So easy to just stop doing it if you know I'm uncomfortable but I guess no one cares.
blackpilled brainrot shit
If you have The Autism and don't know what social norms are, cannot perceive them... can I recommend strongly against learning about them? I mean it less in the, conversational politeness way and more the, some actions or traits or whatever, fucking styles of dress, have weird inexplicable connotations or horrible implications according to neuro fucking typicals. It is so cursed, like you know those guys on that 4chan board that always talk about chad and stacy, and the fucking "dating market" like it's goddamn wallstreet for their incel asses?? People rightly make fun of those anons, but by truth the actual social norms that have been concocted on our planet are not particularly far off of that. It's utterly fucked up.
The reason I recommend against learning them is because it's just psychic damage. It's not something you can use really, there might be stupid arbitrary rules or the person who told you might be seeing it a certain specific weird way, or just be wrong. So stay oblivious, stay well, holy shit.
Foxes are gay wolves.
nightmare body horror
Yet another dream where my teeth fall out, or they become loose enough I can just pull a bunch of them out in a chunk like a puzzle piece.
Idk why I dream about this so much, but I’m glad they are still there.
I had a really good day yesterday, so of course today i feel terrible, sad and down and in that space where i dont want to take care of myself 
this user is currently full of unspeakably horny and touch starved thoughts about women
Wasn't gonna post this, but it seems like this is the horny mega day, so I'm obligated to contribute
Never could understand how guys could get off to vibrations. Even in elementary school, it was something that seemed foreign to me. Anyways, finally was able to enjoy that for the first time last night. Probably been the horninest I've been since starting HRT without forgotting spiro in the morning.
Anyone here ever take benzo for anxiety? Did it work for you and would you recommend it?
(for the record I currently take mirtazapine, which i think??? is helping me regulate my mood a bit better because at least i'm not having many days laying in bed all day consumed by thought-spirals. but i still have incredibly bad anxiety especially around texting and communication, as I've mentioned before)
Don’t worry vocel police, I don’t have sex because I am too self-conscious and have vulnerability issues. 
blegh, sick
felt realy bad today. really bad abdominal pain, that sucked. fucking exhausted too. thirty five mother fucking degrees celcius today in the UK, fuck this. the viewing we went to on the weekend estate agent told us to phone first thing monday morning, did that aaaand appartment already gone. so now I gotta to find another 20 appartments, where I get 1 or 2 viewings, and once again am told no go fuck yourself you can't live here
Epilating is pain 
But pain is beauty 
Edit: I will do my arm hair and get some, but under the light there seems to still be a good amount at a good length but no matter what the epilator won’t pluck them.
Can they be too long for it to work?
oh I should probably cw this. Family issues.
My dad just made a comment about my hair getting long and honestly idk how to process it. I'm tired of processing things. I just want to be trans, and in an accepting environment.
I don't know he wasn't particularly bad about it or anything, it was something like "So, are you just going to let your hair grow out or what?". My hair is a lot longer then usual (which I'm loving). I don't know how he meant it, I don't want to spend hours thinking about it, I just want to be done.
fashionposting (mostly about pattern-drafting)
So as some of you may know, I've been pretty into learning pattern-drafting for myself lately, and I thought that I could start out with a basic bodice block. For those unaware, a bodice block is essentially a pattern base for garments that go on your top half (bodices, essentially.) When self-drafting patterns for shirts and tops, it's important to have a bodice block that you can trace and then base the pattern off of, and then you make adjustments so that the pattern is unique and fun. For ready-made clothing and also ready-made patterns, the bodice blocks used for pattern-making are fit to standardized sizing measurements. For the home sewist, you can make a bodice block that fits your precise measurements. I'm lucky to be able to pretty comfortably fit "womens" standardized sizing, but this is one of the appeals of pattern-making for many people who don't, as the proportions in standardized sizing absolutely do not map to the diversity of body shapes out there.
The tutorial I used for drafting my bodice block was this one from the Shape of Fabric, which in retrospect probably wasn't the best tutorial especially for a beginner, but oh well I worked it out in the end. There are a lot of bodice block tutorials out there and all of them do things slightly differently, which was the source of about 90% of my frustration with the process; otherwise it was smooth sailing. I started with a bodice block with darts because if you search up "bodice block tutorial" this is what pops up first. If I had gone in with more knowledge, I probably would have gone with a dartless bodice block to start with, because 1. it is easier and 2. it doesn't highlight my curves, which as a transmasc person I'm not the most comfortable with. A dartless bodice block is next in line to be drafted, once I get my sewing machine working (I do not need a sewing machine to do the actual drafting, but I do need it to make a mockup so I can fit the block to myself and make necessary adjustments.)
The block I ended up drafting definitely needs some adjusting — I want to give it more ease and the sleeve part is way too small to comfortably fit around my arm, so I need to increase the armscye length basically. I also made a basic sleeve block to go along with it and I think that needs some adjusting too — it definitely needs to be longer. Other than that, I'm pretty proud of it as my first attempt, and I'll probably keep it around for if I want to draft some more form-fitting garments (though I foresee myself using a dartless bodice block more often because I prefer looser clothes.)
For the difference between "mens" and "womens" bodice blocks (gender is fake, etc etc), men's bodice blocks never have any darts and usually have a much straighter side seam. I want to draft a men's bodice block at some time too, but I feel like I should wait for post-top surgery for that because I would want to draft it to my post-surgery measurements. Honestly the whole "top surgery" thing is a bit annoying to deal with as a sewist, because I know I'll have to redo my bodice blocks after it happens, but it's not going to happen soon enough for me to put off making them until it does.
Thus here are my beginning explorations in pattern-drafting. I know that if I was in some sort of pattern-drafting class, I would be told to start with drafting a skirt instead; but the bodice block was calling to me. I self-drafted a circle skirt in 2022 and it was pretty easy and fun, I love circle skirts and they're an incredibly beginner-friendly sewing project for anyone who's interested in picking up this hobby. The basic pants block is apparently the hardest to fit, but I'm excited to try that at some point too.
Damn y'all are thinking about sex a lot lately, wonder what it was
Bisexuality is when you pluck your eyebrows
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