We are just 100 away from closing pride month out with 666

Since I don't want to end up in an actually dangerous situation, I tell all the possible appartments(with flatmates) that I am trans in the first message. I do however get like a 5th of the invitations to physical meetings that I got before. (or less, I wrote 7 applications and got invited to one place, and there the vibes were very off)

A small 1 room place might be smarter for now, till I am more established and know people again.

Appartment hunting clearly doesn't work the same for me anymore. I used to work as a cleaner and in a kitchen, so I could sell myself as a flatmate very consitently.

Fuck my Landlord for evicting everyone, so his nephew can move in.

I feel so fucking trans right now

Thinking about the two books I have on the go rn but still really wanting to play Celeste more

The mega is safe from literary torment...

for now

Yesterday, I said I was gonna make a hair removal appointment, but I didn't. Said I would do it today, but... Idk

Don't know what's with the apprehension. I sorted out the other procedure I needed, so there's nothing stopping me. I've been thinking about it for months.

i've seen many big tiddies before, but i never knew what they looked like POV. fucking hell

Sometimes I wonder if my vibes based approach to transition is right, or if there is even another spproach to something so personal.

I feel like I have been stagnating, though I can also imagine that I should take it as it comes, and do things when I feel ready for them.

Me seeing the "MAN UP" sign in Celeste at the start

I'm gettin' that woke blodd

stop constantly comparing yourself to cis women and making yourself feel bad CHALLENGE: LEVEL: IMPOSSIBLE

I got a sleeping cap for my hair from my possibly-transphobic-flatmate (at this point I assume that she just does not think, like at all. She just doesn't get things), but I always wake up having rubbed it off during the night. Maybe I should sew on a chin strap.

I got a little enamel pin that is this emoji . It's soooooo cute. I pinned it to my hat and wore it out today to my therapy session. I also went in full fem mode skirt and girls t shirt and sports bra with some "bust enhancers". I think I looked really fuckin cute.

What I realised watching the new Pyramid Inu video is that even if I wasn't raised to be a filthy otaku, I'm probably incapable of escaping being a massive fuckin weeb. It just seems to be a thing, stuck with this intense love-hate with anime & manga.

Good thing I have apocalyptically bad taste

we gotta get to 600 ya'll

LITTLE BLUE ENCYCLOPEDIA

"Ex," said miserable Paul. He put his headphones on but didn't press play. If he was Polly right now he'd probably cry. Polly was kind of a crier, something Diane had teased him about. Paul didn't cry. What else did Paul do or not do? He'd have to remember or find out. He could do anything now; he was Teen Runaway Paul. Was it cheating to stay in the hostel? Maybe he should sleep on the streets, hustle like a real teen runaway. Maybe he should make himself way younger, get taken in by Social Services and adopted by a wealthy but liberal older gay couple, start life over. He could ace high school now, get a scholarship to NYU for film...

The waiter leaned his spindly elbows on the counter in front of Paul.

This had me asking like, is Paul's entire life fake? Is he just grasping for authenticity through a veil of disaffected gen-x bullshit, rolling listlessly through life? Is Paul actually secretly Maria Griffiths????

At that point I was like, Oh Yeah. Even though Maria is this overtraumatised trans woman from New York who has the diy punk 90s thing as an artifact, a shell from her youth, and Paul is a genderfluid/flux/transfem egg?/it's complicated water spirit, drifting through life mostly having sex all the time... you can swap the keywords and they are the same person. Same modus operandi.

The difference, for me trying to get perspective, is that everything Maria does is motivated by the fact she is hopelessly traumatised and as a result, disconnected and kinda shitty. She fucks off to New Reno in reaction to her life imploding, because she was too bored and disconnected to do any upkeep on her relationship, you know.

Paul is just kind of like... does he enjoy drifting randomly from city to city, nightclub to nightclub, having tons of casual sex and altering his body to suit his taste? It seems like he should if he's doing it, but if not why does he even do it? He pumps the brakes on all that to be in sapphic monogamy with his new terf gf, but it's clear to them both that he gets drawn back to his usual ways, flirting with lesbian baristas and considering hooking up on the dl. His motives are an actual mystery to me, it's like this way is all he knows and he loves and hates it at once? I could not tell you what he wants, I guess, is what it comes down to when you cut through the miasma of 90s-ass references.

Also the book's insistence on using he/him pronouns for Paul is very funny.

I think what made The Masker so satisfying to read, aside from that I already understood everything in it before I started, is that it's so short and focused, it's almost a parable or something. A Novel like this usually involves a listless, lolloping, lackadaisical plot, and Paul is the most all-of-those, at like 700 pages. :::