Man I’m super struggling with my loneliness and the fact I haven’t had a friend in years, since about junior year in highschool.

I’m turning 21 in January and I feel like I’m so behind. My brother is only a year older than me and has so many friends he actually is close to, not just acquaintances, he’s planning a ski trip to Colorado with a group of friends and plays video games all the time with others and goes to parties and I struggle so much with comparing myself to him. He was talking about his plans and friends yesterday, and he just got a really really good job in realty, at just 22, when we went to my moms for thanksgiving and I think that’s what brought this feeling on. I have a hard time giving myself grace with the fact that being trans and having adhd and ocd has made my development hard because he’s also adhd and ftm, although Im stealth and he’s open.

My parents are also very extroverted and I’m just so sad I’m the only member of my family who is super shy and can’t even begin to understand how to approach talking to someone. I have brain fog all the time and can never think of funny or interesting replies in conversations unless I’m really familiar with them. With my family I’m funny (I know because they’ve always told me lol) and smart but with everyone else I’m so fucking boring. I’ve been working for a year and a half and hav even going to college since fall and I feel like I haven’t made a dent in my social skills. I always feel so aware and I hate it.

I’m just really struggling with this feeling of horrible loneliness, and it makes me so sad to see everyone else living how I want to live. I just don’t know how to start. I’m moving to Chicago late next year when I’ve finally saved 10k and I hope it helps to give me a reset, I feel so stagnant here.

I like me and I don’t want to fundamentally change myself, but I wish I could make friends and be more outgoing but that feels so not me. I love extroverts and want to have extroverted friends but I can’t imagine attracting those types because I’m so stoic and take a while to open up.

Idk. I just feel pathetic. I’m nearly 21 still working in food service, living with my parent, 0 friends, depressed, struggling with even turning assignments in on time, and it’s also hard being gay in a small Midwest town.

Sorry for the long ass rant