I feel only comfortable posting it here. Shows how much I like this place, and how much I trust you gays to actually know your stuff. And yeah, I'm posting it here because where else, this is gender type shit.
Since Deltarune launched, and now even stronger since Ch3+4, I've associated with Ralsei very strongly. Just like me, he's basically an emotional wreck, who knows too much and tries to hide his pain. At the same time, his friends are his world and mean everything to him, just like mine to me. I even want to be like him, just a cute guy who loves to serve his friends and loved ones. So much so, that I feel like I'm projecting onto him way, way too hard. There are plenty people with a "ralsei is a transfem egg" headcannon, and I don't know why, but stuff like that makes me feel uncomfrotable.
Like, when I'm seeing this stuff I feel as being asked to be someone I'm not. It's just a fictional character, the dude supposedly doesn't even really exist in the world he's from. People can make him out whoever the fuck they want him to be. So why do I feel this way?
At the same time, I feel as existing itself as who I want to be is difficult. The gender norms required of cis men exhaust and sadden me, and if I don't fit into them I'm going to be targeted. Right now I'm just a guy, when I want to be πΊπΏπππ πΆ ππππΊ. Even then, trying to browse for makeup guides, or clothing styles makes me feel, unfulfilled, empty, and left guessing (Add some anxiety to that for some reason, maybe I'm overthinking the whole living in Poland thing). It's mostly either with femboys in mind, you know the one singular aesthetic that feels like a porn category. Or you know, just outright for women. And I'm not a woman, egg discourse annoys me because of that. I feel stuck, like I don't fit in within heteronormative spaces or queer spaces.
Maybe that's why I like Ralsei so much. I've never seen something like me outside of myself before.
Am I a cishet queer thing? What the fuck even am I?
I don't know the answer to your question but I know the feeling. I sometimes think "man" as a term is outdated, and sometimes I think I must be something else besides a man because I don't act like a "man". Maybe we're just nothing?
The thing is, I believe I absolutely am a man. Just not one that society really accepts, I've found out thanks to my two best friends. Who well, are trans men. They helped me understand that I'm valid, that I am a real man,
I believe I am a man too, in my own way. But my definition of man does not line up with the majority opinion, so I feel very strange about it. I think we feel similarly but I am really bad at explaining things.
I hope you can find what you're looking for. I believe you're a real, valid man too.
Gender norms fucking suck, man. Sometimes I wanna feel pretty when I get some brewskis and watch the game with the guys, ya know? (Granted, the game is StarCraft)
Thank god for kilts or I'd go off the goddamn deep end.