traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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cw: dysphoria i think
reconsidering my relationship with gender again, as it happens every time I'm introspective and/or sick as i am now. like I've got serious neuroses about confrontation and change esp under my parents eyes and roof so I have done like zero experimentation, which sucks because I want to but my brain basically shuts down at the possibility, like there's a block there. traces of performative masculinity? fear of sticking out? which sucks because rationally I know I should start trying shit out. my sister is already growing her hair out and painting her nails, but I've gotten the same haircut for 10 years at this point and I just can't bring myself to like, deviate at all besides my absolute aversion to facial hair and body hair, but even the latter it's hard to get myself to maintain, partly because of ADHD, but even then I'm so neurotic about facial hair. the idea of growing a beard is so fundamentally repellant that shaving my face is one of the most consistent bits of self maintenance I am able to do despite my ADHDit's to the point where it's causing self-doubt, because online I do present myself as I do and there's a dissonance between that and how I present and have tread IRL, where it makes me feel like I'm faking it online to not be a bog-standard white boy, that some aspect of this is just performance and wanting to feel like I'm part of the larger struggle when I'm rather privileged otherwise, being a suburbanite cracker who's going to college
but then that rubs against my very loud internal assertion that I really, genuinely don't like the more-masculine physical aspects of myself and have genuinely spent hours internally moping over, uh, not having boobs, well after no longer being pent-up (which makes me feel shitty to even qualify, but there are kink-related aspects to my internal mess of gender shit, so I feel like it's necessary to do so at least for my own rationalization) and every time I try a feminine face filter my feelings about it are an entangled mess in a way that someone secure in their gender identity probably would not experience on that level.
I guess it's the bit where despairing over the idea that I may not be trans is a form of gender dysphoria in-and-of-itself, but my thoughts on it feel way too messy and I'm deathly afraid that when I do experiment in a tangible way it will invalidate these feelings, and that's terrifying to me
Total shot in the dark
You won't know until you try, right? And surely it's worse to let it keep tormenting you like this instead of just finding out?
Plus, if you do in fact find out from experimenting in a tangible way that you have less gender going on than you thought, (which is extremely implausible, look at what you've written, no cis person could ever) you can just move on with whatever amount of gender works for you?
Seriously though, nobody pretends to be trans online in order to "not be a bog-standard white boy". I find white boys are typically unashamed of their place in society =) Plus I highly doubt anyone cis would be worried that gendery experimenting things are not for them...
I think psyching yourself out of even trying anything is hurting you more than the trying, is all. I know getting over those internal hurdles isn't easy though