this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2024
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hi so i forgot to message the person who was next (sorry HelltakerHomosexual) so i'm just gonna talk about a thing i like
Shadow the Hedgehog is a character that appears in the Sonic the Hedgehog series. Characterized by his sharp wit and strong sense of purpose, Shadow is a recurrent arch-rival of Sonic the Hedgehog, whom he resembles and shares many abilities. He is a major supporter of trans people, as evidenced by his catchphrase, "Trans people are cool!"
^ this is all from the wiki btw
I like Shadow a lot. His first appearance in the series is in a game where him and Sonic are both fighting the government and destroying these multi-million dollar gunships. Sonic is doing it because he loves communism but Shadow is doing it because he has a blood feud against G.U.N., who are like the global government death squads because they killed this girl, Maria, who he was best friends with.
Maria basically had an incurable illness that Eggman's grandpa was trying to cure by creating an immortal lifeform, which is actually how Shadow was born. Also, Shadow has a copy of Maria's soul I guess? Seriously, look it up. I'm reading all this shit for the first time right now and that sounds kinda trans to me.
Anyway, she gets shot by the troops and despite Maria telling Shadow to be normal and happy, Eggman's grandpa is pissed off about it so he starts psyopping Shadow into wanting to kill everyone on Earth. Eggman's grandpa successfully does the psyop and locks Shadow away until Eggman finds and releases him.
With his newfound power, Shadow starts being evil and helping Eggman find the Chaos Emeralds because he sees him piss on the moon or something. This goes on for a while until he gets back on the space station and remembers what Maria said, deciding to finally be normal and happy.
He switches up, goes Hyper Shadow and helps Sonic defeat the Biolizard which is basically what it sounds like: a giant lizard who wears the space station like a little jacket and shoots lasers from his mouth. Also, that thing was the prototype Ultimate Lifeform before they decided on the optimal form of existence: a little bipedal anthro hedgehog.
So they beat this lizard up, I guess it dies and then the space station is hurtling toward the Earth. Shadow takes a Chaos Emerald and, with the help of Sonic, does one last Chaos Control on the space station, returning it to a stable altitude. Sonic finds himself back on the space station as he flies into the atmosphere. After this, a big semi-translucent Shadow appears on top of the Earth and everyone can see it.
Why would I lie about that? Here it is.
Anyway, a bunch of shit happens after that but I don't care about it. If someone else wants to talk about Shadow the Hedgehog (2005) feel free. What I really wrote this out to justify talking about is the moon in Sonic games. Like I said before, the moon gets pissed on and destroyed with the help of Shadow,
and then in the next game it's just fine but evil now(???)
and after THAT it's not evil anymore but it's fully intact:
What the fuck? Why? How? I watched it get blown up. Who put the moon back together? Anyway, we're getting in the weeds here. Welcome to the mega.
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cw: dysphoria
Seeing new therapist recently, he is quite cis, maybe slightly brainwormed but wtf............ he's actually quite good...... got me to come out and admit I'm just boymoding wtf (even saying that rn feels so fucking fake and wrong for some reason but then why did it feel so good to just say it ;w;). I couldn't tell him my non-deadname when he asked, maybe next timeI have never cried or felt like I could be actually be vulnerable or perfectly honest before when I was seeing therapists :(
Somehow it's normal for me, so normal I don't even notice it a lot of the time, that I have an immense amount of shame and guilt and self-hatred for just existing ;w;
The only thing I hate more than myself is this sick, disgusting society for making me be so broken inside (I would also like to thank my dad for the part he played as well even if he's also broken inside, very well done, very nice, keep it up)
Can people come back from this or is it joever for me? Genuinely asking cuz I can't imagine ever not being destroyed by self-hatred and shame and just living openly as whatever the fuck I am cuz idk where these feelings even came from
DEATH TO AMERICA, UNLIMITED, INFINITELY VARIED DESTRUCTION ON THE BURGERREICH FOR CAUSING THE UNENDING SUFFERING OF BILLIONS OF PEOPLE
cw: abuse, existential horror
I've had the same experience of going to multiple therapists and not really understanding that I need to be quite open with them for the therapy to do anything. But even when I figured that part out, I still had no idea how to be like that. I was conditioned to not speak what I really thought from such a young age, because what I was thinking was very trans and very concerning for my parents. So they whipped it outta me.I think the first time I realised how closed up I am, was when I was on psilocybin. For the first time ever I felt like I was fully present in the company of my partner - before that moment, my life had just been on survival mode. For the first time I saw the contrast - that there was a different way of existing and it didn't have to be like this. I vowed then, that I would do everything in my power to follow this feeling like a distant light in my daily life with a hope that someday I can just breathe out and let go of my anxieties and inhibitions and just... be me; and be ok with it. I remember these events, but sadly... I can't see the light anymore. The constant soul churn of this worldwide death machine has lulled me right back into the darkness where it wants me, and I don't know the way out.
I cannot emphasize this enough - death to america and death to fascist britain.
cw: abuse, existential horror
I don't know the way out either but we know there must be one now, is better than purposelessly stumbling along in the dark for the rest of our lives right? So many people never even figure that part out :(
Is not a binary thing either ime, I have times where I am being more like myself than ever even if I feel so bad afterwards. I didn't even know I had it in me to be genuine with a therapist cuz the repression is usually operating at maximum in medical or public settings
I have experienced similar on psychedelic drugs, surely it can't just be some random one-off times? The potential is there
It's possible, guaranteed. Glad to see you posting here.
Omg Ash is back!!!
Am happy you got your queer humors back in order :3 (in reference to other post you made earlier)
Literally on the internet again
I'm fucking not
I look at my posts and I say, 'how the fuck is anyone meant to respond to this. what have I done. what am I yapping about'I live by this, I just made an effortpost about a language like 30 people speak fluently lmao
I will know :3
Wait no, they MUST know >:3
I upbeared that, waow, niche effortpost
MUST...
ui mi ba cmibi'o ai le'i certu se jbobau be da poi prenu ku
I must become part of the set of expert Lojban-using people :3
MUST...
you can heal from trauma. i know it's hard as shit and it's a long road but it's important to remind yourself of that i think. you can heal. you will feel better than this
Mood
Have little words rn cuz I am crying ;w;
There must be a way right? For years I couldn't even recognize these feelings are what they are until recently...... that has to be progress toward a something
I think there is a way... recognizing the feelings is such a huge step and some people never get to the stage you're at. I am just a broken person out somewhere on the internet trying to figure it all out too, but I do feel confident that you can get through this despite all of the society and the familial factors that made you this way, because I used to struggle with self-hatred & shame a lot in the past too and I'm still alive and I think I've made a lot of progress. Today I feel joy and proud of who I am, which are not things I could have felt years ago. I refuse to believe it's joever for anyone, because I believed the same things back then.
I hope you're right
Am really really glad, living with this stuff is not only agonizing and unhealthy but... in the end, completely unnecessary
Same tbh, is weird how little kindness I show to myself. Like I see so many happy people who reject the shame and self-hatred brainworms and refuse to repress themselves anymore (at least when it's physically safe). Not even just trans people but also autistic people and LGBT people of all kinds and even just...... (this is probably more important to me than it should be) furries or therians. I'm more open than to anyone else than my friends who are part of all of the aforementioned groups in some combination yet I still live with this cop-wolf in my head that won't let me just...... be myself all the time without asking for forgiveness ;w;
Feel a little better after crying, just feel rly exhausted now. I wanna write more cuz your response means a lot to me but I gotta go rest now, posting energy depleted
I hope that you can rest and feel better soon. I'm usually lurking around here these days so feel free to respond whenever you would like, no pressure :)
CW mentions of self-harm
I think this is such a big step tbh - if I had to (in my completely unprofessional opinion) sketch out how I think this stuff went for me, I think it'd be like this:
I still apologize a lot. It's tough, I'm seeing a therapist about various things like autism and relationships and other stuff, but I feel like I'm in a better place than I was two months ago. I too had the experience of this therapist being the first one that I actually got anything out of - previous ones I would just talk to, completely masked, it was such a waste of money...
Am tired but feeling a little better today
Ty for sharing how your journey trying to overcome this stuff is going, is really relatable to me tbh
For years I had been rly out of touch with my emotions to the point I didn't even realize the psychic toll self-hatred as a essential component of your being takes, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself lately (somewhere a little past your stage 4 maybe). Yesterday it kinda all came out during a therapy session, yet I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had to explain the internal experience of these feelings and just started crying. I haven't cried, like REALLY cried, haven't been to overcome some kind of mental block preventing it, probably since..... 2022. Was rly cathartic, even right before writing this I was just crying a bit about SorosFootSoldier's cat :(
Am trying to just.... let myself feel things again maybe and try to stop repressing everything
cw: dysphoria mentioned
Sameee. It's taken me 3 tries to find someone who actually challenges me, tries to understand me beyond a surface level. Cuz the previous ones..... idk why I would even see them cuz is like I uncontrollably switch into some kind of "functional patient-mask" and play the role of some simply depressed and emotionless normal man which honestly just hurts so much to do ugh. This time is like... the mask dropped for some minutes last session, never experienced that before in a medical setting (I actually just kinda fear doctors and medical professionals now from all the shit they have done to me tbh)
Also I didn't consider it until recently (even though people have told me all my life lol) but I think I am maybe autistic, I'm not sure. All this stuff is intermingled with my weird social coping skills, like I'm constantly trying to manage myself to give off and receive the "vibes" people wanna see/send and if I can't the shame beats me into an emotional pulp until I can reconstitute somewhere quiet where I can be alone
Btw, when you mentioned "parts", did you mean at all in the sense of a part in the internal family systems model? Ash talked with me a bit about it a month or 2 ago (I brought it up cuz my good therapist told me that it existed), I think said she heard about it from you, ended up starting to read this IFS book which I found rly interesting cuz I do kinda perceive all my various differently-typed impulses and thoughts as coming from like.... "
wolves 
" lol. I should go back to reading that book, was having some interesting moments trying to commune with the wolves (especially the one that likes to bite me for being myself) and figure out why they're inadvertently killing us lol
Refraining from apologizing for the messiness of this post, am quite tired (ahh so it's coming out through like a layer of indirection, interesting :3 )
Any time, I'm glad I can be helpful! It legitimately makes going through all of it worth it if I can help others in some way.
Being out of touch with your own emotions is super relatable, I've been there... It's so good to be able to feel properly, even if that means crying a lot, imo, I know this feeling. I'm glad you are trying to stop repressing!!
spoiler
Yeah, i know what you mean. My current therapist is also ND, so that helps a bit, she's pretty hyper-perceptive of facial expressions and seems to know how to get past all my masking layers sometimes which is really what I needed. I was the same as you, felt like I was just chatting and paying a ton of money just for someone to talk to...I describe myself as "probably autistic" but there's definitely a lot of variation in how that appears. I have been diagnosed ADHD but am unmedicated currently (which is probably not too smart considering I have a FT job) but score rather high on clinical assessments for autism and relate a lot to the experiences I read about in several books on the subject.
Re. the vibes people wanna see, I am not sure if this is what you mean but this is a struggle I've had that maybe you can relate to: I, previously, would be so hyperfocused on wanting people to like me that I'd lose track of my own emotions and feelings, end up going along with things I shouldn't have because other people wanted something of me etc. I get swept up in other peoples' enthusiasm pretty easily and it can lead to oopsies, I'm still working on this.
Yeah, my therapist is trained in IFST, so that's how we tend to approach things. You've probably read more about it than I have if you're reading a book on it, but my impression is that all people are systems and we have multiple parts that have different opinions. It's kinda similar to dialectical reasoning i think.
I've been mentioning it to anyone who will listen, lol, since I've gotten a lot out of this mental framework. I think the actual therapy bit is about isolating the parts, asking them questions, and kinda reparenting and compromising with them, bringing them closer to your core self (which therapist describes as the part of us that has space and accommodates all of the parts)
And no need to apologize, I appreciate reading your thoughts :)
spoiler
I felt very similar to you a few years ago. Was very depressed and did not feel like I could ever get better. Felt like I was broken in many ways and just overal a dysfunctional person.Learned through therapy that those feelings came through trauma, and that they’re not normal. I used to cope by distracting myself always (still do to some degree), either through work, college or rotting in bed watching slop. Had to be in bed a lot of the time because the energy it took to ignore my trauma and negativity thoughts was a lot.
Through therapy I’m still untangling the mess of multiple sources of trauma and I think I’m nearing the end stage of that, because a lot of my bad habits and negative feelings have a very clear source now. Knowing the source of a negative feeling makes it much easier to not take serious.
For example, I have a big problem with guilt, the smallest source of guilt would make me spiral. Now that I know why guilt makes me feel so incredibly bad, I know that it’s not because of the small thing I did wrong, but because of a trauma response that makes me feel all the bad feelings I felt as a kid. It’s easier to accept that the feeling is there when the source is so clear, and I know now that I don’t really have to address it and can just wait till it’s over.
Now that I don’t constantly get bombarded with very strong negative feelings without a clear source, I feel a lot more at rest which gives me confidence that I can now work on changing some of my bad habits that I used for coping.
Like I truly never believed I could be happy with myself and feel some kind of inner peace but now I am and I do a lot of the time. And when I don’t then I know it’s because I didn’t sleep well for a while or because I’m stressed about something and know that I’ll get the feeling back after a while.
There are people who have very different experiences with therapy than me so I won’t say it’s a definite ‘cure’ but there are a lot of people who have at least felt some relief through therapy and the issues you mention make you a good candidate for it.
You won't be what you're thinking of, but you can put the pieces back together, on a spectrum from kintsugi to ikeahacking
Which isn't always more fun than just being broken, but sometimes it is.