this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2024
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hi so i forgot to message the person who was next (sorry HelltakerHomosexual) so i'm just gonna talk about a thing i like

Shadow the Hedgehog is a character that appears in the Sonic the Hedgehog series. Characterized by his sharp wit and strong sense of purpose, Shadow is a recurrent arch-rival of Sonic the Hedgehog, whom he resembles and shares many abilities. He is a major supporter of trans people, as evidenced by his catchphrase, "Trans people are cool!"

^ this is all from the wiki btw

I like Shadow a lot. His first appearance in the series is in a game where him and Sonic are both fighting the government and destroying these multi-million dollar gunships. Sonic is doing it because he loves communism but Shadow is doing it because he has a blood feud against G.U.N., who are like the global government death squads because they killed this girl, Maria, who he was best friends with.

Maria basically had an incurable illness that Eggman's grandpa was trying to cure by creating an immortal lifeform, which is actually how Shadow was born. Also, Shadow has a copy of Maria's soul I guess? Seriously, look it up. I'm reading all this shit for the first time right now and that sounds kinda trans to me.

Anyway, she gets shot by the troops and despite Maria telling Shadow to be normal and happy, Eggman's grandpa is pissed off about it so he starts psyopping Shadow into wanting to kill everyone on Earth. Eggman's grandpa successfully does the psyop and locks Shadow away until Eggman finds and releases him.

With his newfound power, Shadow starts being evil and helping Eggman find the Chaos Emeralds because he sees him piss on the moon or something. This goes on for a while until he gets back on the space station and remembers what Maria said, deciding to finally be normal and happy.

He switches up, goes Hyper Shadow and helps Sonic defeat the Biolizard which is basically what it sounds like: a giant lizard who wears the space station like a little jacket and shoots lasers from his mouth. Also, that thing was the prototype Ultimate Lifeform before they decided on the optimal form of existence: a little bipedal anthro hedgehog.

So they beat this lizard up, I guess it dies and then the space station is hurtling toward the Earth. Shadow takes a Chaos Emerald and, with the help of Sonic, does one last Chaos Control on the space station, returning it to a stable altitude. Sonic finds himself back on the space station as he flies into the atmosphere. After this, a big semi-translucent Shadow appears on top of the Earth and everyone can see it.

Why would I lie about that? Here it is.

Anyway, a bunch of shit happens after that but I don't care about it. If someone else wants to talk about Shadow the Hedgehog (2005) feel free. What I really wrote this out to justify talking about is the moon in Sonic games. Like I said before, the moon gets pissed on and destroyed with the help of Shadow,

and then in the next game it's just fine but evil now(???)

and after THAT it's not evil anymore but it's fully intact:

What the fuck? Why? How? I watched it get blown up. Who put the moon back together? Anyway, we're getting in the weeds here. Welcome to the mega.


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[โ€“] [email protected] 9 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I hope you're right

because I used to struggle with self-hatred & shame a lot in the past too and I'm still alive and I think I've made a lot of progress. Today I feel joy and proud of who I am, which are not things I could have felt years ago.

Am really really glad, living with this stuff is not only agonizing and unhealthy but... in the end, completely unnecessary

I refuse to believe it's joever for anyone, because I believed the same things back then.

Same tbh, is weird how little kindness I show to myself. Like I see so many happy people who reject the shame and self-hatred brainworms and refuse to repress themselves anymore (at least when it's physically safe). Not even just trans people but also autistic people and LGBT people of all kinds and even just...... (this is probably more important to me than it should be) furries or therians. I'm more open than to anyone else than my friends who are part of all of the aforementioned groups in some combination yet I still live with this cop-wolf in my head that won't let me just...... be myself all the time without asking for forgiveness ;w;

Feel a little better after crying, just feel rly exhausted now. I wanna write more cuz your response means a lot to me but I gotta go rest now, posting energy depleted

cuddle

[โ€“] [email protected] 9 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I hope that you can rest and feel better soon. I'm usually lurking around here these days so feel free to respond whenever you would like, no pressure :) cuddle

CW mentions of self-harm

Am really really glad, living with this stuff is not only agonizing and unhealthy but... in the end, completely unnecessary

I think this is such a big step tbh - if I had to (in my completely unprofessional opinion) sketch out how I think this stuff went for me, I think it'd be like this:

  1. Self-hatred and shame and guilt. People tell me to stop apologizing, or take advantage. I'm totally oblivious.
  2. I realize that I am like this, and that it's destroying my life. "This is water" moment. At this point though, I believe that I need the self-hatred to function.
  3. Somewhere in here, I realize that maybe I don't "need" to be this way? Maybe there's a version of me that can exist without it?
  4. And after that ... I start to make little changes. Instead of hitting myself when I'm having a meltdown, I hug myself and rock a little bit instead... I try to give the kind voice in my mind more space, let them start to provide counter-narratives to the hateful parts I had internalized. At first, it's really hard.
  5. Over a period of time, I start to be kinder and kinder to myself. Eventually, I realize that the parts of me that were hateful have quieted down - either they vocalize themselves less hurtful ways, or maybe just that self-indulgent SH drive (for me it was a bit of a malicious thing) just went away because I started to believe what kind people told me.

I still apologize a lot. It's tough, I'm seeing a therapist about various things like autism and relationships and other stuff, but I feel like I'm in a better place than I was two months ago. I too had the experience of this therapist being the first one that I actually got anything out of - previous ones I would just talk to, completely masked, it was such a waste of money...

[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

cat-trans

Am tired but feeling a little better today

Ty for sharing how your journey trying to overcome this stuff is going, is really relatable to me tbh

For years I had been rly out of touch with my emotions to the point I didn't even realize the psychic toll self-hatred as a essential component of your being takes, but I'm trying to be kinder to myself lately (somewhere a little past your stage 4 maybe). Yesterday it kinda all came out during a therapy session, yet I didn't even realize how bad it was until I had to explain the internal experience of these feelings and just started crying. I haven't cried, like REALLY cried, haven't been to overcome some kind of mental block preventing it, probably since..... 2022. Was rly cathartic, even right before writing this I was just crying a bit about SorosFootSoldier's cat :(

Am trying to just.... let myself feel things again maybe and try to stop repressing everything

cw: dysphoria mentioned

previous ones I would just talk to, completely masked

Sameee. It's taken me 3 tries to find someone who actually challenges me, tries to understand me beyond a surface level. Cuz the previous ones..... idk why I would even see them cuz is like I uncontrollably switch into some kind of "functional patient-mask" and play the role of some simply depressed and emotionless normal man which honestly just hurts so much to do ugh. This time is like... the mask dropped for some minutes last session, never experienced that before in a medical setting (I actually just kinda fear doctors and medical professionals now from all the shit they have done to me tbh)

Also I didn't consider it until recently (even though people have told me all my life lol) but I think I am maybe autistic, I'm not sure. All this stuff is intermingled with my weird social coping skills, like I'm constantly trying to manage myself to give off and receive the "vibes" people wanna see/send and if I can't the shame beats me into an emotional pulp until I can reconstitute somewhere quiet where I can be alone

Btw, when you mentioned "parts", did you mean at all in the sense of a part in the internal family systems model? Ash talked with me a bit about it a month or 2 ago (I brought it up cuz my good therapist told me that it existed), I think said she heard about it from you, ended up starting to read this IFS book which I found rly interesting cuz I do kinda perceive all my various differently-typed impulses and thoughts as coming from like.... "two-wolves-1 wolves two-wolves-2" lol. I should go back to reading that book, was having some interesting moments trying to commune with the wolves (especially the one that likes to bite me for being myself) and figure out why they're inadvertently killing us lol

Refraining from apologizing for the messiness of this post, am quite tired (ahh so it's coming out through like a layer of indirection, interesting :3 )

[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 2 days ago

cat-trans

Any time, I'm glad I can be helpful! It legitimately makes going through all of it worth it if I can help others in some way.

Being out of touch with your own emotions is super relatable, I've been there... It's so good to be able to feel properly, even if that means crying a lot, imo, I know this feeling. I'm glad you are trying to stop repressing!!

spoilerYeah, i know what you mean. My current therapist is also ND, so that helps a bit, she's pretty hyper-perceptive of facial expressions and seems to know how to get past all my masking layers sometimes which is really what I needed. I was the same as you, felt like I was just chatting and paying a ton of money just for someone to talk to...

I describe myself as "probably autistic" but there's definitely a lot of variation in how that appears. I have been diagnosed ADHD but am unmedicated currently (which is probably not too smart considering I have a FT job) but score rather high on clinical assessments for autism and relate a lot to the experiences I read about in several books on the subject.

Re. the vibes people wanna see, I am not sure if this is what you mean but this is a struggle I've had that maybe you can relate to: I, previously, would be so hyperfocused on wanting people to like me that I'd lose track of my own emotions and feelings, end up going along with things I shouldn't have because other people wanted something of me etc. I get swept up in other peoples' enthusiasm pretty easily and it can lead to oopsies, I'm still working on this.

parts

Yeah, my therapist is trained in IFST, so that's how we tend to approach things. You've probably read more about it than I have if you're reading a book on it, but my impression is that all people are systems and we have multiple parts that have different opinions. It's kinda similar to dialectical reasoning i think.

I've been mentioning it to anyone who will listen, lol, since I've gotten a lot out of this mental framework. I think the actual therapy bit is about isolating the parts, asking them questions, and kinda reparenting and compromising with them, bringing them closer to your core self (which therapist describes as the part of us that has space and accommodates all of the parts)

And no need to apologize, I appreciate reading your thoughts :)