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IMPORTANT SITE REMINDERS ARE LISTED AFTER THIS RANT (so please read all of it in order to find the rules >:3)
On this mega I shall take the opportunity to rant about one of my favorite things: the Webnovel UNJUST DEPTHS!
Do you love transgenders?
Do you love communism?
Do you love queer romance?
Do you love killing fascists in a giant fucking mech?
Would a plotline with all of these things happening in a underwater retro-futuristic gundam setting intrigue you?
Especially if its actually really well written with good characters, rich worldbuilding, and a marxist leninist transfem author?
All of the answers should be: YES I DO ~~or else I WILL BAN YOU~~
Since you obviously love all of those things then Unjust Depths is perfect for YOU yes YOU! It is DESTINY
The Imbrian Ocean is at a time of severe instability. The monarch of the vast Empire that spans its unjust depths (:3) is sick and nearing death, every territory of the ocean now vying to carve their own Destiny out of the chaos. From the Volk fascists 
, Zionists 
(they literally will not die why are they still here oh my god), The 'Anarchists' (social chauvanists) 
in Bosporus, and the monarchs 
of each vast noble domain, each vies for power and prestige no matter who they crush underfoot, but it would be a pretty depressing story without a bright light in the dark.
On the edge of the Empire sits the glorious Union! The (Soviet) Union 
is a socialist federation of three states (and one anarchist mountain 
)that were formerly slave colonies under the Imbrian Empire until they broke away in a fierce liberation war. They have spent the last 20 years since then building themselves up. Whether they be Human 
, Shimmi 
(Catgirls who usually follow a religion closely related to modern Islam), and Kattaran 
(a hybrid humanoid species with characteristics of sea life ranging from sharks to cuttlefish)building socialism side by side.
First lead under the revolutionary leader Dashka Kansal, then the Idealist Ahwalia who lead the country to near ruin in pursuit of building a utopia on pillars of sand, then under the scientific socialist 
leadership of the Grand Marshall of the Union, Bhavani Jayanskar (I love Jayanskar so much shes basically as if Stalin, Lenin, and Zhukov were rolled into the same person but was a black lesbian badass who wore the uniform REALLY WELL)(she aint the main character at all tho shes only in very few scenes i just love her so much). Under Jayanskar, the Union has been growing their economy to both eliminate hunger and give everyone a home 
, but also growing their military capabilities for the inevitable return of the Empire. The Union is alone, but with the people by its side nothing, not even Destiny, can snuff out true freedoms light. 
As war wages between the Empire and Republic (basically underwater USA) once more over the lands between them, the facade begins to finally crack...
And a border conflict between the Empire and Union escalate, and the dreaded reconquest begins.
Amidst this turmoil, lives our main characters (yes there are multiple and all of them are lovely). Each of whom I personally love dearly, and are very well characterized. Many are soldiers of the Union, some are scientists, some are divers (mech pilots), some are lost strands finding new meaning after joining this band of Brigands
All are Communists 
All serve the Union 
All would gladly give their lives to defending socialism 
but even they would have little inkling of the adventure set in store for them as the lands beneath the waves erupt in fire, fury, and revolt
Can these transgender badasses kick fascist ass?
Can they kiss? (oh my god please kiss ISTG THERE IS SO MUCH SHIPPING AHHHH ITS GLORIOUS)
FIND OUT HERE: https://unjustdepths.com/
please do or else I will pout incessantly
just try it pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase i need to talk to someone about it after Cromalin went AFK
(I miss her, she was a real one)
REALLY IMPORTANT RULES BELOW, MUST READ
Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#tracha:chapo.chat
As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Alright, I had a lot going on today, so I'm going to run it all down in a single post.
what is happening to me? cw: sex. TL;DR: Being someone's boyfriend would suck shit, but being someone's girlfriend would be extremely based.
Starting this off with the context that I'm demisexual. Anyway, I might also be bisexual? I'm going to be honest, I did not see this curve-ball coming. I've only liked femininity for the longest time, though I never really wanted to be into anybody. I deemed myself asexual, and I was really upset by the fact that I would feel so horny so much of the time. I didn't want to feel like that, I wanted to be in a relationship with someone purely because of lust, and it disgusted me, and I felt ashamed of myself. Anyway, transitioning (and HRT) changed all of that. Now a lot of what I want is romantic. Sure, sex would probably be nice, but I would want it to be with someone I have built a romantic relationship with. Horniness was replaced by fantasies of romance, of walking with someone down a snowy path, watching the leaves change colors and fall, cuddling on the couch, etc. I have hopelessly fallen in love with the idea of falling in love, and I've realized that I don't think I see anything wrong sharing those experiences with a masculine person, or an androgynous person, for that matter. I don't think that matters to me so much, and I feel like being in relationships with other people could provide me with unique experiences that I would not otherwise get to see and feel. I have no sexual experience to speak of, but based on my thought process behind it, I think romantic feelings would extend to it. Even if it didn't, even if I am 100% asexual no sex at all (I don't think I am), I would be content enjoying a romantic relationship with someone of any gender identity.the fucking forest fire waiting to happen. TL;DR: I did not think work was going to be like this today
So I work in public parks, keeping them clean and such. One such park was a wildlife area. It looked pretty nice, and I may see about posting photos, but that's for another time. A guy comes walking out of the woods, asking if we were working in the park. We said yes (I was eating lunch), and he then apologizes for interrupting our lunch break, but that there was scorched ground around a tree, and that something had caught fire. Safe to say lunch did not matter at that point, and we ran over to see what had happened. In a circle around a perfectly fine tree (thought it could have been lightning or something) was the scorched ground, still smoldering, though there was no fire. He apologizes again, saying he had come here to pick mushrooms and that he had seen this and thought he should warn someone. It was a good thing he did, because the heat and the smoldering was spreading. Not too fast, but not too slow either. We then have to call our boss, who tells us to call emergency services because this is a big deal, so we do. We watch the ground to make sure it doesn't get too out of hand, and it reaches a pile of leaves, which catch fire. We were surprised, but easily able to put it out. One we had firefighters on the scene, we moved things like leaves and sticks out of the way while they got the hose. They then put it out, telling us it was a good thing we had called them, because the risk for a fire was very high today, and it would have likely burned down the entire park had they not done something about it. So yeah, me and a couple of co-workers (and mushroom guy + firefighter cadets) saved an entire wildlife park from perishing in the flames. Amazing, but people should be more careful smoking or lighting campfires in a dry savanna-like area.well, the gods of trans give and the gods of (cw) dysphoria take... TL;DR: Co-workers found my deadname and are using it again.
HOW DID THEY FIND MY DEADNAME AGAIN??? I had gotten them all to use my name, and I guess I once again face the consequences for it being close to my dead name, because my boss saw legal documents again and started deadnaming me in front of most of my co-workers. Now, they're all going to use it again too, and the luck I was graced with a month ago has just completely flipped. I swear, I'm going to have to change my name, because at this point even my new name is causing some dysphoria just by proxy. When I started transitioning a few months ago, I didn't want my old self to die, so together with my mother I ended up picking a nice, but similar name that would be easy for people to start using in place of my deadname. Little did I know that a few months from them, I would realize just how bad things were back then, and how I want that part of my identity dead, because I am much better off with it that way. It caused me so much trauma, and getting he/him'd and deadnamed just because people thought I said my name wrong, or am using a "fake" name, doesn't feel great at all. At thins point, I've gone from "Well, it wasn't so bad, but I'm here now, let's see how it goes" to "I'm never going back, how did I think I was cis, life before transition caused me so much trauma".no really, I'm weird (cw dysphoria) TL;DR: I don't think I'm in a very good state of mind.
Ironically enough, it's at work where I feel more comfortable. It's weird, but being deadnamed and he/him'd is not as bad as the discomfort I feel going to school as someone who is publicly trans. It's a long story on how this happened, but to make it short: I have no social will to correct people, I barely have any social will to exist in a group setting (thanks trauma + autism) so I made due with what I could for appearance and impressions. At work, I wear old jeans and a work-assigned T shirt. This does not do me many favors in terms of getting gendered correctly, and therefore I am misgendered regularly. At school, I can change my name on the website we use, and I can introduce myself to the class with that name (yeah I did this at work too, read the 3rd spoiler tag for more details). However, I went into my first day in women's jeans and a women's T shirt, and went into my second day with a similar T-shirt and skirt. Great, I'm out and about the way I want to be. Wait, I have social anxiety, and trauma in social situations, especially involving schools. Shit. I'm hyper-vigilant while I'm there, constantly waiting and bracing myself for someone to say something about me, for someone to start harassing me. I might be the only trans person on campus, at least when I'm there, and any time somebody looks at me I just die inside. My survival mindset was to please others, even at my own expense, for the longest time, and I guess some of that made it's way into my modern life as well. At work, while they think that I am a guy and address me as such, I don't have to worry about being around them knowing that they know I'm trans. I don't have to hear what they think, I don't have to worry about walking in on them talking about me, and I don't have to worry about them hating me for that reason. In fact, with the job I have, I'm pretty sure at least 60-70% of my co-workers would dislike me if I came out, especially with what I've seen them wear in terms of hats and belts. So yeah, I don't think I'm going to tell anyone at my job, because I don't want to be alienated in another place. That's the issue at the end of the day. While I feel so much better about life and myself, I've alienated myself from most people, people I already had a hard time connecting with. I've just put myself into one more category, one more niche that makes it difficult to get to know other people and feel comfortable around them.Now for the really weird part. Working with a bunch of cis men is gender-affirming to me. Most of them are hyper-masculine types, and those that aren't are still taller or older than me. The few other women that work there are all wearing the same thing as the men. Not only do I not have to worry too much about gender envy or imposter syndrome, but I can feel my differences in contrast to my co-workers masculinity, and it reinforces the fact that Yes, I'm a woman, and I am definitely trans. This does not carry over to school. I have an issue where I compare myself to cis women, and I can't seem to stop myself. I've only been on HRT for four months, have gotten no lazer or surgeries of any kind, and have a crappy fashion sense, and yet I compare myself to people who were born with the gender they wanted, people who have already gone through their puberty, the puberty that they wanted to go through. Not only do I feel lots of gender envy, but I feel like I'm not a woman. I invalidate my own experience based on others, and I'm aware that it's bad, but I can't stop. Especially in the moment, combined with the social anxiety, autism, and past trauma, I can't help but have those thoughts because I'm already carrying so many things, and it's all too easy to add to the pile. Yeah, I'm probably not okay, but at least I helped to prevent a forest fire and I might be a boykisser now.
replying to number four
Well, yeah, I dunno. Fuck em? Obviously when it's your job there are other considerations but like, fuck those people? Fuck anyone who considers this a barrier with you?? Also are you not already alienated at your job by boymoding? Same goes for school, uh fuck people y'know. Who cares, people look at you sometimes. Whatever. It's probable that somebody somewhere on campus has bad thoughts but whatever, they should go jump in a pit.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you about the gender-envy self-invalidation stuff, seems like you know already.
the answer, cw: dysphoria
I wish I could have this mentality, but I just do not have the energy. I still worry way too much about displeasing others, and I'm the kind of person to try to keep things going as smoothly as possible. If that means I boymode, then I do, at least until it becomes something that won't make my time there as miserable*. Yes, the boymoding causes alienation, but I feel like it's a different kind from what I experience at school. School is more like "I've always had issues with alienation, and this is just one more thing" while work is "I feel like a different person while I'm here, I'm just not going to speak (and not just because of voice dysphoria) and completely chameleon while I'm here". I'm honestly not much of a talker in either setting, but I find myself talking a bit more at work because of the whole chameleon thing, while at school I don't want people to hear my voice. I barely talk at work as it is, to the point where my co-workers are a bit confused. I realize as I'm typing this that there's a lot of contradictions in my thinking, and I probably really need to start seeing a therapist, but this is how my brain seems to work. I'm weird, I don't make sense, and I feel messed up. I used to be "fine" in isolation, extremely depressed and numb, but now I just get to feel that isolation when I can feel so many other things (It's an improvement, but it's a new feeling). Alienation that felt somewhat comforting before (for many reasons) now feels really lonely, and while I wish I could talk to more people and not have these issues with it, I feel like it's so hard-coded into me at this point, and I don't see how I can really escape this. Ha, I say I'm better than I was, but if this is better, what does that say about my life just a little over a month ago?
*perhaps this part was a bit too contradictory to even make sense. I don't quite "boymode" in the sense that I act a different way. Other than the masking, which I bring up (chameleon), I don't tend to act any way that I wouldn't already act. I wear padded bras, nail polish...
You know, I was typing up this part, and I realize something. I'm not trying to hide anything, as I was saying, I literally just act however I want anyway, and I even wore eyeliner once. Now, the cis are oblivious, obviously enough, but if I'm not hiding, what am I scared of? The fact that putting a label on it is going to upset them? I was about to ask for smaller shirts at work as well (so my boobs would be more visible), and I'm worried about telling them I'm trans? I'm actually so messed up, so clueless, and so dense if I thought I was hiding anything, and it wasn't just the fear of them knowing a label. Hell, I already look for feminine than all of my cis male co-workers, and although I have facial hair sometimes, and I don't like it, what does that have to do with anything??? I honestly think it could be the issue of my voice, because it probably gives me the most dysphoria (next to my facial hair), but that can be changed? I think I'm going to "come out" to my co-workers, and as I'm typing this my heart is beating and I'm starting to stress out, but I've put out all of my thoughts, all of the facts, and doing this should only be a net positive. Sure the one redneck boy in high school and the one #bluelivesmatter guy might think of me differently, but you were right, what does that even matter in the grand scheme of things? I'll still have my radlib co-workers who will go on about how great Copmala HariSS is and say "When in doubt, just listen to what RATM has to say" in the same sentence. Maybe I'll even start a civil war (/s) but it doesn't even matter. I deserve to at least be talked to and referenced correctly.
ah
It kind of seems like it takes more energy worrying about displeasing people, and shit? Like seriously, look at how stressed you seem to be about keeping things running smoothly at your own expense. You have no requirement socially to keep anything running smoothly. Your work situation does not seem more desirable than your school one, honestly.Sure are a lot of contradictions... I'm not gonna recommend a therapist per se because lmao who can afford that, but thinking this type of thing through and really chewing on it helps.
You have social-related issues like a lot of us do, be kind to yourself. Unfortunately Idk how to go about talking to more people, other than to just say that you can. I do not irl though, so what do I know...
Any improvement is still a good thing. It takes time to get better.
It's the only reason I haven't gotten one yet...
I also made some clarifications to the original comment that might explain my feelings on work vs school, and I also kind of pieced something together while I was doing it. Long story short, but I think I'm going to tell my co-workers that I'm trans.
For real, I think therapy can be good but in western nations it's so fucked and so geared for getting people to be wageslaves again, and fuck that.
Thank you for your help