I recently started talking with someone who seems to actually value my existence and company... well, I've known her for a bit, but she just decided to approach me first about the thought of us getting to know each other more and more. We've chatted a lot before, but it was mostly about veganism and insights pertaining to that—not much else, though.
She is incredibly relatable and a very fun person. She doesn't live near me, but we started sending each other long emails where we talk about ourselves and ask each other questions to know more about each other in terms of our interests, life, hobbies, and all of that—virtual penpal shit, basically. She said she loves doing that, but she's tried it with a few other people who unfortunately got bored and tired of it.
She told me that she is very closed-off and quiet. She does not feel comfortable talking to most people and is entirely estranged from her family (me too!) Her husband and I are the only people she would consider her friends, and she asked me if I minded being called her "BFF." And, of course, I don't.
She is a vegan activist who used to do a lot of street outreach but got tired and stressed because of that so she's done more chill things like post comics about animal liberation instead. She relates to me in other values as well. She's not really a comrade, but she knows I'm a Marxist and genuinely wants to learn more about that. She's an avid reader, so I gave her some basic recommendations and other resources besides books.
There's a level of understanding here that I feel like I seldom ever get... I'm glad to have her. I get really depressed most nights. I don't value and appreciate my own life much if I had to be honest, but it makes me glad knowing that someone else does.
Most people are repulsed by me in some way or another, so the fact that she reached out to me just to learn more about me and everything was really nice of her. We've vibed in the past, but things have gotten a lot closer now.
If I ever could get out of this shitty state, I'd love to hang with her and her husband IRL. We'd have a lot of fun. Her husband is into metal and really digs my music, too.
Funny story: I've been calling her "da GOAT," and English isn't her first language, so she thought I was calling her a literal goat, but she took it as a compliment because she really likes goats. She told her husband, an American, and he died laughing from hearing that story.
Funny shit. Behhh 🐐
I genuinely cannot stop beating myself up, feeling torment, and living life in avoidance and constant fear because of this. It's one thing to have people disagree with you on a maybe less-than-optimal take. It's another thing altogether when multiple people say you're the villain in a serious conflict and you have to live every single day not knowing how true that is, and this is exacerbated by the way my mind works.
How does my mind work? If I can make two assumptions: a positive one and a negative one, I always assume the negative one is more likely to be true unless I get proven otherwise.
I'm honestly not certain if I'm the bad one in this situation... even my therapist flat-out said, "Your brother seriously is just not a critical thinker," but I am still thinking to isolate myself from people just because I am scared of hurting them the same way. My therapist also said this could be due to the fact that my parents were quick to always assume bad faith with me, and if I ever fucked something up, they'd assume it's because of malice or deliberate sabotage rather than ignorance.
I can't calm down, and I literally might go to my clinic to see if I can get a quick emergency session because of the amount of anguish I feel because of this. It's bad. I've had anxiety because of people's comments before, but literally none have made me this broken. I have to go to the pharmacy to refill a medication anyway, and the clinic is right next to it, so I might as well...
I also would be horrified to cause any sadness to my friend. She literally texts me good night texts or will randomly send me a text saying things like
She also told me that she cannot relate to most people, so me and her husband would be her only friends.
I don't wanna take that away from someone if they genuinely mean it, but it's hard because I also cannot bring myself to further a relationship if I'm 99.99% confident I will say or do something to harm this person at some point.
And, quite obviously, I respect her far too much to ghost her, so that's not an option either.