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I have barely watched Breaking Bad
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Let's have another good week everyone 
(CW: Transphobia)
Just got a text from my father and I read it while I was still working and it kinda fucked me up, I was struggling a bit to do the last bit of tutoring for the day.Context is I had said I could probably meet up for lunch Sunday if I'm not collapsed on my bed due to work. Since I have a 12 hour outdoor work day on Saturday and this week is also just long in general. And he knows that. Oh and during our call Sunday my mother yelled at me over his phone again and tried to gaslight me about how she had told me that she wants me homeless when I brought it up. So this is coming right after that. Fun.
"OK, Sunday, choose the place and stop whining, you know that there is still a place for you here and that your life would be easier if you were ready to wait a few more years for your transition."
Just. I know it's not the absolute worst thing I've gotten from either of them about it. But it just hurts so much more deeply for some reason. I want to just get into bed and curl up to cry but I need to shower and eat first since I only just got off work so I'm gonna have to zombie through that for an hour or some such before I can let this emotionally settle and that sounds fucking awful right now.
Oh and he has literally never once called me by my name. He compromised by saying he would switch to my old nickname which I was fine with, only to then immediately stop using it and go back to my deadname.
spoiler
Fuck em, they don't deserve to have you in their life at all. The fucking losers don't even deserve to be able to meet up with you, they don't respect you or your schedule/workload. They deserve to never see you again on account of them being utter bastards.Sorry you're having to deal with this
::: spoiler (CW Transphobia, Suicide) I honestly teared up a little while reading this one last night, in a good way I mean. It really helped the feeling to set in and process a little. This sort of bluntness usually does, actually, so I appreciate it a lot.
And you're right, but I'm too cowardly to do it. I should, this has been a repeat problem from them and it spirals me a little every time, this being a particularly bad one. But... I still love them and it hurts to cut it off like that. Even if I recognise that it'll be better for me, even if I recognise I'll be happier, I'm too much of a coward to do it right now. Cutting off my mother is already more taxing than I thought it'd be, even though every time I've heard her voice for the past year it was to yell at me, say I'm in a cult, call me a capitalist for being trans, disown me, talk about how my bigoted cousin is so much smarter than me despite being an uneducated shit, threaten me with her suicide, blame my father's ill health on me. I still miss her despite it. Even though I really fucking shouldn't.
And the worst bit is I know them well enough to understand the rationale behind the hurtful things they say. Like I realise the reason my father said this bit is because he's guilty and me bringing up how hard things are sometimes makes him feel bad about kicking me out. Considering the time he texted it he was probably drunk too and has forgotten by now. But why am I so fixated on trying to empathise with something so hurtful. I wish I was able to find it in me to at least tell him off for the lack of respect but I can't.
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Well it's good to know being blunt has worked out for once, lol. I'm happy I could help, hope you're feeling a little better todayI had sort of figured it was something like that, not the first time I've seen this situation. As much as I agree that it would be better and you would be happier, I think it's really too harsh to be calling yourself a coward about. Totally understandable that you still care about them, I mean I don't think anybody wants to have to deal with not having family, y'know? Not a good reality to have to face, you love them so of course it's brutal and shitty to think you have to just leave them behind forever. It's not easy to cut strings and never again speak to people you've known your entire life and who should be good parents who care for you.
Having said that, I hate your parents with a burning passion more now than yesterday even, fuck.
You probably know them pretty dang well so I think that empathising is somewhat natural? Maybe it helps a little to know the how and why, even if your dad has a really fuckin funny way of showing his guilt about it. Do something cool dad, c'mon.
Very understandable that you'd have trouble asserting yourself as far as getting these people out of your life, so don't beat yourself up. As much as full zero-contact might force jim to shape up, I sesne that he'd probably be very shitty about it to you. Baby steps maybe? Even something as small as saying 'No, I will be recovering from a 12 hour shift, (that I work because I got kicked out, wonder who by) I will see if I have different day when I'm not exhausted' or something, y'know.
I won't yap forever, it's just not right that any of your family is so goddamn shitty to you and still gets to even speak to you. Hoping you feel better
::: spoiler spoiler Blunt was perfect. Honestly it always is for me, I have a habit of brooding and getting a blunt reply usually helps me recontextualise it and see a bit clearer to stop brooding.
Yeah, I know it's quite common, and if someone else was hurting in this way I'd have probably said the same as you, that staying in the relationship just hurts them more. But I also recognise that I can't cut him off yet, I'm not really ready for it at all. And I guess part of me hopes that since he's not as transphobic that maybe he'll actually try to change later, but I know that won't happen.
A lot of my friends do. Honestly if I went in full detail you'd hate them even more.
Pfffft. Okay I know you probably didn't mean this specifically, but I can't help but read 'do something cool dad' as
I wish I could but he has a letter to give me that got sent to their place since I still don't have a real permanent address. And it's for my loan, so I do kind of have to. Plus I was going to need to do groceries that day anyways. Sunday Sery will be a very grumpy and eepy girl though. I'll try to use your suggestion sometime in the future though, I do think it would help.
Thank you, I am at this point. Still a bit emotionally volatile, but not nearly as much as I was last night when I was ugly crying.
spoiler
Oh cool, this is good news cause I'm best at being blunt and not much elseI mean I think that's fair, hope does spring eternal, and deciding "I don't have parents anymore" is not a small flippant decision for most people, I'm just ridiculous. at that point it's a clash between readiness to let go and the pain it causes you keeping in touch, I guess. Just sorry your family is like this...
I'm very used to hating people's parents to death, so that doesn't surprise me
If I had 100 yen for every time I have said to someone "god I fuckin hate your parents they don't deserve you" etc, lol
I mean hey if dad wants to do a little
as a treat, that'd be one way to redeem himself I guess :^)
Oh shit, yeah that fuckin sucks. Need some kind of PO box or something, it's shit having stuff get sent to the address of people you hate. Could be worth calling whatever loan place and asking them not to mail there at least? I know how that is though, pretty sure I still have random mail going to my mother sometimes. I hope this type of thing goes better in the future for you
Good, glad to hear it!!!
and best of luck with the rest of this week & weekend y'know.
spoiler
I can deeply empathize with shitty transphobic family members. I'm sorry Seryph :( I hope you get as much space from them as possible::: spoiler spoiler I'm too cowardly and emotional to fully cut him off right now, cutting off mother was already a lot with how often I miss her despite her being so shitty to me so often. Plus right now I can't cut him off anyways since he's been paying my phone which I otherwise wouldn't be able to afford alongside rent and tuition. But you're right, I should get a bit more space when I feel I can.
:meow-hug: Being dependent is really hard. I hope you are able to get that space soon.
spoiler
I wouldn't call that cowardly. sounds like there's a lot to consider right now and you're doing your best in a complicated situationspoiler
Of course, I should give myself more grace regarding this instead of falling into my usual self-loathing to cope.Thank you by the way, Yor, I really appreciate all the kind replies you've given me over the months since that first time I came in with the excited news about getting HRT soon. You're very good at just diving to the heart of it in a nicely soft but succinct way that's often quite helpful. ๐
spoiler
it's no problem at allDo you think so? I guess that is a good way to put it though, especially considering the violence did already occur by kicking me out before I was prepared.
That makes more sense, gonna have to let this stew for a bit, thank you.
I didn't
That really sucks :/ I'm sorry Seryph. I think everyone here who has had to deal with transphobic parents feels this.. hoping you can get your head showered from them
It seems to be taking me a bit unfortunately, but it has gotten marginally better during work today.