The Onion

(Sevastopol, Ukraine) As the Fed watches carefully for signs of inflation and unions continue to fight for higher wages, the US economy has seen a new face on the hiring line - russian agents are actively calling for US workers in temporary positions, as many as 400,000.

Representatives for Worksource, Insight, ShortStaf, and many other hiring agencies around the US have been contacted to fill the order, and economists predict the pressure to fill these positions will be felt among competitors trying to fill minimum wage openings. Russia, not usually seen as a hiring choice in America, seems eager to fill positions (at minimum wage), offering free uniforms, short training periods before full employment, and lifetime health coverage for many positions. Fast food chains and other low wage employers are feeling the competition already.

“This is exciting,” said 63 year-old Peggy Bammer, of Tuscaloosa. “I’ve been stuck working at the Penny Mart for three years, I ain’t never had benefits. These russian guys say as long as I follow orders, I can probably work there the rest of my life. They were nice, they kind of laughed when I said I wasn’t used to seeing much snow [Ed. - referring to the Jan 2025 show storms in the SouthEast]. I can’t wait to see the front positions they keep referring to.”

Opposition is light among those normally hostile to russia in the US, too. As one policy expert stated, “I see this as a net win, as long as those who carefully examine the offer decide if they really want to take it. But if you believe this is for you, please go. This could lead to a strong demographic swing in the US… because these people will be so thoroughly taken care of, I mean.”

Elon Musk will finally achieve his dream of people liking him, after President Trump made it a criminal offence not to, in an executive order signed today.

In what is believed to be a quid pro quo for over US$270 million in campaign donations, the executive order will also require Americans to laugh at Elon Musk’s jokes, a harsh stipulation which some experts say may contravene human rights.

cross-posted from: https://feddit.org/post/7099527

Paukenschlag: USA treten aus der Erde aus!

(Fort Worth, Texas) On a day where hundreds of criminals have been given a free pass, one imprisoned conservative law-breaker, Joe Exotic, is hoping to also cash in on the new president’s sweeping clemency with a request of his own. Exotic, who was convicted of multiple attempts of murder-for-hire against his fellow tiger “conservator” Carol Baskins, has a message for president trump: free me, and I will immediately attack the foundations of democracy.

The pledge is drawing mixed reviews from his fellow republicans. “I don’t think you can just promise to attack democracy and get a pass,” said Lowby Prucker, a self-proclaimed republican activist. “These men… and maybe women, I don’t keep track of that… they already stood up and said ‘no’ when America tried to follow the constitution [on January 6th]. They risked getting arrested and went to jail. Now that everybody knows there’s no consequences, of course some people will claim they’ll do it.”

“Maybe if he said he’d ride a tiger into congress,” he added. “That would be pretty sweet.”

That sentiment was shared by republican lawmakers as well. “Now that Lowby mentioned it on his podcast, I think a tiger on the capital steps would be awesome,” said one GOP lawmaker who requested not to be named. “Letting an out-of-control creature loose in government is very on-message for our plans for the next 4 years. However, I don’t think trump will go for it… I mean maybe if it chases Nancy Pelosi… but trump is as likely to pardon the tiger as Joe. Also, Joe Exotic and Joe Biden have the same first name. You have to be around trump to understand why that’s a bad thing.”

Law scholars agree that with this being a Federal conviction, the ball rests squarely in trump’s hands. But as of Wednesday, Exotic remains caged like a… man that likes tigers.