The Onion

Thanks, Onion, that does make me feel better.

I’m torn. Both Galadriel and Sauron say the other is a threat to Middle-earth. One has to be wrong, so whom am I to trust? Should I trust the Dark Lord who attempted to topple the White City of Gondor, dominate all life, and attempt to stay in power for eternity? Or do I trust the Elf Queen representing the coalition of Men and Elves who defeated Sauron when he tried to enslave the Free Peoples… but could maybe do more meet-and-greets?

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/26658087

Automaker's latest subscription model takes nickel-and-diming to new heights

The 2024 presidential election is on track to be the most expensive race in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the spending. 

3: People wealthy enough to just straight-up decide election

$2.5 million: Cost of poll showing rural voters leaning red

14: Homeless people that could be provided with their very own F-22 Raptor fighter jet instead

23: Local TV stations living high on the hog right now

18 months: Age at which a PAC fully matures into Super PAC

**$7,000: **Daily rate for voice actor who can say “inflation” in really scary way

$17: Total campaign spending in Wyoming

$112: Tim Walz’s first pair of dress shoes

3%: Cash back in campaign spending you can earn with the Campaign Premiere Mastercard

**12: **Items remaining on Harris’s Amazon wishlist

**2: **Undecided voters that won’t know until another billion spent

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/26437692

Former President Donald Trump suggested that migrants have “bad genes” while criticizing Vice President Kamala Harris for her policies on the southern border, claiming that many immigrants have a genetic predisposition for murder. What do you think?

“I heard that 100% of illegal immigrants bring DNA with them.”

Janeen Fry, Loafer Shiner

“Still, it was nice of him to consider them human.”

Mitchell Slota, Carbon Reducer

“Just the kind of ignorant statement I’d expect from someone of Bavarian breeding stock.”

Jesus Alonso, Keyboard Optimizer