orshelack

I was supposed to get a ride to the food bank yesterday but my mom decided she didn't feel like going on the day she was scheduled to leave for a month to visit her sister. I hate relying on her at all but I don't really have any other options. I'm also behind on my phone bill because she insisted that I pay her for previous trips, otherwise she wouldn't have any money to spend on her trip.

Phone bill is $80, I've used what I had left from my paycheck to get bus fare to & from work and a couple meals worth of food, but I'm almost through that.

Anything is appreciated, hopefully I can hang onto this job until it picks up. Thanks in advance.

Parents raised me to help them with my younger sister, continually told me I wasn't doing "enough" or that what I did wasn't good, then all three proceeded to act befuddled when I hit puberty and developed a deep depression, despite knowing that my best friend died in 7th grade. They then proceed to treat me like I'm a fucking albatross around their neck, and proceed to blame me for them getting divorced, the family falling apart, having to move, etc. Now my sister and dad won't have anything to do with me because I came out as trans, and my mom acts like her occasional help with food and bills makes up for her hitting me and yelling at me as a child.

So I'm stuck in this headspace where my own internal monologue is largely just telling me that I am worthless, that i need to be physically punished, and that I only bring those around me down until they get away from me. So I hit myself and curse myself for not being able to follow through on past suicide attempts. I tell my partner she should leave while she can, that I'll only make things worse. I can't even get out of my head enough to do much more than sleep, eat, and bathe.

I hate that I was taught these things. I hate that I can't seem to unlearn it. I hate that it's in my head constantly, and that it only stops if I hurt myself enough. I hate that I'm incapable of accepting compliments. I hate that I've finally got someone in my life i can tell this stuff to, and yet all i do is use it to make her worry and become more distant. I hate that I'm so afraid of being abandoned that I push everyone away and act aloof so that I don't feel comfortable with them. I hate that I'm not sure if I should be transitioning or if I just hate my old self so much I saw it as a potential way out. I hate that all the ideals and plans I had at the start of transition have turned into nothing but ashes in my mouth. I hate how nice I am, how I'm always willing to do whatever just for a little attention. I hate that I'm so eager to try to take care of others when I can barely take care of myself.

I've been through a lot of therapists and medications. Nothing sticks or seems to work, and practically every therapist has the same response of "gee that seems rough, hope things will get better soon!"

I just want it to all be over, and I'm having trouble seeing a way out or through it that isn't the end of my life. Not that I'm going to do that, after the failed hanging I gave up trying that. Too afraid of failing and ending up hospitalized or institutionalized or something.

Started a new job, but I'm still training and the first paycheck was only my first couple days, so I couldn't cover the entire phone bill. Need to get it covered by the end of tomorrow (12th). Any help is appreciated, message for info, I can do cashapp, venmo, paypal, or zelle.

Thanks!

Even after several days of antibiotics and I.V. fluids and appetite stimulants, Dottie isn't doing well. She can barely move, and won't bother to eat or drink even if it's right next to her.

We don't want her to suffer, but euthanasia is apparently something we have to set up an appointment for, and pay extra to get the body disposed of afterwards. We're barely holding on ourselves, this has us so dissociative that we aren't eating either.

The cheapest we can find is asking $300 for euthanasia and cremation. Anything helps. Thanks.

Hey y'all. I have a cat that I adopted late last year. Dottie. She's about 11 or 12, so older. Lately she's been eating less and less, and over the weekend that dropped to almost nothing. She needs a vet visit badly. The only vet that would see me on short notice has an $85 fee to see her, plus whatever they decide is necessary for treatment. I have nothing to my name right now, and if they refuse to see her for lack of payment I'm kinda just gonna probably have to watch her waste away and hope she recovers [i know enough about cat health to know that's not likely here] I'm really, really not a huge fan of that prospect, so i'm reaching out for help.

paypal is my username at gmail.com

anything would be welcome and very appreciated

UPDATE

Got her to the vet. I had to accept $700 and change of care, and my ability to pay a fraction of that led to some decently substantial humiliation and embarrassment on my part. They ended up docking some of what they were going to bill, and pointed me to some charities, but I was not able to secure her medication or anything but some fluids to give her.

Her diagnosis is an acute, serious UTI and kidney function is currently impacted. If I can raise the money for the medication, I can get that tomorrow or whenever the money is there. If not, I kind of... just have to get ready to say bye, which is a possibility anyway.

I want to give her the chance to live. I'd like to keep asking for help, but that's a lot. I'll leave this open if anybody wants to keep donating, you'll be helping my cat have the best chance she's got if you do; but I also don't have any real sense of the likelihood of success here, and I'm trying to prepare for the worst.

Getting my meds refilled, most of them are covered by Medicaid but go figure the ones that actually help me feel like life is worth continuing with have costs not entirely covered. It's mostly the ADHD meds, finally found something that works for me so of course it's being held hostage by greedy fucks. If I can raise about $85 in total, I can get another month of being able to focus without breaking down too much, so any help is greatly appreciated. Apparently posting my details is a no-go now, so if you're able to contribute to this, let me know via private message. Thanks to everyone, from the readers to the bumpers to the donaters.

Edit: $40 out of $85 raised, will check/bump in the morning with cat pics.

41 y/o nonbinary trans woman, living in King County WA. Autistic, ADHD, depression, C-PTSD.

I'm currently enrolled in school, getting a massage therapy license. I've got about a month left, and I've run into a wall. I had a job at a local cafe working in the kitchen when I started, but I got fired from that in the end of October because "we aren't making ends meet." I picked up a job working in the school library for a while, but got let go from that a couple months ago because they hired too many students and I "wasn't being proactive enough in approaching others and asking for tasks", which they never mentioned before the day they let me go. To make matters worse, that last kitchen job decided to fight my unemployment claim a couple months after I had been receiving it, so now I'm expected to pay that back. It's also messed with my ability to get EBT or other state services, as that job and a couple others I got via temp agencies have me listed as still working for them, and they refuse to fill out or return stop work forms, despite multiple attempts to get them to do so.

I don't drive, so the distance I can travel for work is somewhat limited, and even making sure not to mention that to potential jobs, I haven't been able to find anything else. I've only been able to travel because I was lucky enough to get an "essential services" subsidized bus pass back when I was working in a kitchen during Covid, but that expires the end of this month. I've been volunteering at local food banks, shelters, and kitchens when I can fit it into my schedule.

I've been able to scrape by just barely through donations and food bank visits, but things have been adding up. I'm just finding out it could take as long as 2-3 months after graduation to get my license to be able to practice massage. I need 2-3 different kinds of insurance depending on where & how I work. Working massage out of the home has some ridiculous requirements Not to mention there are a lot of sketchy employers in this industry. Which I guess is true of most industries, but this one has some real gems in the "sleaze" and "you do most of the work for minimal pay" categories. Worst case scenario, I fall back on the culinary training and take another kitchen job while working on building a client list, although I've been looking for those jobs as well, and most won't even contact me back because I can't handle a full-time job and school. Either way, I'm trying to hold onto what hope I have left that something will work out in the next few months and I'll be able to at least scrape by without making these kinds of posts.

Current situation looks like this:

-$45 in the bank (no overdraft charges until -$50 or more, but they started charging $12/month again since I'm not getting direct deposit paychecks)

$80 for phone bill (12th)

~$110 month for electric (behind 2 months)

~$90 month internet (behind 2 months) (fuck Comcast)

~$120 for monthly bus pass (applied for reduced fare, may be cheaper)

~$50 monthly for meds (Medicaid covers most of the HRT essentials, but not progesterone or anti-androgens outside of spiro)

owe ~$1,200 to unemployment (They want ~$110 a month, but I don't mind skipping this for now, as long as they don't put out a warrant for me, I've got no wages to garnish, and would pay the installments once I'm working.)

School costs are taken care of, outside of the transportation. There's a bunch of debt there too, but it doesn't start getting interest for a few years.

Housing costs are thankfully covered by an ally who had a condo they weren't living in any more. We try to pay him at least a couple hundred a month to cover costs, and agreed on $600 a month when we were working, but he's got a decent income and has been understanding thus far.(I don't know what I'd do if I was truly homeless again.)

I don't have many friends, most in similar situations of barely getting by, and my family has dropped most contact with me since I started transition, except to try to convince me to stop. Not that they would offer any more support then, it's just what they want.

This is getting pretty lengthy even for me, someone with a strong urge to explain everything in exacting detail and rant about the frustrations involved with just trying to get by. But I'd be happy to share more if asked. I always think my stories are boring or mundane, but my life has been anything but typical, whatever that is, so maybe there's more interesting things there than I realize. I'd also be willing to provide massages for anyone who might be local to me, free of charge since I can't be paid for massage without a license.

My PayPal/Venmo/Cashapp is the same as my screen name here. If you have other methods you prefer to use, let me know. Even small donations help offset debt and costs of food and travel.

Thanks in advance to anyone who actually reads this. Even advice and good vibes are appreciated. Much love to all my comrades, keep fighting where you can in whatever way you can.