You talk too much
You talk about weird stuff
You talk too loud
You talk too fast
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raises hand
I may be obnoxious on Hexbear, but you guys see a side of me I keep hidden from most people
Unfortunately I've recently started being medicated for ADHD and while holy shit it has changed my life for the better, it's also removed a lot of my filter, so I'm having to learn to be comfortable with being myself and not everyone liking that
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Fucking me, people first meeting me think I'm quiet and reserved but if I feel comfortable around you I'll never shut up.
Also convinced that I'm undiagnosed autistic so that may be connected, I learned early on not everyone is as enthusiastic about specific topics as me
Me at work when the NTs insist I need to come out of my shell and I tell them they don’t want me out of my shell. I learned and continue to learn the hard way that most people will legitimately despise you over nothing then make it their lives goal to ruin yours.
I get ridiculed for being flat and unhelpful as well but I literally don’t know how to play the game they play.
I dont get the chance to talk that often so when it does I machinery takes so long to warm up the opportunity passes before I open my mouth.
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I talk inwardly mostly, I have most outward want driven out. I am selective
I think im ok at reading people despite my schizophrenia.
I generally just try to find some form of common ground with people that allows some form of bonding. I dont need to love the topic or be super into it mind you.
My only problem is I tend to overshare and I need to be more careful with whom I share truths. I dont mind lying to be honest but I do find it a bit of a shame that honesty can often be a drawback.
Real, still struggling, even right now~!
Very emotional vent
It's tough having learnt instincts to not reach out so you basically become the silent invisible one that only shows up when something that required someone showed up. Like, when I was in highschool, there was tons of group projects and partner activities that I was just dragged to by whoever was closest to me (sometimes it was a friend, but they too departed from me once they found more neurotypical people) and when eventually, people just.. stop talking to me, or I'm unable to keep a conversation going they just... go.
Like, even now, but especially before, a liberal atmosphere permeates, in the sense that they hold both progressive opinions (anti-corruption, somewhat acceptant of LGBTQIA+) but also conservative opinions (certain internet culture, politics) that make someone like me, who would be the type to logically analyze a situation and provide both a 'this is from my logical thinking' side and 'here's what I found curious / emotionally driving' side.
I.. realized that I couldn't contribute to anyone's issues emotionally because I had plenty and I couldn't.. say any of it because I prioritised their lives over mine. So, I stuck to being logical, but it gets tiring, and so after years of unstable and insecure relationships and total alienation from the education system as an undiagnosed something, by the end, I didn't feel connected to that school, nor it's students, and I moved on with many many regrets.
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Real
Too real
Ugh, thanks for the elementary school flashbacks.
Nah, for me I genuinely dislike talking and listening to people talk. Fundamentally, live speech is completely sequential, and this does not jive with my thought process at all. It does not offer a means of parallelism since each segment of time has to be reserved for exactly one morpheme. This is not true for writing since there's nothing stopping you from skipping around or even recorded speech since you could always play around with channels. And those are, of course, vastly inferior to diagrams like flow charts, schematics, graphs, and so on.
Was just thinking about how I haven't spoken to anyone at all today. Good thing I now have a partner who I can go home to and is as autistic as I am.
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