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submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

And so, the time came to finally write my tranniversary mega. I had scheduled MONTHS in advance, in anticipation of making a post celebrating a year of being out as a trans person, celebrating the onset of Pride Month (which should be every month but June is also peak egg cracking season trans-hatch), and going over all of the major things that have happened in the past year. I go to write it a few days before, which says a lot, and… I don’t know what to say. A lot of things ended up happening that make this a different kind of post? I haven’t really been on this bear site in a bit, my mental health took a really horrible turn, I had been burning out for months, and to be honest I’m still recovering. The semester is finally over, and I’m still somewhat volatile, especially in terms of my anxiety. Like, existentially bad. There were also aspects of the site that compounded on issues I was having, and the enjoyment was vanishing, so I decided to take my leave. I did end up staying in tracha by the way, highly recommend joining if you haven’t already. Element has many wonderful tools to help with the anxiety that could come with a chatroom, and I know anxiety quite well 😅. Notifications are easy to disable, or enable if need be, I still get DM notifications. Was also able to turn off my read receipts, which was a huge cause of anxiety for me, it takes a lot less energy to lurk, and now I don’t feel a lingering obligation to say something. I’m getting sidetracked at this point, I don’t want to make the intro longer than the rest of the post, so let’s just get into it.

Part 1: Her/Kit's TranniversaryThis place, this site, certainly helped to crack my egg. It’s what got me to create an account in the first place. I had lurked for a bit, maybe a while, on and off. The kind of thing where I wasn’t in the community, but was still looking at memes and news. Starting to notice the community is when I noticed the quantity of trans people on the site, which was of course very cool. It still is. And hearing others speak of their experiences had me intrigued, in the way that trans-related things did, in the way that it all made me feel uncomfortable at the same time. I felt bad about this, despite knowing it wasn’t from a place of fear or hatred of others, but myself. Seeing people existing in that way, talking about their experiences, making internet posts and memes, made me start thinking about myself, and what I wanted, and that traditionally (and even today) doesn’t go well for me. Defense mechanisms kicked in hard, and so I continued drifting and not knowing why, always getting that funny feeling when those topics came up. It was the constant reminder that this site gave me that got me to start thinking, and many people talked about their feelings, their transitions, their experiences (again, yea this is a big one). They sounded so happy, and I wanted to be happy like that, but that did that mean? Was I really trans? And boom, that’s where the trans mega comes in. Taking in more and more, relating to more and more experiences, hearing people talk about HRT, and my egg was on its way out. At first I felt foreign, like a stalker. I didn’t feel real, I didn’t belong, but at the same time, I wanted this more and more. There were surely negative experiences talked about, but the rose-tinted glasses were on, and I saw what I needed to see. As such I created an account, to get to be apart of the community, yes, but also to start asking questions, start talking to people. I created an account, and in still half in hiding half in denial, I made my PFP an anime girl and I used they/them pronouns “for opsec”. The account is long gone, but she/her pronouns were added pretty quickly, then removed for a bit I think, and then added again. I never stopped using them after that (note: gender kind of messed me up for a while, I ran “any” for a bit). From there it was the Luna account, and then, well, me.

What if HRT could improve my voice? Save my hair? I started asking myself many things that started as soon as I heard that HRT was more than just for feels. I didn’t even have a strong grasp of what it was, let alone what it did. I started researching, spending a lot of time researching, not just HRT but trans feelings, experiences, things I would have never said I felt but buried inside? Always there. I excel at burying my thoughts and feelings, so it really was just one more thing. Still working on this today, for what it’s worth, but I like to think I’ve made major progress at this point. Anyways, eventually HRT became the kind of thing where every change sounded good, except for one. The big one. Or should I say big ones? As much as the body could be changed, and made to more of my liking, once these grew in, they’d never leave. That’s right. Boobs. I had major anxiety over them, didn’t know if I wanted them, even. At the time I was still thinking I would be more nonbinary, femboy adjacent maybe. What if I don’t like them? I don’t think I would, and I want to be able to make that choice, have more control over it. So I looked in to SERMs, and after seeing the side effects I decided against it. Not for a lack of looking into it, but there really isn’t a lot of research on them, and so I decided if I was going to start HRT I was going to have to go “all in”. A bit of a time skip, but a few weeks into starting HRT, I was lying on my chest and it felt sore, hurt decently bad. Wondered if it was my shitty lungs again, but it hurt more than straining to breathe. In two areas, to be specific. To this day it was a huge euphoria hit, and from that moment I’ve wanted them as big as I can get them. I say “prog save me” on the regular, and in a more present note, I’m hoping to start in a few days!!!

It was after confirming I wanted HRT, and also had dysphoria, that I admitted to myself that I was trans. I still felt fake, not real, lesser than, and was still figuring out how exactly I was trans, but I was there for sure. A few weeks later, and I started journaling, at first just gender thoughts, but expanding to my whole life. I’ve been doing so for a year as of May 19th, which also means we’re moving fast from here. I didn’t think I would though, the entire point of the journal was to put my thoughts somewhere, because I planned to hide until I changed my living situation. Safe to say the plan was to wait a while, as I planned on remaining in that situation until I completed my education. Luckily, this didn’t last. My mom started catching on too quickly, in other words, I failed to hide it well. I couldn’t at this point, I had to try everything. Getting cuter shoes when I needed shoes again, shaving more often, shaving my legs. It is a huge autism moment, but when she told me about HRT like I didn’t know anything, I went into an infodump about HRT and SERMs. Yep, I’m trans, ma. I had a feeling at least she would be accepting, for the most part. This was 6 days into the journal lol, no time at all. And on this day one year ago, I would come out to the rest of my immediate family, who all took it quite well. It’s pretty great, they love me lots, although my one gripe is when they try to explain gender or sexuality to me. Is there a word for this kind of “mansplaining”, because I need it.

The speed of which I would go about things increased. I had an appointment for informed consent HRT scheduled just two days later, and a little less than a week after that I was on HRT. From there it’s just been my activity on this site. Learning more, talking to so many nice people, and getting to know some amazing people. Spending a lot of time on the gender carousel, hopping off, getting back on, hopping off (it was a wild ride, although I lied when I said it was fun it hurt like hell). Changing genders like I had to change batteries, questioning my sexuality to an obsessive degree (well I did for gender too). Making memes, shitposting, talking life, and many, many vents. It’s been, despite all the turmoil that came with it, my self-ravaging crises, and all of the pain, one of the best years of my life. There was pain, but there were so many happy moments as well, wonderful moments I hadn’t had anything like in such a long long time. Rather than just having horrible depression, I now have significantly less depression, so much less hopelessness, and a much better grasp of control of my own life (although, still working on that too). My anxiety has gotten a whole lot worse, but that’s because I have something to lose, so many somethings. I fear so much, let so much eat away at me, because I actually care now. I want to know who I am, I want to know what I want, and I want to get to know people, live life, leave my little bubble that I’ve been stuck in for as long as I can remember. I’ve made a prison for myself, and I’ve not even worked my way out yet, but the bars have come down. I’m no longer in the cell, and that is a wonderful thing. I care for people so much more now just as a product of caring more about things now. I already cared a lot about people and life as a concept, it’s what radicalized me, but caring for everything else managed to boost that even more. For the people I care about, I care so much. I fear losing them, so much. I probably don’t have much reason to worry, but since when has anxiety been one for reason? Don’t worry, I’m working on it :>

What else to say? Not sure, to be honest. Life moves on, transition keeps going, and I hope my second year is even better than my first! Meeting trans people has been wonderful. Not in real life, community is dead where I live, trust me, I’ve tried, but people on the mega and tracha! You’ve all talked to me in various degrees, but it’s been wonderful talking to all of you. Thanks for reinforcing the fact that trans people do, in fact exist, in a world where I can count the number of trans people I have seen and know offline to varying degrees on my fingers. Going to hope that I can find some stuff to attend and some people to meet this pride month. I only hope to whatever higher power may or may not exist that their sole method of communication is not fucking discord (or instagram, snapchat, etc. for that matter, but I know people fucking love discord and I hate it with a passion. You may say this isn’t relevant, to which I will say, fuck discord.

Part 2: Monster HunterSo you’re probably wondering what in the world the thumbnail is. Let your eyes be blessed by such a holy sight. You witness the Switch Axe, arguably the best weapon in indie studio Capcom’s only hit (and a mediocre one at best), Monster Hunter World. Want to be an axe lesbian AND a sword lesbian? Want to find genderfluid representation in an inanimate object? Just otherwise hate making choices? Just use Switch Axe, it’s both an axe and a sword!!!

I mean, the insect glaive is also pretty nice, and I do like a lot of the weapons, bit aside. As of late, I’ve put Fire Emblem down in exchange for Xenoblade X and the topic of this part of the post, Monster Hunter. Yes, me, the person who has made multiple megathread posts on Fire Emblem has not touched it in months. I am thinking of running an Enbarr Edition (woke mod) playthrough of Crimson Flower though, so I might be back on FE soon, but for now we’re talking Monster Hunter. Oh, and I’m not getting technical. I do not know much about this game, I just know that it’s fun and I want to share some of why that is! I’m not an expert, I could be wrong on some technical things, and yes I am a poser and started with Rise and World… a couple months after Wilds came out. Truly ahead of the curve.

Monster Hunter is an action RPG developed by... you know what, no. Monster Hunter is a fun game where you hunt big monsters. There are many weapons to choose from, the best of which are Insect Glaive and Switch Axe, sorry to the one Gunlance fan lol I feel bad (/j, all weapons are good) and they all play so differently that changing weapons is such a fresh experience every time. Each weapon has so much to it, so many layers, that many players pick one and stick with it like they’re picking a main in a hero shooter. That’s not even mentioning the monsters. I’ve still barely learned what they all do, because they all feel so different. I know what to expect with some of them, but went and fought some I haven’t done in a while and I’m getting my ass kicked, which is of course the authentic Monster Hunter experience.

Character customization (and feline/canine customization!) is very fun, I had a good amount of hours in the character creators alone. So much to choose from, and there wasn’t free changing at the time (mods my beloved) so I really wanted to make it count. Made designs I liked and then stuck with them, haven’t really changed much. Same with XCX, even with the option to change, and hating having to make a permanent decision, I grow attached to my characters, and then it looks weird when they look different. Although, I did turn them into foxgirls, because they are avatar characters and should be reflexive of the player. Inhales... eepawoo!

So many armors to choose from too! I’ll touch modding here as well, but I unlocked all of the cosmetic armors and it’s such fun dressing my character up! Right now, my character in world is running white hair and a pretty nice black coat, it’s giving more edgy, but I like it (also color matching for anything other than white is tough with the fox stuff on world, so sad). On Rise, I have more of a red theme going on, and although nothing is consistent, running full Mizutsune gear is what I’m doing now, and it’s quite fun! Yeah, that too, a lot if not all of the monsters have their own armor sets, as well as their own cosmetic armor sets, and some have multiple! Customizing to your hearts content is key to the authentic Monster Hunter experience. I’ve also added many other mods, mostly QoL but also some fun stuff. None of it is really game-breaking, but I could if I want to, and that’s powerful, but it’s also nice to be able to tweak the game to however I want to enjoy it!

They also look soooooo good. Rise has it’s charm, especially considering it was made for the Nintendo Switch, but World, oh my gosh. Extremely good looking game. Between that and Xenoblade X I have been spoiled for visuals as of late. So atmospheric and immersive, and the environments are so dynamic, and World captures ecosystems so well. Maps are vast, have variety, have verticality, and even just walking around and exploring is such a treat. The fact that monsters can interact with the environment as well, from breakable objects to nests, is just absolutely wonderful.

There’s a whole lot more I could say, or I couldn’t, I can’t put it into words. Very fun experience, very fun playing with others (not randos I have social anxiety even online), and I got World and the DLC for like 16 USD so that was a huge win. So what are you waiting for? Go play Monster Hunter! Can’t play online for free, but getting it cheaper is a hell of a deal. I bring Xenoblade X up here as well, but these games are solidifying themselves in my top rankings, to be honest. Monster Hunter is a blast and I’ve gotten completely sucked in, and I do intend to play and finish Xenoblade X. It’s quite nice playing all of these new and amazing games :>

And that’s where I’ll leave all of you. I’ll interact with the mega this week, but then, I’m gone. I don’t think I’ll delete this account like I said, but I already unmodded from most places and am logging off. Maybe I’ll come back one day. Maybe I won’t. If I did, I’d happily step up and mod both this comm and the disabled comm again. We have plenty here, but I feel genuinely bad about leaving the disabled comm, and well, I hope that in the event I returned you’d all be happy to have me. Honestly if I had a way to isolate the two comms and be in them, I would o7. Not to shill tracha again, but that’s kind of what it is to me. Everyone I talk to on matrix (which is like one person consistently but brain please shush) is from tracha, and it really is a nice space, albeit one with varying degrees of activity but I’m not the one to complain, and so I'm not. Life is tough, energy is low, and I feel exactly the same way. I guess I keep bringing tracha up to drive home the fact that I’m not dropping off the face of the Earth. I’m still here, not cutting myself off and isolating myself, just trying to get a better hold of my anxieties and other mental stuff and my self. The various batteries of life drain fast, but I’ll keep going. I know many feel those drains too, but just keep going and take any time you may need!

Live as yourselves, strive to grow, stay curious, take that extra step for yourselves, and care for not just the other people in your lives, but yourselves as well. We deserve to live, and we deserve to be here, as ourselves, no matter what others might think or say or do.

May you all have a great week, and HAPPY PRIDE MONTH LET’S GO!!! trans-ferret

celebratory measuresbridget-vibe dancing-roach niko-dance lea-caramelldansen reisen-dance kris-dance susie-dance ralsei-dance snom torture-dance dubois-dance kitsuragi-dance


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(page 5) 50 comments
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[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago

I don't usually dysphoria post, but...

Yeah, let's keep that trend going lea-smug

spoiler spoiler The urge is strong, tho :::

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

more ranting about anxiety, burnout, etcmy therapist basically told me to take some sick days to help recover, and she recommended me a book on dealing with autistic burnout. I told her that I agree that not all sicknesses are visible, that the burnout I'm feeling is real and only solvable with time off to recover, and that I need more than one afternoon to do so, and that I shouldn't be using my vacation time to recover as I am sick.

But I also told her I wouldn't take sick days because I'm scared of taking too many and losing my job, and that the ingrained societal importance of "if you are physically capable of work you shouldn't take a sick day" is very strong and makes it difficult to take time off when I need to, and if I do take time off I should be miserable and not be doing things I enjoy.

But the nightmares continue. I lost a couple hours of sleep last night just to medical anxiety (Good news: looks like my breasts are growing again. Bad news: Part of my brain thinks I'm having a heart attack because chest soreness.). I had several nightmares. I went to bed early and woke up late and when I went to actually do work and think work thoughts my head started just spinning and I needed to sit down.

I was supposed to have a Hell Day today, a day every other Wednesday that is barely survivable because not only do I have to run a big planning meeting, but I have to be in two extremely high-masking meetings with both my boss alone and with a bunch of management. And yet I told myself I couldn't skip these because they're very important.

Also I guess if we're using the framing of high-masking being exhausting, I've had a number of those in the past week or two. One was a fucking disaster as the people running it have no idea what they're doing, so they spent 40 minutes grilling me extremely poorly, and the other was productive but included the most bazinga-ass temporarily embarrassed millionaire I've ever met, who I have to deal with occasionally. She is completely non-technical, doesn't know it, and is also quite slimy and it is a lot of work to be nice. I've been dealing with some shit that a bunch of non-technical people decided last week without us, and when I was openly saying this idea they had with no development oversight was a bad idea, she said "well we have to figure it out because that's what we're doing." Five minutes later when everyone else agreed with me she suddenly says "it was a tentative plan." Five minutes is too short a time for effective gaslighting, lady, what are you doing? I even confirmed it with other people that were there who said I'm not crazy lol.

If I were in my boss' place I wouldn't hesitate to reschedule the meeting with me and would be supportive of me taking some time off to recover. And yet I'm still terrified to do so.

The last month has been absolute hell for me. May was roof replacement month and the company was so disorganized and showed up at random times and worked late into the evening (830 PM most nights) because they were short-staffed. And it's still not done.

And this month there's a bunch of commitments and delayed and delayed releases that there's a lot of pressure on me to get out. Big cross-company code deploys that affect everything. I've had a running list of colour-coded problems we have to resolve that I've been updating every day as we get through stuff. It's good (and out of character for me) to be organized.

I miss the days when I could just work on some code, refactor some shit app, or even just do some little UI stuff. I'm not sure if anyone would hire me for a job like that anymore, I hear about how much HR pre-filters resumes without degrees (I don't have a degree). I also don't think I'd do well in an office every day, I never did before, I was okay in 2018 with my back to a wall and a bit of a barrier so I didn't feel like I had to mask so hard and I could focus on work, but open-offices are super exhausting since everyone is looking at you potentially from every angle. It makes it difficult to stim.

It did feel good when I finished up on Friday last week after a super stressful week. I got through everything I needed to do (and everything that was dropped on me at the last minute), it was stressful but when it was done I was happy. And when I'm not working I'm having fun playing modded Minecraft with my partners or watching shows and we like. I guess weekends and evenings are just not enough recovery time. I was hoping to make it to the week off I have coming up but it seems like I just can't.

My therapist says that I should look at ways to reorganize my work so that it isn't so taxing. I think the fact that I've named days like today Hell Day is indicative enough that maybe I should try to reschedule some things.

Also, re. the chest pain thing, I have had two chest x-rays in the past year, had multiple ECGs, and had an extremely skilled doctor examine me as well. A lot of that stuff was cuz I told my doctor my mom has a heart condition she needed surgery before to fix some problem (they had to cauterize a bunch of the electrical emitters since they were causing palpatations) and I wanted to start ADHD meds. I have another ECG planned (but that needs to be on a day off because it is 10/10 autistic torture) in a couple weeks. I don't think there's actually anything wrong with my heart at this point since all of that stuff came up mostly clean. I get pretty strong medical anxiety sometimes, so I'm chalking it up to that.

spoiler cw i talk about breast size quite frankly I'm happy with my breast size. I don't need more breasts. I just bought a new set of bras this year and I don't want to go up a size already. Switching to CPA has made them start growing again and at this point I'm having trouble with open sweaters because they will just kinda wrap around the breasts and make them look even bigger and at this rate I'm going to end up like my mom who got a breast reduction a few years back. At least I don't have back problems. I just wanted them to round out. I already can't wear most tops because they will either stretch or drape really unflatteringly.

I don't think about fashion much because I don't care for it, and I hate clothes shopping. I should be grateful for the large pair of gifts I have had bestowed upon me in the past 16 years or whatever, and I am, but I'm good where I'm at, despite my body having other ideas. :::

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago
[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago

Summer Gay Fest

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago

Hit the tops of my thighs with a trimmer and it was nice to feel them (relatively) smooth. Might see how far down I can push it so it's not too obvious when I'm wearing shorts

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago

happy pride month gang

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

part 1

I'll miss you but i accept it's for the best! Do whatever it takes to be healthy and happy. I hope you eventually come back, no pressure!

if you don't imma just say it now while i can: I'm proud of you! Good luck on your journey! koishi-wave

Your shoulders in my pocket

Speed dial no. 2

See you when I need you

See you when I do

-zero 7

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

What are the dumbest injuries y'all have ever gotten? Mine was pretty recent.

I cut myself because I was using my hand as a chopping board. Like, I held a piece of bread in my hand, then used my brand new bread knife to slice through the bread, and my hand in 1 swift motion.

Good to know that the bread knife works well though. And I do suppose that shedding your blood onto the body of christ (baguette) has to have some sort of symbolic implications. I even have the stigmata now (4 gashes from the serrated edges).

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[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Okay Final Fantasy Tactics remake announced, maybe this world is salvageable after all

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

Dreamt I queer dude was giving me life advice also someone was explaining to me the chaos before a revelation or more the precursors. Last one gave me hope.

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

Venture life, go get it, burn your dread 🎶

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

It's pride month, and yet, I don't feel very gay ...

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

Ah yes. I am, in fact, genderfluid. There are only two genders, though. AXE & SWORD!!! (cue doom guitars)

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[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago
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[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

i dont really like the vegetarian dumpling options at the store (theyre really watery and gross) so i think i want to make my own. idk how i'm going to freeze them without them sticking together though since i dont really get much space, but it's whatever.

cw discussion of eating meat and probably mild EDI would really like to go vegan, but I'm still learning how to deal with my dietary habits frankly. even normally there are times where i'll feel faint for a few days whenever i move around bc i'm not eating enough. but i've learned to love the bean at least which has done wonders for my budget. And realistically i've also cut out a ton of fast food, I think, even though i still kick myself every time i eat it. I feel like a child sometimes because of how much I struggle to eat vegetables, which is weird because i ate a lot of vegetables as a child with no issue. there was a brief moment in time recently where i was eating salad consistently.

spoiler complaining about being ND where no one can see had a whole thing written up that i'm just gonna save for my journal but damn i fucking hate dealing with my brain. :::

[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

talking about posture and body alignment stuff

Correcting my gait has been going well, feels like my entire hip/leg/ankle/foot system is cracking / popping and adjusting to being used effectively. I have been trying not to sit in a chair as much as possible, and as a result my pelvis feel less pain overall.

Working on keeping my ribs neutral which means keeping them stacked on my hips (no more sticking my glutes out all day) and not holding my stomach in.

Also learning not to pull my shoulders back, but my shoulder posture seems pretty decent overall.


[-] [email protected] 8 points 1 week ago

real Gs move in silence like SSDs

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this post was submitted on 02 Jun 2025
83 points (100.0% liked)

traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

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Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.

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