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submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

And so, the time came to finally write my tranniversary mega. I had scheduled MONTHS in advance, in anticipation of making a post celebrating a year of being out as a trans person, celebrating the onset of Pride Month (which should be every month but June is also peak egg cracking season trans-hatch), and going over all of the major things that have happened in the past year. I go to write it a few days before, which says a lot, and… I don’t know what to say. A lot of things ended up happening that make this a different kind of post? I haven’t really been on this bear site in a bit, my mental health took a really horrible turn, I had been burning out for months, and to be honest I’m still recovering. The semester is finally over, and I’m still somewhat volatile, especially in terms of my anxiety. Like, existentially bad. There were also aspects of the site that compounded on issues I was having, and the enjoyment was vanishing, so I decided to take my leave. I did end up staying in tracha by the way, highly recommend joining if you haven’t already. Element has many wonderful tools to help with the anxiety that could come with a chatroom, and I know anxiety quite well 😅. Notifications are easy to disable, or enable if need be, I still get DM notifications. Was also able to turn off my read receipts, which was a huge cause of anxiety for me, it takes a lot less energy to lurk, and now I don’t feel a lingering obligation to say something. I’m getting sidetracked at this point, I don’t want to make the intro longer than the rest of the post, so let’s just get into it.

Part 1: Her/Kit's TranniversaryThis place, this site, certainly helped to crack my egg. It’s what got me to create an account in the first place. I had lurked for a bit, maybe a while, on and off. The kind of thing where I wasn’t in the community, but was still looking at memes and news. Starting to notice the community is when I noticed the quantity of trans people on the site, which was of course very cool. It still is. And hearing others speak of their experiences had me intrigued, in the way that trans-related things did, in the way that it all made me feel uncomfortable at the same time. I felt bad about this, despite knowing it wasn’t from a place of fear or hatred of others, but myself. Seeing people existing in that way, talking about their experiences, making internet posts and memes, made me start thinking about myself, and what I wanted, and that traditionally (and even today) doesn’t go well for me. Defense mechanisms kicked in hard, and so I continued drifting and not knowing why, always getting that funny feeling when those topics came up. It was the constant reminder that this site gave me that got me to start thinking, and many people talked about their feelings, their transitions, their experiences (again, yea this is a big one). They sounded so happy, and I wanted to be happy like that, but that did that mean? Was I really trans? And boom, that’s where the trans mega comes in. Taking in more and more, relating to more and more experiences, hearing people talk about HRT, and my egg was on its way out. At first I felt foreign, like a stalker. I didn’t feel real, I didn’t belong, but at the same time, I wanted this more and more. There were surely negative experiences talked about, but the rose-tinted glasses were on, and I saw what I needed to see. As such I created an account, to get to be apart of the community, yes, but also to start asking questions, start talking to people. I created an account, and in still half in hiding half in denial, I made my PFP an anime girl and I used they/them pronouns “for opsec”. The account is long gone, but she/her pronouns were added pretty quickly, then removed for a bit I think, and then added again. I never stopped using them after that (note: gender kind of messed me up for a while, I ran “any” for a bit). From there it was the Luna account, and then, well, me.

What if HRT could improve my voice? Save my hair? I started asking myself many things that started as soon as I heard that HRT was more than just for feels. I didn’t even have a strong grasp of what it was, let alone what it did. I started researching, spending a lot of time researching, not just HRT but trans feelings, experiences, things I would have never said I felt but buried inside? Always there. I excel at burying my thoughts and feelings, so it really was just one more thing. Still working on this today, for what it’s worth, but I like to think I’ve made major progress at this point. Anyways, eventually HRT became the kind of thing where every change sounded good, except for one. The big one. Or should I say big ones? As much as the body could be changed, and made to more of my liking, once these grew in, they’d never leave. That’s right. Boobs. I had major anxiety over them, didn’t know if I wanted them, even. At the time I was still thinking I would be more nonbinary, femboy adjacent maybe. What if I don’t like them? I don’t think I would, and I want to be able to make that choice, have more control over it. So I looked in to SERMs, and after seeing the side effects I decided against it. Not for a lack of looking into it, but there really isn’t a lot of research on them, and so I decided if I was going to start HRT I was going to have to go “all in”. A bit of a time skip, but a few weeks into starting HRT, I was lying on my chest and it felt sore, hurt decently bad. Wondered if it was my shitty lungs again, but it hurt more than straining to breathe. In two areas, to be specific. To this day it was a huge euphoria hit, and from that moment I’ve wanted them as big as I can get them. I say “prog save me” on the regular, and in a more present note, I’m hoping to start in a few days!!!

It was after confirming I wanted HRT, and also had dysphoria, that I admitted to myself that I was trans. I still felt fake, not real, lesser than, and was still figuring out how exactly I was trans, but I was there for sure. A few weeks later, and I started journaling, at first just gender thoughts, but expanding to my whole life. I’ve been doing so for a year as of May 19th, which also means we’re moving fast from here. I didn’t think I would though, the entire point of the journal was to put my thoughts somewhere, because I planned to hide until I changed my living situation. Safe to say the plan was to wait a while, as I planned on remaining in that situation until I completed my education. Luckily, this didn’t last. My mom started catching on too quickly, in other words, I failed to hide it well. I couldn’t at this point, I had to try everything. Getting cuter shoes when I needed shoes again, shaving more often, shaving my legs. It is a huge autism moment, but when she told me about HRT like I didn’t know anything, I went into an infodump about HRT and SERMs. Yep, I’m trans, ma. I had a feeling at least she would be accepting, for the most part. This was 6 days into the journal lol, no time at all. And on this day one year ago, I would come out to the rest of my immediate family, who all took it quite well. It’s pretty great, they love me lots, although my one gripe is when they try to explain gender or sexuality to me. Is there a word for this kind of “mansplaining”, because I need it.

The speed of which I would go about things increased. I had an appointment for informed consent HRT scheduled just two days later, and a little less than a week after that I was on HRT. From there it’s just been my activity on this site. Learning more, talking to so many nice people, and getting to know some amazing people. Spending a lot of time on the gender carousel, hopping off, getting back on, hopping off (it was a wild ride, although I lied when I said it was fun it hurt like hell). Changing genders like I had to change batteries, questioning my sexuality to an obsessive degree (well I did for gender too). Making memes, shitposting, talking life, and many, many vents. It’s been, despite all the turmoil that came with it, my self-ravaging crises, and all of the pain, one of the best years of my life. There was pain, but there were so many happy moments as well, wonderful moments I hadn’t had anything like in such a long long time. Rather than just having horrible depression, I now have significantly less depression, so much less hopelessness, and a much better grasp of control of my own life (although, still working on that too). My anxiety has gotten a whole lot worse, but that’s because I have something to lose, so many somethings. I fear so much, let so much eat away at me, because I actually care now. I want to know who I am, I want to know what I want, and I want to get to know people, live life, leave my little bubble that I’ve been stuck in for as long as I can remember. I’ve made a prison for myself, and I’ve not even worked my way out yet, but the bars have come down. I’m no longer in the cell, and that is a wonderful thing. I care for people so much more now just as a product of caring more about things now. I already cared a lot about people and life as a concept, it’s what radicalized me, but caring for everything else managed to boost that even more. For the people I care about, I care so much. I fear losing them, so much. I probably don’t have much reason to worry, but since when has anxiety been one for reason? Don’t worry, I’m working on it :>

What else to say? Not sure, to be honest. Life moves on, transition keeps going, and I hope my second year is even better than my first! Meeting trans people has been wonderful. Not in real life, community is dead where I live, trust me, I’ve tried, but people on the mega and tracha! You’ve all talked to me in various degrees, but it’s been wonderful talking to all of you. Thanks for reinforcing the fact that trans people do, in fact exist, in a world where I can count the number of trans people I have seen and know offline to varying degrees on my fingers. Going to hope that I can find some stuff to attend and some people to meet this pride month. I only hope to whatever higher power may or may not exist that their sole method of communication is not fucking discord (or instagram, snapchat, etc. for that matter, but I know people fucking love discord and I hate it with a passion. You may say this isn’t relevant, to which I will say, fuck discord.

Part 2: Monster HunterSo you’re probably wondering what in the world the thumbnail is. Let your eyes be blessed by such a holy sight. You witness the Switch Axe, arguably the best weapon in indie studio Capcom’s only hit (and a mediocre one at best), Monster Hunter World. Want to be an axe lesbian AND a sword lesbian? Want to find genderfluid representation in an inanimate object? Just otherwise hate making choices? Just use Switch Axe, it’s both an axe and a sword!!!

I mean, the insect glaive is also pretty nice, and I do like a lot of the weapons, bit aside. As of late, I’ve put Fire Emblem down in exchange for Xenoblade X and the topic of this part of the post, Monster Hunter. Yes, me, the person who has made multiple megathread posts on Fire Emblem has not touched it in months. I am thinking of running an Enbarr Edition (woke mod) playthrough of Crimson Flower though, so I might be back on FE soon, but for now we’re talking Monster Hunter. Oh, and I’m not getting technical. I do not know much about this game, I just know that it’s fun and I want to share some of why that is! I’m not an expert, I could be wrong on some technical things, and yes I am a poser and started with Rise and World… a couple months after Wilds came out. Truly ahead of the curve.

Monster Hunter is an action RPG developed by... you know what, no. Monster Hunter is a fun game where you hunt big monsters. There are many weapons to choose from, the best of which are Insect Glaive and Switch Axe, sorry to the one Gunlance fan lol I feel bad (/j, all weapons are good) and they all play so differently that changing weapons is such a fresh experience every time. Each weapon has so much to it, so many layers, that many players pick one and stick with it like they’re picking a main in a hero shooter. That’s not even mentioning the monsters. I’ve still barely learned what they all do, because they all feel so different. I know what to expect with some of them, but went and fought some I haven’t done in a while and I’m getting my ass kicked, which is of course the authentic Monster Hunter experience.

Character customization (and feline/canine customization!) is very fun, I had a good amount of hours in the character creators alone. So much to choose from, and there wasn’t free changing at the time (mods my beloved) so I really wanted to make it count. Made designs I liked and then stuck with them, haven’t really changed much. Same with XCX, even with the option to change, and hating having to make a permanent decision, I grow attached to my characters, and then it looks weird when they look different. Although, I did turn them into foxgirls, because they are avatar characters and should be reflexive of the player. Inhales... eepawoo!

So many armors to choose from too! I’ll touch modding here as well, but I unlocked all of the cosmetic armors and it’s such fun dressing my character up! Right now, my character in world is running white hair and a pretty nice black coat, it’s giving more edgy, but I like it (also color matching for anything other than white is tough with the fox stuff on world, so sad). On Rise, I have more of a red theme going on, and although nothing is consistent, running full Mizutsune gear is what I’m doing now, and it’s quite fun! Yeah, that too, a lot if not all of the monsters have their own armor sets, as well as their own cosmetic armor sets, and some have multiple! Customizing to your hearts content is key to the authentic Monster Hunter experience. I’ve also added many other mods, mostly QoL but also some fun stuff. None of it is really game-breaking, but I could if I want to, and that’s powerful, but it’s also nice to be able to tweak the game to however I want to enjoy it!

They also look soooooo good. Rise has it’s charm, especially considering it was made for the Nintendo Switch, but World, oh my gosh. Extremely good looking game. Between that and Xenoblade X I have been spoiled for visuals as of late. So atmospheric and immersive, and the environments are so dynamic, and World captures ecosystems so well. Maps are vast, have variety, have verticality, and even just walking around and exploring is such a treat. The fact that monsters can interact with the environment as well, from breakable objects to nests, is just absolutely wonderful.

There’s a whole lot more I could say, or I couldn’t, I can’t put it into words. Very fun experience, very fun playing with others (not randos I have social anxiety even online), and I got World and the DLC for like 16 USD so that was a huge win. So what are you waiting for? Go play Monster Hunter! Can’t play online for free, but getting it cheaper is a hell of a deal. I bring Xenoblade X up here as well, but these games are solidifying themselves in my top rankings, to be honest. Monster Hunter is a blast and I’ve gotten completely sucked in, and I do intend to play and finish Xenoblade X. It’s quite nice playing all of these new and amazing games :>

And that’s where I’ll leave all of you. I’ll interact with the mega this week, but then, I’m gone. I don’t think I’ll delete this account like I said, but I already unmodded from most places and am logging off. Maybe I’ll come back one day. Maybe I won’t. If I did, I’d happily step up and mod both this comm and the disabled comm again. We have plenty here, but I feel genuinely bad about leaving the disabled comm, and well, I hope that in the event I returned you’d all be happy to have me. Honestly if I had a way to isolate the two comms and be in them, I would o7. Not to shill tracha again, but that’s kind of what it is to me. Everyone I talk to on matrix (which is like one person consistently but brain please shush) is from tracha, and it really is a nice space, albeit one with varying degrees of activity but I’m not the one to complain, and so I'm not. Life is tough, energy is low, and I feel exactly the same way. I guess I keep bringing tracha up to drive home the fact that I’m not dropping off the face of the Earth. I’m still here, not cutting myself off and isolating myself, just trying to get a better hold of my anxieties and other mental stuff and my self. The various batteries of life drain fast, but I’ll keep going. I know many feel those drains too, but just keep going and take any time you may need!

Live as yourselves, strive to grow, stay curious, take that extra step for yourselves, and care for not just the other people in your lives, but yourselves as well. We deserve to live, and we deserve to be here, as ourselves, no matter what others might think or say or do.

May you all have a great week, and HAPPY PRIDE MONTH LET’S GO!!! trans-ferret

celebratory measuresbridget-vibe dancing-roach niko-dance lea-caramelldansen reisen-dance kris-dance susie-dance ralsei-dance snom torture-dance dubois-dance kitsuragi-dance


Join our public Matrix server!

https://matrix.to/#/#tracha-space:matrix.org

https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms


As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.

Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

(page 5) 50 comments
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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

talking about adhd medsI'm like 3mo on Vyvanse now and I think looking back some days are better than others for focus, but being able to focus has given me such incredible joy and confidence.

I like complicated video games but can get overwhelmed with information and struggle to keep things in my head. On meds they're even more fun because I can think problems through.

At work I find myself looking for things to do, instead of searching endlessly for the perfect distraction to trick myself into focusing. It's still boring sometimes.

Last week at work was super fuxking stressful but I was so relieved when I got through everything I I needed to do. And I only realized I did a lot when I was telling people what I did.

It's not all perfect. I think my pulse is a bit high, something my doc is concerned with too that may be a long term problem. I can get a little irritable of I'm focusing hard. But I'm learning to cope and as for the pulse thing well maybe I just need more exercise and to measure it at different times of day or something.

I do find it makes some autism things a bit worse, like sensory sensitivities and such. But that may not be meds, that may be me being more present or something. Or maybe I don't get out enough. I don't know.

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

convinced that every mention of the word "misandry" on social media as something we need to all come together to talk about is being pushed by either a seething incel or palantir

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

aww very lovely mega post to kick off pride month!

and so begins the rolling tranniversaries + egg cracks cat-trans

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

finished Dragon Age: Veilguard. it was... Fine.

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

Such a big fan of the "white people are crazyyy" genre of films (watching rebel without a cause rn, watched the cook the thief his wife and her lover about a week ago)

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

The Switch Axe is what I picked.

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

i-cant

I found out by pure accident that my research paper is due in 4 days and not 3 weeks as I had previously thought. I ain't just cooked. I was breaded, deep fried and dipped in ketchup. I straight up feel like giving up lmao. Who gives a shit I swear to God I don't want to be a researcher.

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

Trans cartoon furries would have to get used to the new clothing style mtf now you gotta were top and bottoms/shoes ftm now at most you have a shirt and maybe some shoes.

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

The great pants exchange as the trans femme and trans mascs ritually switch out pants to symbolize their social transition

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

being the friend no one likes is rough but I make it work, just like yamcha

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

Request for knowledge:

As I've mentioned before, I've had 10 laser hair removal sessions, and I'm unhappy with the rate of the results. I'd say it's removed like 40% of my hair, but the majority of it is still there.

I'm thinking of just stopping and waiting until I can get electrolysis.

In the meantime, I'd like to start waxing my lip and chin. The only reason I'm not waxing now is because for laser to work, the follicle needs to be visible, so I need to keep shaving.

For my question: is there any reason I should not take this route? Am I going to lose my gains or something if I stop now?

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

in honor of pride month i wrote a 2 minute joke about a fetus doing a heist and i'm making people put up with me telling it

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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

worki hate that i've been noticed at work. i want to go back to the time when i was being grossly mismanaged and left alone, because now im always anxious at work because someone can come and talk to me, and at home i cant stop thinking about work and either feeling physical dread or acting out arguments with managers and coworkers that i keep making up

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)
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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

My ignorance is astounding and making mistakes hurts but like after I swallow some humble pie and get back to hitting my head against the wall I come out of it knowing more than I did this morning. Think I'm awaking to the process of learning and it's leaving me feeling like not the brightest but driven to learn more tomorrow.

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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Can anyone recommend me a steamer to get wrinkles out of my dresses? I'm new to this whole caring about your appearance thing monke-beepboop

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

dysphoria, depressionbeen feeling a really deep down dysphoria all throughout the past couple days. the worst kind for me, the envious kind. makes me feel disgusted with my self in a very different way.

the past few days before this I'd actually been feeling kind of alright. anti-depressant was working. I could feel it working. I still had a lot of the bad thoughts, but it let me not spiral out or get stuck in a loop. helped me to not be overwhelmed. it was working with this feeling too at first, just a little bit. felt it but could stop myself from being overwhelmed. but it keeps clawing back, getting stronger.

I keep trying the "right" tools. and they always work for a little while. my last therapist was great, until she fucked up so badly it sent me into a 2 month+ spiral. the antidepressants worked, for just those few days, but now it's like I can't feel them at all. the only things that ever seem to work, to help to push the feelings back, to actually get me to tomorrow, are just ways of slowly destroying myself. It makes me fearful.

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

Finally got my shit together to try scheduling consults again. Maybe it's just the pride month vibes, but I think I can deal with the brain poison that is the healthcare industry now

Fingers crossed catgirl-peace

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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

i got broads in atlanta, pissin a pee in the phantom

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

Your story was lovely! Here's to an even better second year of transition cat-trans

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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

damn

thinking back to where i was at this time last year

and holy shit i've grown so much as a person i can barely recognize that person i used to be

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

I fr need a little treat that isn't a snack or costs money or too much time. Just need a button to smack for a hit of dopamine rn.

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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

incomprehensible whining, shittyness and dysphoriaI feel fucking awful. I've been on the edge of tears for hours. Now that I'm home they won't come. I just feel angry and sad. Why was I born like this. WHy don't I have a pussy. wyh does everyone see me as a man. "oh but you only feel so shitty bc you worked 30 hours this week" yea real literally just cant even work enough hours.

i want a pussy, I want a sweet nice voicce, I want boobs, I want people to stop thinking of me as a fucking man. I cant have any of it, i dont have any of it, whhheeennn. I'm dying.

I wanted to talk to my friend about it tonight (I mean obviously not this in depth but just share how much it hurts) and i literally couldn't and the other dipshit called me sir when I'm literally on the fucking edge and i swear to god. and I have to fucking shower tonight, and shave, and get up tomorrow for work and watching like 50 fucking shithead kids. genuinely the worst hour of work the entire fucking year tomorrow.

god i wanted to shar ethe hurt with her tonight and I couldn't, not like she'd have understood anyway. No one does.

I can't do it, I can't grin and bear it, I can't cope, what I need can't happen, this is fucking horrible. A nightmare. Agony. Fuck everyone tbh. And I still have to fucking shower and see my disgusting, revolting, mutated body again for like a fucking hour. i literllay can't.

[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

more and worse shittyness and negativity, siliterally one of the worst things that could have happened to me. Maybe, if I'm lucky I'll be able to be comfortable in my own skin by the time I'm fucking 30. 15 fucking years of hell. and at the end my reward is literally nothing. Just being comfortable and happy with how things are, like a cis person gets for free. I'll still be seen as subhuman, barely deserving of rights. Traumatized from all this. Still putting up with capitalism, climate change and fascism like everyone else. why fucking bother. I genuinely should just kill myself and get it over with. This life is not worth living.

inb4 "oh the last couple days you seemed good" I was still suffering. Yesterday I was dissociating, barely keeping myself from crying, about all the same fucking things for hours. I just know people here prefer positives to this. but whatvr you get this tonight.

[-] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago

spoilerYou're 15? I thought you were older, like highschool senior about to graduate. Like 17 or 18 (or 19). You said 15 more years to 30 right?

If you're 15, while highschool sucks for everyone it's definitely harder when you're trans or LGBT and you cant really trust your parents. I would also expect your life to rapidly improve when you graduate and are able to move out, not 15 years of struggle - more like 3. It doesn't take away from how hard things feel now, it's just shorter than maybe you first thought. The boobs, voice, vagina they will all come, eggnog. It's on your horizon. If youre more like 19, just keep grinding - I think your emotional situation will massively improve with LGBT accepting or LGBT roommates and getting out of that house and socially transitioning. The weight of dysphoria sucks on top of all the other bullshit we have to contend with from capitalism and climate change

The stuff about mentioning how over the last few weeks or days you've mentioned some positivity and happiness - that wasn't about diminishing the pain, its about highlighting the movement forward and maybe a very gentle reminder that you have some good things going for you that you've mentioned. Absolutely feel your pain and grief and anger - they're righteous. Don't let us minimize, I cant speak for others really but it's more about how you've grown. And that means you can keep growing and things can continue to improve - the idea being compare how things were 2 months ago to how they are now.

We engage in the struggle for trans lives because we believe trans life is worth living and celebrating. Would you tell me I shouldn't bother continuing to live even though things will be and are hard? Would you tell that to a 12 year trans girl who just figured herself out? Would you tell it to yourself? It's all part of the same struggle, the struggle for black lives, the struggle for workers rights, the struggle for workers liberation, the struggle for a liveable climate, the struggle for women's rights, its all a mess of intertwined overlapping braided aspects of oppression from a powerful enemy with a lot at their disposal - but we hold the ultimate keys and we must win, we can win, we will win. Every little thing you can do to aid the struggle for trans lives (like staying alive, transitioning so you feel more happy and comfortable, etc) is also a thing that aids that same larger struggle, and it all adds up like drops becoming an ocean.

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[-] [email protected] 10 points 1 week ago

Just injected, like two hours into watching the silent Napoleon film and not even half done, drinking tea, we're so baxk

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

more ranting about anxiety, burnout, etcmy therapist basically told me to take some sick days to help recover, and she recommended me a book on dealing with autistic burnout. I told her that I agree that not all sicknesses are visible, that the burnout I'm feeling is real and only solvable with time off to recover, and that I need more than one afternoon to do so, and that I shouldn't be using my vacation time to recover as I am sick.

But I also told her I wouldn't take sick days because I'm scared of taking too many and losing my job, and that the ingrained societal importance of "if you are physically capable of work you shouldn't take a sick day" is very strong and makes it difficult to take time off when I need to, and if I do take time off I should be miserable and not be doing things I enjoy.

But the nightmares continue. I lost a couple hours of sleep last night just to medical anxiety (Good news: looks like my breasts are growing again. Bad news: Part of my brain thinks I'm having a heart attack because chest soreness.). I had several nightmares. I went to bed early and woke up late and when I went to actually do work and think work thoughts my head started just spinning and I needed to sit down.

I was supposed to have a Hell Day today, a day every other Wednesday that is barely survivable because not only do I have to run a big planning meeting, but I have to be in two extremely high-masking meetings with both my boss alone and with a bunch of management. And yet I told myself I couldn't skip these because they're very important.

Also I guess if we're using the framing of high-masking being exhausting, I've had a number of those in the past week or two. One was a fucking disaster as the people running it have no idea what they're doing, so they spent 40 minutes grilling me extremely poorly, and the other was productive but included the most bazinga-ass temporarily embarrassed millionaire I've ever met, who I have to deal with occasionally. She is completely non-technical, doesn't know it, and is also quite slimy and it is a lot of work to be nice. I've been dealing with some shit that a bunch of non-technical people decided last week without us, and when I was openly saying this idea they had with no development oversight was a bad idea, she said "well we have to figure it out because that's what we're doing." Five minutes later when everyone else agreed with me she suddenly says "it was a tentative plan." Five minutes is too short a time for effective gaslighting, lady, what are you doing? I even confirmed it with other people that were there who said I'm not crazy lol.

If I were in my boss' place I wouldn't hesitate to reschedule the meeting with me and would be supportive of me taking some time off to recover. And yet I'm still terrified to do so.

The last month has been absolute hell for me. May was roof replacement month and the company was so disorganized and showed up at random times and worked late into the evening (830 PM most nights) because they were short-staffed. And it's still not done.

And this month there's a bunch of commitments and delayed and delayed releases that there's a lot of pressure on me to get out. Big cross-company code deploys that affect everything. I've had a running list of colour-coded problems we have to resolve that I've been updating every day as we get through stuff. It's good (and out of character for me) to be organized.

I miss the days when I could just work on some code, refactor some shit app, or even just do some little UI stuff. I'm not sure if anyone would hire me for a job like that anymore, I hear about how much HR pre-filters resumes without degrees (I don't have a degree). I also don't think I'd do well in an office every day, I never did before, I was okay in 2018 with my back to a wall and a bit of a barrier so I didn't feel like I had to mask so hard and I could focus on work, but open-offices are super exhausting since everyone is looking at you potentially from every angle. It makes it difficult to stim.

It did feel good when I finished up on Friday last week after a super stressful week. I got through everything I needed to do (and everything that was dropped on me at the last minute), it was stressful but when it was done I was happy. And when I'm not working I'm having fun playing modded Minecraft with my partners or watching shows and we like. I guess weekends and evenings are just not enough recovery time. I was hoping to make it to the week off I have coming up but it seems like I just can't.

My therapist says that I should look at ways to reorganize my work so that it isn't so taxing. I think the fact that I've named days like today Hell Day is indicative enough that maybe I should try to reschedule some things.

Also, re. the chest pain thing, I have had two chest x-rays in the past year, had multiple ECGs, and had an extremely skilled doctor examine me as well. A lot of that stuff was cuz I told my doctor my mom has a heart condition she needed surgery before to fix some problem (they had to cauterize a bunch of the electrical emitters since they were causing palpatations) and I wanted to start ADHD meds. I have another ECG planned (but that needs to be on a day off because it is 10/10 autistic torture) in a couple weeks. I don't think there's actually anything wrong with my heart at this point since all of that stuff came up mostly clean. I get pretty strong medical anxiety sometimes, so I'm chalking it up to that.

spoiler cw i talk about breast size quite frankly I'm happy with my breast size. I don't need more breasts. I just bought a new set of bras this year and I don't want to go up a size already. Switching to CPA has made them start growing again and at this point I'm having trouble with open sweaters because they will just kinda wrap around the breasts and make them look even bigger and at this rate I'm going to end up like my mom who got a breast reduction a few years back. At least I don't have back problems. I just wanted them to round out. I already can't wear most tops because they will either stretch or drape really unflatteringly.

I don't think about fashion much because I don't care for it, and I hate clothes shopping. I should be grateful for the large pair of gifts I have had bestowed upon me in the past 16 years or whatever, and I am, but I'm good where I'm at, despite my body having other ideas. :::

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this post was submitted on 02 Jun 2025
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