alcoholism/relapse, self psychoanalysis, family shit, aging pet worries
Relapsed, feel bad, also feel worse about not feeling worse if that makes sense
Angry at self wanting to be perfect and a teetotaler
Angry that I also feel completely justified when I disappoint myself because I never felt good enough for my dad and he's the reason I became an alcoholic in the first place, and now dealing with him is what causes me to relapse
Meemaw cat gets mini seizures and flops over like she got a leg cramp and a really bad itch and will fall out of a chair when that happens
Spent all evening at the gym, go check on parents tired and burned out (failed my leg press sets, didn't have enough in the tank to stick to my rowing schedule either)
She has one of her mini seizures, flops out of her chair into his lap, claws his leg accidentally (it's a completely unintentional thing, she's done it to me and would never hurt me and she's 16 and I've had her and her sister ((RIP)) since she was a kitten)
He's drunk as always and says some nasty shit about her (she's an absolute angel and he's a disgusting decrepit braindead miserable piece of shit)
Immediately start wishing he'd just fucking die already, wish my mom divorced him before I was born, wish I'd never had to know him, etc
Take care of their dishes, laundry, scoop her box, take out the trash, clean her bowls, fill them and get her fresh water, put away their dinner leftovers they left out (I feel taken advantage of, they're not that incapable)
Leave and go buy a box of wine and a flask size plastic bottle of bottom shelf vodka (my shifting sobriety self rule was "no spirits")
Walk to gym because it's the only other place I go, do ab and back stuff I skipped
Pick up trash on side of road, pick flowers from bougie gated community's front gate for my windowsill
Listen to podcasts
Angry at everything
Gonna go walk home drunk and stop to stare at a fountain while I listen to angsty music
Maybe tomorrow I can be happier with myself but for tonight I'm fucking livid at everything and exhausted and feel pathetic and am so fucking mad at my shitty parents
The kindest self dialogue I've been able to muster lately keeps coming back to "well no wonder you suck, look at how and by whom you were raised"
Thanks brain