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her,,, expolde
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As a reminder, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
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Curly pogging 
THIS IS LONG SORRY (i really hope i haven't already posted some of this that would be embarrassing, then people would know that i generally think in spirals, lol)
gender outlaw, passing, privilege, possibly dated words used in the book, my brainworms about gender, no obligation to read of course
I'm reading Gender Outlaw. I'm on Chapter 8. The phrase "now we're standing on the side of the freaks" is starting to bring to consciousness a feeling I had. If I'm being honest very few people have asked me if I'm trans or given me trouble for it, ever. Maybe they know, and just keep quiet, I think I live in a rather nice place and lucked out with the people around me. This privilege has made me comfortable ... and it's only now that I'm realizing how lonely, self-defeating, and morally wrong that feels.
I don't think I want to care about passing anymore. I have friends (+ my partner, is his own reserved way) who aren't afraid to be authentic, even if it means standing out from the norms, and I'm so sick of having to police my behaviour and be scared of others' for fear of drawing attention to myself. I want all my friends to read the Gender Accelerator. Yes I'm terrified of people and being outside the house, and I'm mostly an indoor cat, but like, ... i don't know where I'm going with this.
yeah, i got a strong jawline and a "wide" build. i also have a lot of "positive" (positive for passing in this context) qualities too. so what? that's just how my body is - do i really need to feel bad about this anymore? if i let go of the need to "pass," maybe i can let go of the fear that I feel when seeing myself in the mirror, too, and start to like all my features. the label of "stealth binary trans woman," when considered as a set of expectations i put on myself, my body, my voice, and my personality, might as well be me expecting myself to be a "cis woman." tbh i don't think i want such an unrealistic goal anymore.
If I'm being honest, parts of me largely adopted the "so what if I pass" mindset years ago, as i put in very little effort as-is, but I still have a cop in my mind that has internalized these stifling rules about trying to "fit in" to a binary female identity, even at home. I've noticed that toying with a non-binary identity in my own mind has actually freed my gender expression to be, unexpectedly, more outwardly femme. Chat, is it normal that going from binary female identity to a non-binary identity makes you more skirt-pilled?
spoiler one layer deeper, parent stuff, unsupportive family members, really getting up close and personal to the worms, so ... you've been warned I have a difficult relationship with my mother. frick (I don't know why I don't type swears lol, I absolutely swear a lot irl), this is one of those moments where all the thoughts and words are happening at once in my head, so this is taking a while to write, i'll need to break it down into categories instead of narrative:
"Supportive": She uses my chosen name, pronouns, most of the time. I have a few memories from earlier in my transition though where she would be very critical about my presentation, the way I wore make-up, my hair, etc. She claims she's "being a mother," and outwardly, it seemed like she was trying to help me learn. She gives me clothes that she thinks would look good on me, etc. it seems like a perfect situation.
Therapist: When I talked to my therapist about the cop in my head telling me I can't wear certain clothes or act certain ways etc. my mom came up. Cool Therapist offered an interesting idea to me. She suggested I might be hyper-perceptive to other people's emotions (which I think is true), and even though my mom is being supportive, she may be (unintentionally) gaslighting me. Like shouting "I LOVE YOU" at someone with gritted teeth probably won't have the desired effect, when she was outwardly attempting to "help" me I was actually feeling and internalizing her discomfort with my gender identity & expression.
Power play: I cut my own hair this past weekend. I think it's cute. I haven't had a haircut in years. I only really did it because my mom would force me, because I never knew what to ask for, and what would work for me, so I'd ask for "just a trim" and every hairdresser would like take off 3 inches, give me a 5-step program for every day to make my curly hair work properly, and left me just pretending I liked what I saw in the mirror since I didn't like the way any of it fit my face. Also add to that that other people washing and massaging my hair is like mega-yikes, don't touch my hair unless we're friends, my hair is dry, and you're giving me pets 
. I told my mom I got my hair cut. She asked me to send a picture. I ... did not. Maybe this was mean, but I really really didn't (and still don't) want anyone's opinion but my own on it, especially not the first couple days. don't worry, i apologized to her for not being able to do it, guess her and dad will have to come visit (god she would nitpick the shit out of my house)
What Should I Wear: Cool Therapist asked me what the most ideal kind of outfit would be for me to wear early this week. I still don't have a great answer (luckily I don't see her for another few weeks lol), but I'm experimenting, and I feel like I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable in clothes I struggled with before, and I think that really starting to understand gender was the missing piece for me. :::
. bleh it's late sorry i should spend another hour on this but i don't trust website/my internet/my computer to keep something this long saved in browser/clipboard/etc. and
i'm feeling good, every day i feel like i'm putting down some of the heavy load i've been carrying around all this time
Anyone else sometimes feel like theyβre on drugs when stimming? It feels crazy sometimes when I play deftones and my face and chest and limbs all rhythmically tense up or move.
Hyperfixating on what cannabis does to NDs while lying in grass is fun. I still have more research to do, but it seems like it can relieve some negative autism symptoms, but also possibly further (than adhd) mess up dopamine receptors and induce psychosis. I need to test things on myself idk. What your experiences?
::: spoiler spoiler I prefered other drugs tbh, weed was fine but I felt heavy on it, didn't really do much for me.
twansgender :3
drugs/mental health/alcohol cessation, positive πβ¨
After about a week of trying kratom and around a month sober from alcohol, I feel like I can say fairly comfortably that kratom is a huge help for decreasing alcohol cravings if you're trying to get sober. Before I started taking kratom, I was really starting to hit the point in getting dry (not my first rodeo π€ ) where I start getting really antsy and irritable and often end up relapsing.
Kratom's really leveled me out and helped with my anxiety and irritability. The side effects are pretty minimal and its tendency to cause nausea and dizziness in high doses does a lot to prevent abusing it, and the physical dependency risk is a lot lower than alcohol or opiates.
It feels silly to say for some reason but I think this is one of the biggest improvements I've made for my mental health in a long time. I'm so glad I'm not dealing with hangovers and making myself sick with booze anymore.
