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THIS IS LONG SORRY (i really hope i haven't already posted some of this that would be embarrassing, then people would know that i generally think in spirals, lol)
gender outlaw, passing, privilege, possibly dated words used in the book, my brainworms about gender, no obligation to read of course
I'm reading Gender Outlaw. I'm on Chapter 8. The phrase "now we're standing on the side of the freaks" is starting to bring to consciousness a feeling I had. If I'm being honest very few people have asked me if I'm trans or given me trouble for it, ever. Maybe they know, and just keep quiet, I think I live in a rather nice place and lucked out with the people around me. This privilege has made me comfortable ... and it's only now that I'm realizing how lonely, self-defeating, and morally wrong that feels.I don't think I want to care about passing anymore. I have friends (+ my partner, is his own reserved way) who aren't afraid to be authentic, even if it means standing out from the norms, and I'm so sick of having to police my behaviour and be scared of others' for fear of drawing attention to myself. I want all my friends to read the Gender Accelerator. Yes I'm terrified of people and being outside the house, and I'm mostly an indoor cat, but like, ... i don't know where I'm going with this.
yeah, i got a strong jawline and a "wide" build. i also have a lot of "positive" (positive for passing in this context) qualities too. so what? that's just how my body is - do i really need to feel bad about this anymore? if i let go of the need to "pass," maybe i can let go of the fear that I feel when seeing myself in the mirror, too, and start to like all my features. the label of "stealth binary trans woman," when considered as a set of expectations i put on myself, my body, my voice, and my personality, might as well be me expecting myself to be a "cis woman." tbh i don't think i want such an unrealistic goal anymore.
If I'm being honest, parts of me largely adopted the "so what if I pass" mindset years ago, as i put in very little effort as-is, but I still have a cop in my mind that has internalized these stifling rules about trying to "fit in" to a binary female identity, even at home. I've noticed that toying with a non-binary identity in my own mind has actually freed my gender expression to be, unexpectedly, more outwardly femme. Chat, is it normal that going from binary female identity to a non-binary identity makes you more skirt-pilled?
spoiler one layer deeper, parent stuff, unsupportive family members, really getting up close and personal to the worms, so ... you've been warned I have a difficult relationship with my mother. frick (I don't know why I don't type swears lol, I absolutely swear a lot irl), this is one of those moments where all the thoughts and words are happening at once in my head, so this is taking a while to write, i'll need to break it down into categories instead of narrative:
"Supportive": She uses my chosen name, pronouns, most of the time. I have a few memories from earlier in my transition though where she would be very critical about my presentation, the way I wore make-up, my hair, etc. She claims she's "being a mother," and outwardly, it seemed like she was trying to help me learn. She gives me clothes that she thinks would look good on me, etc. it seems like a perfect situation.
Therapist: When I talked to my therapist about the cop in my head telling me I can't wear certain clothes or act certain ways etc. my mom came up. Cool Therapist offered an interesting idea to me. She suggested I might be hyper-perceptive to other people's emotions (which I think is true), and even though my mom is being supportive, she may be (unintentionally) gaslighting me. Like shouting "I LOVE YOU" at someone with gritted teeth probably won't have the desired effect, when she was outwardly attempting to "help" me I was actually feeling and internalizing her discomfort with my gender identity & expression.
Power play: I cut my own hair this past weekend. I think it's cute. I haven't had a haircut in years. I only really did it because my mom would force me, because I never knew what to ask for, and what would work for me, so I'd ask for "just a trim" and every hairdresser would like take off 3 inches, give me a 5-step program for every day to make my curly hair work properly, and left me just pretending I liked what I saw in the mirror since I didn't like the way any of it fit my face. Also add to that that other people washing and massaging my hair is like mega-yikes, don't touch my hair unless we're friends, my hair is dry, and you're giving me pets
. I told my mom I got my hair cut. She asked me to send a picture. I ... did not. Maybe this was mean, but I really really didn't (and still don't) want anyone's opinion but my own on it, especially not the first couple days. don't worry, i apologized to her for not being able to do it, guess her and dad will have to come visit (god she would nitpick the shit out of my house)
What Should I Wear: Cool Therapist asked me what the most ideal kind of outfit would be for me to wear early this week. I still don't have a great answer (luckily I don't see her for another few weeks lol), but I'm experimenting, and I feel like I'm finally starting to feel more comfortable in clothes I struggled with before, and I think that really starting to understand gender was the missing piece for me. :::
. bleh it's late sorry i should spend another hour on this but i don't trust website/my internet/my computer to keep something this long saved in browser/clipboard/etc. and
i'm feeling good, every day i feel like i'm putting down some of the heavy load i've been carrying around all this time
big reply
I think I was in your shoes six or seven years ago. Had the desire to go full stealth and never be near anything trans related, which was soul crushing and depressing. (To be fair to me, the trans communities I was in back then were 4ch adjacent and awful) I realised pretty quick that I needed my trans comrades in my life, probably part of what started the turnaround.
I am so relieved that you can relate to my struggles - I was secretly worried I was gonna be outed as a fake leftist with that post haha.
yep, i probably wouldn't have started here if it weren't for bear site
I'm pretty sure most people on this site have less than "leftist" thoughts and stuff in their pasts. I had a lot of self hate as a kid I needed to grow through and out of...
same, i fell a tiny bit into the alt-right pipeline even for a bit in like 2015 since i was feeling disillusioned with society and guilty about myself not being able to fit in but didn't know why, it didn't seem like hatred at first, but eventually, as i started to scratch beneath the surface, the hatred started to show and i was repulsed ... well now i am reading leftist theory (slowly) and at least i understand how the chuds work. lurking here for a year (oh my god it's been that long?!) has taught me so much.
yeah same, funny how silly it is in retrospect
Glad the book has enlightened you, it did change me. Though being agender it was more I felt seen for the first time reading the book.
when you realise how much the concept of "passing" boils down to racism, privelage and cisnormativity it isn't that hard to drop it. I know brainworms are hard to root out but sounds like you're seeing the light.
I can imagine!!
extremely well put, I admit I was thinking a little selfishly, but this is a really good point.
It's understandable, it does take people a lot to realise where you are now, some still have to make that connection even.