No Stupid Questions

Take their 'joke' seriously and buy them each their own vibrator/dildo combo. Be really serious about the whole thing; explain what they are, what they're for, everything.

This way, if they weren't joking, your veggies are safe. If they were joking, you have just completely topped their joke with your own.

Hope she washed it off well before putting it back in the fridge. So I doubt the post is real. As for the rest I'll have to leave it to women to answer. But if you ever find your cucumber in the garbage, just leave it there.

Solution: simply cover your most phallic groceries with condoms, then dispose the condoms before eating.

I've never used a veg for these purposes and I'm not planning to. I would definitely not recommend it to anyone, and I would recommend be very mindful of the hygiene of any objects you decide to insert for whatever reason- speaking from experience here, UTIs are no fun.

Most people don't use vegetables for this afaik.

That aside, the only girl who ever confided in me that she used a veg (a banana btw) also said she put it in a condom. She said she would bin it all afterwards and this sounds like what someone reasonable enough would do. I'd be grossed out if I was to eat something used for that and I'd feel awful to have my family eat something used that way. Just no.

Well she said she used it for 3 hours so I can only imagine it was in fact and edging case.

Any cucumber you handle for 3 hours for any reason is garbage. You wouldn't put it in a salad because it would be mush. This is a BS post, obviously.

During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?

🤣

As the only female on Lemmy I'm here to say maybe. Possibly anything could be used for penetration. I have personally never used a vegetable. A cucumber could be too large and intimidating for a young girl so hair brush handles are top tier.

Hairbrush handles are much more common. I'd say most girls probably haven't used vegetables.

Is it normal for teenagers discovering sexuality to improvise sex toys? Absolutely. Cucumbers are generally a convenient shape and size. When I was a young male teenager, I used hotel shampoo bottles. (Almost got one stuck inside me, no idea what I would have done.) When the time comes to have that talk, mention sex toys and that if they want to experiment, they should use objects that are meant to be used that way and that you won't judge them for it. I'd probably also mention that you won't open packages addressed to them and leave it at that.

People are missing the more important question:
Why did she put the cucumber back in the fridge?

Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.

Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?

No. Worrying doesn't help anyone. Just relax.

Cucumbers are the gateway veg.

As a teen I had little to no interest in penetration. Tampons didn't feel good, so why would I assume something else would? I wasn't really interested in penetration until I was interested in my partner specifically.

Once I (eventually) figured out pleasurable masturbation, I still stuck with external stuff mostly, and fingers in general. Eventually I got a job and a debit card and could privately online shop, but my little bag of toys continues to go mostly unused. Nothing beats my fingers.

I don't know about other women, but for me masturbation is and always has been much more about what's going on in my head, and then adding the pleasurable sensations to that, rather than experimenting with different sensations.

For a beginner I literally cannot imagine a cucumber. How many dicks are as thick as a grocery store cucumber? None I've seen in real life. Maybe in porn, but I can't think of any. It would just hurt. Beginners would need something maybe the size of 2 female fingers. (Maybe a farmers market cucumber that's skinnier?)

TIL there are like no women on lemmy

I hope that putting them back used is an edge case. Compost after use.

It's a shitposting meme. The poster has this pinned on their twitter:

That said... I have heard horror stories about poor theater staff finding cucumbers after the 50 shades premiere. Some of it was just people memeing and trying to prank but I'm not entirely sure about all of it.

Vibrators are much better than they used to be - quiet, rechargeable, and durable. I think your veggies are safe. If you're worried about it, only buy non phallus-shaped veg for awhile and see if anyone comments. I think (hope) those food sex things are just jokes, but i will not use a hotel room glass, coffee maker, or refillable shampoo.

You better make sure your son doesn't have access to coconuts

Veggies are certainly not unheard of, but everyone is different. Your wife and friend may be serious, or not, but some people totally fuck vegetables.

As a woman on Lemmy, I have never done this. I didn't find penetration very comfy until I learned how to have G spot orgasms with my SO, but by then I was an adult and could buy a G spot dildo for times he wasn't around. All I can think of with a cucumber is that something would break off inside me and I'd get an infection.

As far as I know, most women don't do this, but of course, if something exists, there's also someone who fucks or wants to fuck it.

Carrots and cucumbers, yes. Rumours went around a neighbouring school after a girl confided in her friend, who then betrayed her trust.

They are cheap, easily accessible, and great replacements in countries where sex toys are illegal. Just... Use a condom around it please.

Oh, and don't put it back in the fridge.

LOL!

No joke, my mother used one when my dad was was away on work. I know because she forgot about it and my sister had the bright idea to go snooping around in her drawers one day.

I would hope that in our modern age with more access to privately get sex toys (thanks to the internet) that most people would not resort to using vegetables. However, is someone saw buying sex toys as somehow "wrong" then they might.

When your children start ordering packages, don't open them and you'll never have to worry about this.