I keep having really strong sh urges, like I haven't felt in a long time (maybe 2-3 years). Its so concentrated on my left arm and I know its from my general dysphoria. I hate my body so much and its just manifesting as this urge to hurt myself and its so hard. Its such a strong feeling. And its not even just for pain like it usually is, but I want to bleed too. Why is this my burden. I feel weak. The urge just keeps running through my mind. It keeps getting worse. My old scars feel like needles.

I am currently safe however.

Manhunt by Gretchen Felker-Martin, Fluids by May Leitz, anything else with a CW list a mile long: horrific, evil, you're slime for recommending this, I bet you're a criminal, why are you so weird, etc

A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara: hugely successful gay traumaporn book

The difference is that A Little Life centers cis men, isn't it that's what it fuckin is, I bet. Also because it is written by a straight woman LMAOOOO

I get that navelgazing myopic A Novels written by Gen X trans women are never gonna be that popular, because Dude What The Fuck, but I feel weirdly bitter about this, Idk. Shit like this is also why I'm always hopping around tryna figure out if Manhunt or Fluids are too much in terms of trauma, I think.

(Sorry, I was watching this owl criticism video )

UPDATE: I figured it out, it's because in addition to the above, A Little Life is basically a hopped up Ao3 hurtcomfort fic that doesn't engage with the trauma it depicts or the queerness it ardently refuses to ackowledge, and lacking the proper context (tons of weird fanfic stuff) the Westoid press decided it was The Great Murican Gay Novel because characters getting tortured is DEEP.