Hi everybody! My schedule has been really unforgiving, so I may or may not end up writing something and making changes to the post later in the week.
Regardless, I hope you all have a good week!
Join our public Matrix server!
https://matrix.to//#/#tracha-space:transfem.dev
https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
depression, negativity, etc
I was thinking earlier about other paths my life could have gone down. And I don't see how things could have ended up differently, with being trans. Being trans has given me horrible, horrible depression. I remember "the spark" fading when puberty hit, and my depression getting really bad 15/16~ when more effects were more noticeable. It has not gotten better. I don't think it will get better. Being trans, the dysphoria, the social side, it has ruined me.There have been so many things I've wanted to do, engage with, etc. That I haven't. Because I've been depressed. And I believe being trans is the center of all of it. Its what makes the most sense.
I don't see how its escapable. I am broken. My body is a prison. I feel alienated. I am not like them. I will not be understood. I am hated for being defective. I'm never going to be comfortable around people. Around myself. Its just suffering, literally forever, until I put a stop to it.
I don't want to be depressed for the rest of my life. I've met people who were- and it seems horrible. I don't want to be a self hating, alcoholic 40 year old one day. I don't want to be empty, and bitter, and hateful the rest of my life. I want to feel normal again.
It has all been ruined. I can't escape depression. The cause- the issue- is me. I am just broken. There's not a fix. I'm going to keep coping, at least for a bit, with distractions, and talking with people, and probably some less healthy things too. But I don't want to cope forever. I don't want to be depressed forever. If life is just depression, maybe its not worth it. I still- can't believe this has happened to me. What a horrible, cruel fate. I don't deserve this.
I just want to feel normal again. Be normal. Act normally, I want to live my life normally, I want the depression to stop. I want the dysphoria to stop. I want to enjoy life again. Its just... all tied back to being trans. And I feel like hardly anyone understands. Not like being understood would change anything. There's no changing. Cutting it off here because I'll just loop on this, over and over, like I have been for hours. I hope I got the gist across. spoiler self harm fantasy, vent, kinda extreme so maybe just ignore. I want to slice my arms open. Feel the blood, the rush... god if scars weren't an issue I'd have done it there so many times. I want it so bad. I have never been able to do the self harm I want to do- before I die I will. One of the last things I do on this earth will be slicing my left forearm open. I have wanted to for years and years at this point. :::
Please be safe
Can commiserate if you want
Yea sure, tell me about it
I like hearing from you.
I felt the same for a long time, still kind of do.
I withdrew from people and society because I didn’t want to interact with it all as I was.
Hope that the progress I am slowly making with transition will amount to a point where I feel comfortable again is what keeps me going.