Woke up after a nightmare. Don't remember the whole dream, but around the end, my dad was using threatening language against one of my women co-workers, and I reflexively made a sarcastic quip that sided me with him. I regretted what I had done immediately: I was horrified and realized that I would lose my job, and then my career, and then my hope of an independent life over this. All he could do was rant about liberals and democrats. The dream ended after as got into a fight in the car.

I don't know why I am so concerned with pleasing my father. We don't talk about anything deeply. He doesn't ask me about my hobbies, or my friends, or my interests. He never texts me or calls me to ask me how I am doing, or to tell me that he loves me. My mom does that all the time. We stopped talking politics, I basically told him that I would never talk to him again if he insisted on taking politics, but I know that he's some sort of Nazi. He reads Charles Murray and Jordan Peterson, and plenty of far-right sci-fi, and those are just the physical books that he keeps in the house! His main hobby has always been right-wing politics: radio and Fox News and videos. I don't want to be anything like him. Everything time I get angry or sarcastic or just overbearing "male", or display any of his many flaws, I think about becoming him and that is the most horrible thing I can imagine. I think he is a sad aging man, a hoarder and a crank. The worst possible fate I could have is becoming like him (well, maybe death would be worse IDK). He loves his family, but that doesn't make him special and isn't a unique virtue. A lot of bad people love their families.

My mom is an evangelical too. Really, the only thing she cares about politically is abortion. Everything else is seems immaterial to her, or she just gets a position from my dad. I don't know how long she'll take to talk to me. We do talk though. Whenever I go home she wants to go running with me so she can have a private chat and vent about her job. I've told her about my support for queer rights and my queer friends, and while she's never agreed with me, she's never gotten angry about it either. I know that if I come out to her she'll immediately talk to dad.

My brother, I honestly don't know. We don't talk that much outside of games. We're very similar in a lot of ways, but we've never been sharey with each other. That's probably on me for being very closed off. He mentioned that he's talking to a therapist and taking anti- anxiety medication. He suggested that I look into it once, which I wasn't prepared to deal with at the time. I enjoy his company though. He will be the first person in my family that I come out to. I don't know how he'll react.

Of my sisters, the oldest is obviously a lost cause. She is just as vehemently a fascist as my dad. That sucks, because having a sister to talk to about this sort of thing would be awesome. The second oldest is more likely to be okay to talk to, but I dunno. My adopted sisters are pretty young, so they'll have plenty of time to figure it out.

I was terrified by the idea of therapy and opening up. I was terrified that I was a lost cause, and that all my mental health problems were the result of some sexual pathology that would make me unsympathetic to any therapist. Now, I want to see a therapist/psychiatrist as soon as possible. I want to get some diagnoses, and figure out what medications I need. I have a fear that the medical establishment is going to want me to rule out any "normal" mental health issue like anxiety and depression before even entertaining gender identity. I guess it depends on the system you deal with.

I am worried that if I lose my family, that I won't have any friends or support network when I finish my PhD and move to a new job. I know that this is untrue. One, I have a lot of friends across the country, from old jobs or online trpg gaming groups. I will be able to find supportive friends. Two, if E doesn't work out for me (still need to determine if that's what I want), I can just grovel and I know they will (smugly) welcome me home. Three, the end result of living my life based on the perceived pressure from my parents is that I was going to kill myself within a few years, and they wouldn't have liked that either. I don't know how hard I can hammer that home, but they'll need to understand that. If they don't get it, that's their problem.

If I had the courage to come out when I figured out I was bisexual in high school, my life could have been so much better. I come have spent my 20s as a young queer person as opposed to an isolated shell. I've "come out" as bi to plenty of friends, but that's kinda irrelevant as I've been too scared to actually express myself in any way my parents might learn about. I don't want to make that mistake again and waste my 30s as well.