It's always scary to lose that security though, you're right. The first month or so for me was godawful, I was so stressed the entire time while struggling to get a job since I didn't have time to get one before I got kicked out. But once I got a job a few months in I felt better, and now that I'm working full time for the summer I've even been able to save up quite a lot of money. (I actually just last week hit the amount of savings I had before I was kicked out, I'm so proud of myself for that.)

This isn't really a truly secure position, most of that money will be used to cover tuition and rent and it's only just able to do so, but that is a hell of a lot more secure than my first month away from my parents was. If you could get a job right away you'd basically be already in the 'insecure but comfortably secure' zone instead of completely insecure, if that makes sense. I suppose you wouldn't have the point of reference I do for how good that can be compared to the worst, but I hope you can still see how while it may be insecure you can reach a certain level of comfort in that insecurity.

I know how easy it can be to just stew in the dysphoria and not do anything because it's all hard, and my explaining that you should get a job to work towards independence is probably something that seems far off and too hard in the moment. Getting HRT was like that for me for the longest time. Partly due to circumstances out of my control as I've explained before, but also due to how I would often just... Not go looking for psychs that I could get the rec letter from because I felt like it was hopeless and there wasn't anyone that would work. I felt like that when job hunting a few months ago when I was kicked out. I'm still feeling like that with housing right now. I haven't called to ask to view a place I saw a few days back because I'm just so exhausted and worried about how the roommates might react to me being trans. But I'll have to do it eventually, when I get the energy and will to do it. Or, more likely, when I'm so stressed about it that I am hurting myself by not doing it. I'm not saying you have to do these things right away, just please consider it and try to work towards it at your pace, okay? It's okay for it to take time, it's okay if some days you can't be assed to do the things you need to to reach your goal, it's okay to rely on your current security while you try to ready yourself for independence. But please try to keep the goal in mind and move towards it when you feel you're able, okay? Viewing it as totally hopeless both isn't accurate to the realiy and makes it harder for you to reach that goal than if you believed you could reach it some day. Maybe I'm just too much of an optimist at heart though, despite everything.