One thing that we have to do is to try and not blame ourselves for our lack of action or awareness in our pasts. Constantly miring ourselves with “What ifs?” generally doesn’t lead to anywhere fruitful and just hogs one down with a large heaping pile of dysphoria. In my experiences, it has been very helpful to just focus on the here and now. Note that you’re making changes now. You are moving towards a better future for yourself. Even though you’re doing it later in life, you’re still making strides to becoming the real you.

I started HRT shortly after my egg cracked at 32. I was completely blind to myself and couldn’t see that I was trans. I never had the ability for introspection. It took me a long, agonizing time to finally look at myself and see myself. And, at the end of the day, I felt the exact same way you did. I lamented that I didn’t see the shell around me for so long. I felt that I missed a chance on life. However, as the changed came and I started to see the pathway to a better future for myself, all of it started to melt away. Now I feel that it would’ve been nice to start earlier, but you know what, I’m there. I’m doing right for myself. I’m decently far towards my goals. I’m living the life I was meant to this very moment. So I set my eyes towards my future and let the past be the past. After all, we can’t change our past, but we have the power to direct our futures.