One of the problems I had was, I always knew it didn't work like this for everybody else, but in terms of myself transition and gender were so tied up in the medical aspect, because that was the biggest change in my life then, that I couldn't really consider it in more granularity, 'cause my stupid brain would go "if my gender changes, some physical or presentational aspect of me must also change". Plus the fact that I'm indifferent to they/them pronouns confused my tiny mind somewhat.

I also think my sad tiny mind needed the "woman" label back then, kid me sort of clung to it for a sense of validity. It was something I could angrily assert at people if they questioned me. But now I'm a lot more chill, (cohabiting with my wife, long removed from the struggles of obtaining HRT) I've come far enough to decouple all that stuff in my brain, really consider it for myself, interrogate it thoroughly, and it's made me feel a lot better. I don't feel like such a weird, out-of-place non-trans-woman, I am content to just be a vaguely transfeminine lesbian critter and not worry about it. To look at myself and my body and realise how content I am, that it really truly brings me joy being just how I am now.