regularassbitch

this is for everyone who is missing someone this valentine's day

what's up, jerks?

i'm gonna drop the facade for a second if you don't mind. personally i've been a little bit unmotivated to keep posting regularly so i'm gonna open it up to everyone. it's hard for us to keep things regular and honestly there's no point to making it a locked comm with no posts. with that in mind, i'm gonna be opening up the comm to everyone from now on.

there are really only three rules:

• post fake news
• don't post real news
• you have to write it yourself

have fun!

Welcome to the first Fake News megathread, your biweekly coverage for the latest news exclusive to the imperial core. We want this to be a spot where anyone can come in, shit out a little snippet of an article you think is funny and collaborate with other dorks of equal caliber.

Sensitive documents have leaked online over the Nintendo game Splatoon 2. The highly classified documents which shared details of Israeli losses during their incredibly unpopular war with Hamas appeared as a drawing inside a speech bubble thought up by a player character who has now disappeared.

The speech bubble contained a link to a pastebin with one paragraph of text identified to be a leaked message from a Hamas group chat; “sensitive documents - born to die - world is a f*** - 200 trillion dead IDF soldiers - kill em all 2024 - I am based man.”

The IDF press team told Fakenews reporters “These numbers, although false, give an insight into the Hamas recruitment model. We know they've been using online games as a way to spread their propaganda and this game is no exception. We have asked Nintendo to shut the servers until the conflict in-game doesn't reflect the situation in Gaza.” A Nintendo spokesperson has denied any involvement on working with the IDF and claims “We will not be shutting down the servers and believe this was not a genuine leak.”

When asked if they condemn Hamas, representatives for Nintendo responded “We condemn video game piracy.”

Almost 10 years after the autoerotic asphyxiation death of Robin Williams, police are combing over the facts of the case once more hoping to find clues.

Henry Kissinger, war criminal and known dry jacker, was found dead in a Miami apartment belonging to a local journalist. His body was found hanging from a belt connected to a clothes rack in the closet, indicating autoerotic asphyxiation gone too far. Police were quick to close the case, but it seems that their haste may have slowed justice for the embattled peacemaker's family.

At first detectives claimed Kissinger's death was a copycat suicide, inspired by actors David Carradine, Robin Williams, James Gandolfini and countless others. Now they're open to the possibility that there was foul play involved.

Brooklyn, New York City. In a darkened apartment, Zelda Williams looks at crime scene photos hoping to find something that the police missed. She considers it one final gift to her father, nearly a decade after his untimely death. "It just doesn't make sense. He was Patch Adams, who would ever want to kill him, or fuck him?"

Williams broke down in tears when she spoke about the gruesome findings: "I'm getting sick thinking about someone doing this to him. I don't want to blame the IDF but they're the only people with the means and the motive here. If it wasn't them, then who?" Benjamin Netanyahu refused to comment when approached by Fake News researchers.

It's the same question investigators have. Detective Carl Alonzo has been investigating the case alone for over 5 years now and is convinced there is more to the deaths than meets the eye: "A common consistency between all of the cases is the lack of bruising on their necks. If any of them were still alive while allegedly jacking off there would be injuries consistent with blood flow. I think what we're seeing is someone trying to jack them off after the fact by manipulating their blood pressure."

This begs the question: who would spend over 10 years harvesting cum samples from famous celebrities and murderers? Why are they doing it? Who is next? Are they drinking it? Boofing it? Perhaps cooking it into dishes and eating them at the world's loneliest dinner table? Whatever the truth is, this reporter hopes it comes sooner, rather than later. Denying this story its climax seems unbefitting of the subject matter.

We will continue to update with more information as it becomes available