this post was submitted on 15 Jan 2024
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fakenews

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Welcome to the first Fake News megathread, your biweekly coverage for the latest news exclusive to the imperial core. We want this to be a spot where anyone can come in, shit out a little snippet of an article you think is funny and collaborate with other dorks of equal caliber.


Sensitive documents have leaked online over the Nintendo game Splatoon 2. The highly classified documents which shared details of Israeli losses during their incredibly unpopular war with Hamas appeared as a drawing inside a speech bubble thought up by a player character who has now disappeared.

The speech bubble contained a link to a pastebin with one paragraph of text identified to be a leaked message from a Hamas group chat; “sensitive documents - born to die - world is a f*** - 200 trillion dead IDF soldiers - kill em all 2024 - I am based man.”

The IDF press team told Fakenews reporters “These numbers, although false, give an insight into the Hamas recruitment model. We know they've been using online games as a way to spread their propaganda and this game is no exception. We have asked Nintendo to shut the servers until the conflict in-game doesn't reflect the situation in Gaza.” A Nintendo spokesperson has denied any involvement on working with the IDF and claims “We will not be shutting down the servers and believe this was not a genuine leak.”

When asked if they condemn Hamas, representatives for Nintendo responded “We condemn video game piracy.”

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[–] [email protected] 23 points 9 months ago (1 children)

In other news, my cock fell off due to severe cold weather. I was with my camera crew preparing to capture footage of a 62 car pile up on the expressway, unfortunately for me, moments prior to this a truck sped past and moistened my bottoms. I was freezing but reporting the news was and is always my top priority in any situation. Once I got to my trailer I took my pants off and with it my flaccid dick which was froze attached to my jeans. Now I have to tell my primary partner that my dick wasn’t cut off during a session with one of my doms but instead it froze off. Yeah, I’m not going home tonight

[–] [email protected] 8 points 9 months ago

This truly is Melina's 9/11

[–] [email protected] 22 points 9 months ago (1 children)

This isn't the fakenews megathread

spoilerGOTTEM!

[–] [email protected] 21 points 9 months ago

it's like watching a baby take their first steps

[–] [email protected] 18 points 9 months ago

Headline news:
Finnish Scientists Discover You Don't Have to Rub Vics VaboRub Across Your Whole Chest, Just Your Nipples

[–] [email protected] 17 points 9 months ago

The haters real quiet 🦗🦗🦗

[–] [email protected] 14 points 9 months ago

Posting corporate media articles about AES states in the fake news megathread as a bit.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

BREAKING NEWS: Secret documents have been unearthed that implicate Hexbear user Melina as an ANTI-OWL CONSPIRATOR. When asked to comment, Melina laughed and said "fuck owls!"

[–] [email protected] 13 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I like the funny face in the title

[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago (2 children)

thanks, it's a selfie 🥰

[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago

yeah but it makes me look cool

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 9 months ago

kissinger's back

[–] [email protected] 12 points 9 months ago

Tom Hanks Dies in Embarrassing Accident

Los Angeles, California – Tom Hanks, a local man, died in an embarrassing accident on Tuesday. According to witnesses, Hanks was attempting to retrieve a dropped item from underneath a parked car when he slipped and fell, hitting his head on the curb. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

Hanks's death has been met with shock and disbelief by his family and friends. They described him as a kind and gentle man who would never intentionally put himself in harm's way.

"This is such a senseless tragedy," said Hanks's sister, Jane Hanks. "My brother was always so careful. He would never have done anything that could have put him in danger."

Police are still investigating the incident, but they believe that Hanks's death was accidental. They have ruled out foul play.

Hanks's death is a reminder that accidents can happen anywhere, at any time. It is important to be aware of your surroundings and to take precautions to avoid injury.

In lieu of flowers, the Hanks family is asking for donations to the National Safety Council.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Write fake news articles I can use or I’m banning everyone

[–] [email protected] 19 points 9 months ago (3 children)
[–] [email protected] 16 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Your mom emailed the admins

[–] [email protected] 12 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 10 points 9 months ago (2 children)

Why are you taking credit for your mom’s work?

[–] [email protected] 16 points 9 months ago

I am my mom

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago (1 children)

don't come in here just to be mean

[–] [email protected] 10 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Dawn is actually behind the global petro industrial complex in order to sell more dish soap. They do it thru cute ducks.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 9 months ago

oh fake news

[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago (1 children)

BREAKING: BERNIE SANDERS VOTES YES ON SOULSHREDDER DRONE DELIVERY TO ISRAEL

National Observer

Washington, D.C. - Bernie Sanders will vote yes on a Bill delivering Soulshredder drones - named after the iconic antagonist of Marvel's™️ Man Man - to Israel. These weapons are capable of blowing up weddings from up to 2 kilometer distance. Asked by National Observer's DC correspondent Joseph "Joe" Gabbles if he was a communist lover of Babylon's enemies, Sanders assuaged fears that he was actually standing for something and replied: "As people might know from my presidential campaign, I am an adherent of the great american tradition of ruining things by putting america into them. Thus my american socialism is completely national and doesn't not aim to disrupt the flow of plunder into this great country."

Meanwhile in the house of representatives, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez was seen crying as she voted for the package. Observers described Nancy Pelosi waving her fasces (acquired on the occassion of Italian history month) at the upstart politican.

The package will also include a bill to turn the homeless into canned food and raise minimum wage for longterm government employees in select districts in 5 states by 1% over the next 12 months. Donald Trump was unavailable for comment, as he was passing out from Ketchup and Hamburgers at the "Triumph of the Will: remastered edition" filmset.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

it is! you should be proud of yourself, you aren't a civilian anymore

[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

BREAKING: I won a Fortnite

so jot that down

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[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago

If no news in the weekly thread, post in the bad thread.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

BREAKING: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson signs multi-million dollar promotional deal with Camel Cigarettes according to leaked internal documents

"Dwayne is going to be our rock. By next year, everyone will be smoking cigarettes again..." the internal memo states. Since leaving wrestling behind, The Rock has made it a point to show off his clean and healthy lifestyle. It's unclear if his stance has changed or he believes this to be healthy.

Neither Camel Cigarettes or The Rock would comment at this time.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

Why are Evangelion fans so intent on sexualizing the child characters? They're kids, I don't think you should be calling them 'waifu'.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 9 months ago

Hideaki Anno found on Epstein flight logs, artist's career "tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down"

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago

BREAKING: The Victims of Melina Memorial Foundation (VoM) has been formed. The VoM is an educational, research, and hexbear rights nonprofit organization devoted to commemorating the more than 100 million victims of Melina around the world and to pursuing the freedom of those still living under totalitarian posting regimes.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago

As an escapee from the British regime, I can tell you that the ossified geriatric rulers of the country live in luxury while ordinary workers eat cans of beans and forced to live in tents. The state media does not public a negative word about the rulers and in fact blames the workers.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Don't let anyone tell you Ron lost to Trump in Iowa. Can you blame him for eating all of those tasty ballots? If not for that he probably would have wonron-devouring-his-pudding

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

Mmm hungwie

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

World renowned stand-up comedian Jeff Dunham is in hot water this week after the launch of his controversial "Jeff to America" tour, which includes a segment where fan-favorite puppet "Achmed the dead terrorist" reads Osama bin Laden's "Letter to the American People" in its entirety. Critics of the comic have taken to social media to voice their discontent, saying that Jeff had "gone Woke", and that he should've stuck to more family-friendly racist puppets instead.

Dunham, the 61 year old resident of Hidden Hills, CA, could not be reached for comment.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 9 months ago (1 children)

First person to reply gets mod position which allows you to post to the comm

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (2 children)
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[–] [email protected] 6 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

Despondent Americans pledge their Allegiance to Hitler

Caucus of american fascists change their slogan to "we must secure the future of the white burger and reliable chunkopop shipping" as Houthi attacks mount. Immediately after the caucus, the loose alliances of retail store owners, discord users and frustrated school shooters sees membership increase by tenfold. Also changes name to "No homo of american fascists" as "Caucus" sounds "too gay". Leading trans token spokesperson Euphemia Van Dringles says "We actually thought you spell it Caucas, like, in Caucasian."

Meanwhile four skinny teenagers with sweaters praising incest and nazi architects in video games made mocking ok signs behind her back and "ironically" performed the Nazi Salute in front of an enormous painting that depicts a french Kiss between Mr. Beast and the head of Adolf Hitler sticking out of a toilet.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 9 months ago

Smoking crack at dawn

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

Multiple eye-witness reports from IOF troops have confirmed that the true identity of the widely feared anonymous Hamas militant colloquially known as 'the treat smasher of Tel-Aviv' is none other than decorated author Ulysses 'Bazinga Basher' Tuggy.

Captain Tuggy was last spotted standing over the crumpled corpses of two Israeli soldiers, pointing down at them while holding up a crumpled sheet of A4 paper with a crudely drawn smirking cartoon man crossing his arms before flipping it over to the other side to show what appeared to be a drawing of the popular twitch streamer Jerma985 with an unsettlingly wide grin.

Audio recordings of the event later surfaced that revealed he was alternating between wishing Allah's wrath upon the developers of the computer game 'Star Citizen' and shouting "DAE le only democracy in the Middle East??".

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

Well, it's official. Melina has been banned.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

Post minions or you will be banned

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

Anonymous junior reporter for Fake News News (FNN) overheard saying "fuck it, I'm just going to go The Spectators website, search up 'woke', copy and paste the first opinion piece that comes up and pretend I wrote it as a parody of TERF island media". FNN later put out a statement reiterating their commitment to high standards of journalism and confirming that said junior reporter had been sentenced to death via being tied in a bag and thrown into a pool of deadly vegan alligators.

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