me too
dysphoria
Ugh I can't stand to look at myself in my zoom calls today because I feel like an ugly man. Usually I'm better at not comparing myself to other people but alas
meler hornyposting??, mention of high school boys 😭, bottom dysphoria
I read some smut last night and I think I got horny for the first time ever. It was different than I expected. I've never been boyhorny but I suspect I've been on E long enough for that to have been girlhorny???
I'd hated the concept of being horny for a long time because my only real experience with it was overhearing the type of shit straight boys say to each other at a high school lunch table 
But like last night gave me a surprizing amount of gender euphoria too. Like there I was reading that shit feeling like such a girlllll y'all
I did get bottom dysphoria for the first time too though so that's kinda fucked up but other than that I'd call last night a big success
Yeahhhh I think I might be pan in some capacity. There's live music at the bar I'm at and I'm finding the guy at the mic super cute. I've never found a guy cute like this before
family shit, rambling
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
The Christmas zoom call was SO ass. It was horrendous. No one gave a fuck about my name or pronouns. I've written a letter to my family and asked my sibling if it was fair and they said yes. I still don't know if I should send it.
The whole reason I zoomed instead of visited in person was because I didn't want to be trapped there around so many people I despise, with no way of leaving. It's great to know I made the right choice, because not only did I not hear my name basically at all (except for once from my sibling), but my dad was actively an asshole to me. I guess he simply couldn't help it.
I wore my favorite dress, did my nails all nice, had my name on the zoom set to my name and pronouns. I did everything. No one forgot. No one cared.
I find out from my sibling today that while they were there in person, any time my grandma tried to bring anything up about my gender transition, my dad would shut her down by saying "please, let's just have a good day." So it seems like everyone may have been to afraid to ruin my dad's favorite holiday, so I was the sacrificial lamb. "Let's have a good day." Amazing how I didn't have one of those.
Every single bone in my body is telling me never to talk to my dad ever again and just cut ties. I desperately want to be able to. He is an irredeemable asshole. I genuinely hate him. The only thing keeping me from just doing it is the knowledge that my grandma lived with him. Shes 90 years old and if I ever want to see her again in person, I have to put up with the family nonsense.
It's also a thing where I'm scared of cutting off from pretty much the only family I have left, even if they're bad for me.
Estrogen may be simply the best thing that has ever entered my body tbh. It's kind of amazing
Lol there was a time when I thought I was a guy
Actually the full story is I turned really fast and felt them moveeeeeeeeeeee
wow who knew estrogen would give me boobs
I don't want to brag but I have my triangle at level 100
transphobia, hopelessness, ugh
I don't regret coming out, but I just wish I could put it on pause just for a day or two so I can breathe. I'm so sick of how people treat me, and I'm so sick of begging people to use my god damn name. I don't even hate my deadname. I actually kind of like it as a name if I'm being honest. But the downright refusal to use the name I'm explicitly asking people to use just feels like a slap in the face every single time. I've told my dad several times now that I don't want to talk about it anymore, and that he can just do what he wants because I'm done feeling like I have to justify myself to him. I asked him if he saw the possibility of a world in which what he was doing was wrong and he said "I am rarely ever 100% certain about anything, but I'm 100% certain you're not a woman." Like at this point trying to talk to him about it is not worth it. But he just keeps fucking bringing it up. Has sent me 5 page long letters written in google docs asking me to see things from his perspective. That he's trying to do what's right for me and that I shouldn't be mad at him for it. The only reason I'm still talking to him at all is because I have $38 in my bank account right now. The financials are kinda shot right now. And sometimes he sends me money. I feel trapped. I just want to leave this god forsaken town in this god forsaken country. I'm so emotionally burnt out and I don't know what to do.
meler
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joined 8 months ago
Chat I may be cuter today than I've ever been