Interestingly one of the few times I ever got pulled over was when I was on my way back from helping someone with yardwork and had my hair bundled up in a scarf so it didn't get nasty. It was so weird the cop actually apologized for pulling me over then drove off really suddenly. I definitely grew up in one of 'those' areas so I think he really did pull me over and was like 'wait shit you're white abort ABORT' which is so funny because like. I just do what works culture means very little to me.

This reminds me of a book I read recently. I get like 30 $1 paperbacks at the library used book sale every spring / fall. When I'm done reading them they go on the unit book cart for the patients unless theyre wildly objectionable (and it takes a lot for me, I recently put out some only mildly tasteful furry badger shapeshifter smut).

Anyway this year I got something called "the king's hounds" where the back summary sounded lit but it turned out to be super rapey (like Sean Connery bond just keep doing it until they shut up rapey). And it's been sitting on my coffee table collecting dust since I finished it because it feels wrong to just throw it away but I'm definitely not giving it to my patients (who like, ALL have rape PTSD for some reason). I probably will wind up throwing it out but. Fuck. It just feels wrong to destroy a book for some reason even though that's probably the only thing to do.

sounds like you need a trocar

Now that's talent.

It feels wrong in your chest as it crawls down your esophagus.

Shame, it's actually a really cool sub when you're looking for it. There's a MVA before and after that really shows off plastic surgery as a non-superficial specialty. Put the whole face back on. The whole face.

The best way I can describe drinking this entire thing as a colon prep for a procedure is that it's like that bit in the sixth Harry Potter book where he has to force feed Dumbledore that basin of poison to get to the bottom (it's been established that they're not great books but I'm part of that generation) but you're both Harry and Dumbledore both force feeding it to yourself while begging yourself not to do it all while lamenting the awful cruelty of Voldemort (your doctor).

Unironically em dashes are pretty useful—now that I know how to use them.

I don't wanna frame it as "I'm too smart," but I think I have better problem-solving skills than average. Especially with these disorders, you often see a lack of global problem-solving skills as a risk factor. For me, though, I just had a specific deficit in interpersonal relationships and emotional regulation.

So I couldn't figure out how to get how to regulate my emotions or not relate to people in weird, toxic ways on my own, but I was able to figure out what that meant and how to find people who could teach me. Three years of DBT basically completely changed me.

You might also find he doesn't actually care as much as you think he does when you get away. Cluster b personalities (oh hi) often have something called "relationship impermanence" where you'll just kind of stop existing and he'll lose interest after he hasn't seen you for like 3 months.

Not that he's consciously lying about that specific thing or anything; part of why we give that vibe so strongly is that we also truly believe that nothing will ever matter more than you while it's happening. Cluster b's who have done therapy have to specifically learn skills to stay invested in relationships long term but I'm going to go out in a limb and guess this person has done 0 therapy and has no intention.

This isn't to say you shouldn't take any of the precautions other people suggest because you absolutely should just in case. But don't look at it as this impossible inescapable thing when that's probably just part of the "spell" of control he's got you under psychologically.

I sucked until like 22 roundabouts when I did like 3 straight years of dialectal behavior therapy.