"If all the village idiots, in all of the viilages, left their villages, and formed their own village, of idiots. In that village, you would be the village idiot." - Colin Lane

"Don't be so humble. You're not that great." - Maria Bamford's dad.

"People say you're a real wit, but I think they're only half right." - me

One I remember reading a while ago "your boyfriend looks like he drops common loot when he dies"

You look the way I feel.

A few I've acquired over the years.

• "At this point, you can only impress me."
• "My opinion of you can only go up from here"
• "The bar was on the ground and you brought a shovel."
• Unencumbered by the thought process.
• "You're the reason we have warning labels."
• "They only got two brain cells and both of them are fighting for third place."
• "It's impossible to underestimate you."
• "If you were half as smart as you think you are, you’d be twice as smart as you really are."
• "If you ever had a clever thought, it died alone and afraid."
• "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
• "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
• "May I ask what's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"
• "You could hide your own Easter eggs."
• "I can explain it again, if you'd like, but I can't understand for you."
• "He is a modest man with much to be modest about."
• "I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong"

I really like "tosspot" but some people take it really harshly.

The Monty Python French taunters classic is a scathing insult and noone gets it. Break down the line:

"Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelt of elderberries"

Firstly, they are calling your mother a fast-breeding rodent, ergo, your mother is a whore, that one is simple. Second, why would your father smell of elderberries? What was it used for at the time? Wine, but better wine would be made from grapes from France or southern England, implying your father was was not just a drunk, but a cheap drunk.

Its one of the most insulting lines ever uttered on film and it has so many layers, which is why that movie is hillarious.

"You're not as dumb as you look," was always one of the most subtle yet broad insults.

You have a great face for radio.

I'd rather shit in my hands and clap

"You look like Danny Divito standing on Danny Divito's shoulders."

I hope your chooks turn into emus, and kick your dunny down.

Two more I’ve heard over the years:

‘You should carry around a potted plant to replace the oxygen you’re wasting’

And:

‘Your head is really just a place to store your teeth isn’t it?

"Anyone ever tell you that you've done a great job lately?"

"No" (This one requires a no answer)

"Think about that, then."

I'd try to explain it slower but I don't believe speed is the problem

“Bless your heart”

"[W]hat you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

You're the enemy of fun.

“The other sperm just let you win, didn’t they?”

The classic:

• You look easy to draw

Others:

• You are the type of person who makes the teenage cashier at Chipotle explain why guac costs extra.

• You're the human equivalent of a bag of salad that goes bad the day you buy it, worthless after I already spent my cash.

• Talking to you is like using a public restroom, sometimes necessary, never pleasant and leaves me feeling a little gross after.

• Every conversation with you has the emotional texture of a Terms and Conditions pop-up.

• Being around you feels like watching someone try parallel park for four minutes.

and the best I have ever hear with my own ears, which is not mundane, but is excellent when yelling at the top of your lungs so all the neighbors can hear: "You are a supercilious cunt"

Assassin of joy.

i like curses more like: "i hope you stub your toes", "have a warm pillow", "may the consequences of your actions be harsh" or "may your phone screen be always too bright or dim"

For two people who look/are dressed similarly: "you look like the before and after photos for a product that doesn't work."

"Eat any good books lately?"
..my favorite way of calling someone stupid

Sittin' outside of a Wendy's for free wifi lookin'-ass

It's really hard to overestimate you.

You're not loved, they just tolerate you.

I saw this on here recently:

"Working with you is like losing two good men"

my brother like spanish but did not know enough swear words so he would say things like fume mi huevos.

• I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you
• I’m sorry, I don’t know how to use any smaller words
• Do you know where your carer is?

‘Daft bint’