"Give me the sad ending this time."

I get a non-happy ending massage about once every three to six months, just depending on whenever the tension has built up enough.

I tried out a new place that was just called Thai Massage that I literally pass by every day on my way home from work and when I walked in I had sketch vibes right from the beginning.

I figured, what the heck? I don't know. The place does look a little rundown, but it was $60 for an hour, and they required that I pay in cash, and that should have been my clue to turn around and leave.

But I said fuck it, I actually had the cash on hand, so I paid the $60 up front and stripped down to my undies and laid there on the bed and the lady walked in and she was a relatively attractive 50-ish year old Thai lady and she just laid her hands directly on my genitals and said, "You like?"

I quickly told her, no thank you, I just wanted a regular massage.

She gave me a very lackluster regular massage that only took like 35 minutes.

Disappointing all the way around probably should have taken the hand job instead, honestly.

There's some clear clues on which venues are happy ending parlors.

• Avoid places with completely curtained windows. At least the lobby area should be visible to the public.

• Seek out places that refer to "massage therapists". Avoid "masseuse" or "massage parlor".

• The "crystal healing" "sound bath" hippy dippy places might try to sell you mushrooms but they are less likely to grab your dick.

• Avoid cash only places, they are trying to hide paper trails. Even if you're paying out of pocket, any place that accepts insurance isn't offering a "secret menu" .

• Low stated prices might mean they get by on big handy-based tips. They're cheap for a reason. Medium priced places are just charging for normal services.

• Check what kind of person is in their online reviews. If it's a middle aged man talking about how beautiful the "girls" are, skip. If it's a Karen complaining about how they used CBD oil, it's probably fine.

• Strip malls in general seem to attract this business niche, too. I'm not sure why.

If you're normally comfortable getting a massage naked, consider keeping your underwear on for your first visit with a new practitioner.

A medieval codpiece would probably send the right message.

(also RIP my search history)

So I get massages a lot. I'm a lady but its a pet peeve to hear someone getting tugged off in the next room. I'm not rich so I often go to places that run specials or discounts. I figured it out. Its a rub and tug place if they have curtains in the windows and it's a straight massage place if you can see into the waiting room. People aren't embarrassed to be seen waiting for a massage. They are not as excited for you to be seeing them go into a happy ending place.

So this probably doesn't help (except to back other people's experiences), but there was an asian massage place across from the place I got oil changes and tire swap/rotations (as stud to normal and back). I went there a couple times (first was weird about tipping, but I figured it was a communication issue), got comfortable with it, and the third time the lady put her hand on my junk and just raised her eyebrows. I slowly shook my head, and she went back to a regular massage. That was the last time I went there.

My wife was actually super upset. Not at me, but for me, saying I had been sexually assaulted. I had to explain that while technically that might be true, I was not in a position of vulnerability, she was just doing her thing (and I was clearly in the wrong place), and I get to define my own experience.

I've only had it offered one time and it was at a placey MIL suggested when I was in town. I usually go to cheaper Asian massage places too.

So towards the end of the massage she tapped my dick through the towel and said you like? I said no and couldn't wait to tell my MIL where she sent me.

My FIL went there for science after and confirmed my story and says he also said no but I have doubts.

I...never knew this was a real thing.

I don't think there is any easy way out besides going to the same backup place and hoping they'll remember your preference.

Ask if they take insurance.

I never have but I do get massages: Stick to licensed therapists in places like sports clinics, reputable spas, and actual massotherapy businesses and this shouldn't really be a problem.

here is an illustrated guide from our friends at penny arcade

https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2008/11/19/the-jubilant-culmination

The real happy ending is the friends you make along the way.

I mean, you could just book one of the many normal licensed sports therapists instead of the shady wanky ones maybe?

I appreciate this is probably the autism, but I've always been fascinated that most people seem to be comfortable with stripping down and being oiled up and touched by a stranger.

The odd thing is, I'd totally understand this in a sexual context - but for people to want this kind of contact just as a service, like a haircut or something, seems utterly alien to me.

I realise this doesn't answer your question, but like I said, I've always been fascinated by the concept.

This is such an odd problem. Are massage therapists not licensed in your state? I haven't ever run into that - I am a lady and prefer a male massage therapist, and nobody has ever been any sort of unprofessional. Husband is a man, prefers a female massage therapist and same - he jokes about it but it doesn't happen with legit places. My brother in law and his wife go to a Korean bathhouse that looks sketchy but they say it's similarly very safe, professional and no sex stuff. Because they don't want to lose their state license. If massage is regulated in Florida I don't understand how it's not regulated everywhere.

I'd probably tell the manager on your way in that you want massage! Only massage, nothing extra.

About half the time it ends with a happy ending attempt.

Wait, what?

You tell us: what is that like. How do they offer? Is it verbal? What do they say or do?

The happy ending places are usually pretty easy to spot from reviews or their website if they have one. A few indicators:

• The images they post online are just attractive women possibly giving massages. The focus is on the person giving the massage, instead of general relaxing imagery.
• Reviews are split down the middle between 5 stars with no details and 1 stars complaining about short, half-assed massages and requests for tips before the massage ends
• The building itself has all the windows covered and very little advertising except for a sign to reassure clients they have the right door.

The place matters, don't go to any sketchy places. I am not sure what qualifications/school exist in other counties but in Canada for insurance purposes massage therapists must be registered/licensed in order to recieve coverage. People who are registered are very very unlikely to jeopardize their career by breaking the law like that, not tomention it goes against everything we are taught. As an RMT myself it really makes me sad that this exists and sullies our industry and is brought up like a funny joke. Therapists should be asking for consent in order to work on any sensitive areas

I think it's a wink, then a nod, then asking (if you are a male) "can you please rub my penis until I ejaculate?". /s

Like 15 years ago a friend randomly showed me a website called tugmap. I asked what the fuck was wrong with him, but in retrospect something like that might be exactly what you need!

Depending what you want it for, but a sports massage is possibly a good option.

I've had a few for work related muscle tension issues. It's a different mentality to the massage parlours. It's also a lot more effective at problem solving, rather than feel good relaxing.

I remember a medium sized city nearby did a sting on some asian massage parlours. The undercover cops had a strict fidelity to their burden of proof and as such wanted to make sure they had enough evidence for their case and as such returned I forget, half a dozen or more times for handies.

They got mocked pretty hard for it. It's odd though, they are hands off on escorts and parlours usually idk why they went after these ones. They pushed all the street prostitutes off of the main roads on the side roads, while higher class ones will conspicuously work downtown on occasions, even right outside the police station.

Have you tried looking em square in the eye and saying "how about a handy?"

Get a Turkish massage. I promise you it will not have a happy ending

You have to look at the place you go to. If it has drawn blinds and no view inside I would avoid it. I mean its kinda obvious really to me which ones are which when driving around. Do go to ones with therapeutic in the name and mentions certified. It honestly does not take much for therapeutic place to get guys looking for more. I had a female massage therapist friend and she was pissed because the guy changed the logo. Their name said therapeutic and the logo had a caduceus but it also had a silloute of a long haired face. The hair sorta waving in the breeze. Apparently that was enough to get an uptick in men who were looking for more.

Don't worry, professional masseuse will make it clear to new clients that it isn't sexual.

If they don't...