What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

My favorite is Atsuko's "America: the escape room of countries" joke. https://youtube.com/shorts/ORIqrzU_07w

But I saw this dad joke recently that I liked:

I was at dinner in Italy. I couldn't remember the name of the dessert I wanted, the one with coffee over ice cream. I asked the waiter, and he couldn't remember either!

I'm a big fan of the Norm MacDonald jokes where the punchline is lame but the journey getting there is hilarious. Some examples

Pig joke: https://youtu.be/U-fi9M52qWk

Moth joke: https://youtu.be/OihZE4eXuig

Two guys are at the bar when one announces that he has to leave. "Where do you have to be?" "I have to go home to take care of the bees." "The bees? You keep bees?" "Yes, I keep bees." "You live in a studio apartment! Where do you keep the bees?" "In a shoebox under the bed." "You keep bees in a shoebox under the bed?" "Yeah. They're bees. Fuck 'em."

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, "I'll have a gin and...tonic." The bartender looks confused and asks, "what's with the big pause." The bear looks at the bartender and says, "well I'm a bear."

What's the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“ … ”

Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?

So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”

[long and NSFW]

Drew Barrymore's grandfather was an actor named John Barrymore. He was a sex crazed degenerate who possessed an ungodly penis. It was both huge and insatiable.

One Friday he was in Tajuana and was attacked by a madam at a brothel. The woman was enraged because he'd worn out all her girls before the weekend rush.

The police chief arrived, calmed the woman down, and escorted John to another house, where the star performer, Matilde, was known for pleasuring five men at a time.

The next morning the owner of the second house reported that Matilde had left her job, citing 'combat fatigue.'

The chief decided he had a golden opportunity. He took John to his office and laid out his proposal. He would rent a theater and provide a dozen women. Then the two of them would split the tickets. John loved the idea! It was a chance to combine his two great loves; performing and performing!

Ticket sales were brisk, and soon they decided to move the venue from a small theater to a bullfighting ring. Express trains were chartered in New York and Chicago, air ships were scheduled in London, Paris and Tokyo.

Twelve of the most depraved and enthusiastic prostitutes in the world were hired. Olga, the body builder who could crush a baseball bat without using her hands. Hareemi, the snake woman, who could lick the back of her own neck. The Goldfarb twins from Long Island. Jungle women, swamp women, some trained by science, and some unknown to science...

The big night finally arrived. One man traded a brand new Rolls Royce for a standing room ticket. The town had never seen anything like it!

Good taste forbids a graphic recounting of what happened that night. Suffice it to say that the first five women were left exhausted, and John was hardly breathing hard.

The next five were also given pleasure so intense that men in the closest seats suffered permanent hearing loss.

But it looked like John was slowing down.

Woman 11 came out and it was obvious that John was losing a step. Sweat poured from him, he was gasping, his eyes bugged out of his head!

The final woman was Raunchy Rita, the Texas Tornado. She could kill a pony by crushing it with her thighs and had often pleasured herself with a red hot branding iron.

No two accounts of that epic confrontation exactly coincide. The only fact everyone agrees on is that both titans has to be taken to the hospital when it was over.

Six days later, John came out of his coma. The police chief was there.

"Amigo, what happened? I thought you could do it easily."

"I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when we rehearsed it in the afternoon!"

"-IGHT NOW!"

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"TIME TRAVEL!"

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"

"R-"

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.

Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?

Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.

A gunshot is heard.

Hunter: Ok, now what?

i like to tell this at dinner parties, introduced as 'the holocaust joke'

jewish guy, gets thrown into a concentration camp. spends years in there.. somehow makes it through the entire war alive, saved by the americans at the very end. after the war he migrates to the united states, finds a bride and has a large family. he lives to a very ripe age of 99, and suddenly at his death, finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven.

the jewish man walks through the gates, down a long hall where he can just make out a looming figure at the end. he approaches god himself.

the jewish man says, "god, i'd like to tell you a holocaust joke"

god looks down at the man and in a booming voice says "sir, that is not funny."

the jewish man says "oh, i guess you had to be there"

"I always wanted to have a briefcase attached to my wrist with handcuffs. Alright." - Mitch Hedberg

"About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. 'Get on the plane, get on the plane!' I say 'Fuck you! I'm getting IN the plane! Let Evel Knievel get on the plane...'"

https://youtu.be/G1kK-_o_-tY&t=186

There are three guys running from the police in the wilderness when they reach a canyon. It’s definitely too steep to climb and way too big to jump.

That’s when the first guy speaks up. “Okay. I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but I’m a wizard. I’m going to cast a spell now.”

insert whatever you want here

“What I just did will make it so that what ever animal you call out next, you’ll turn into it. Follow my lead… Eagle!”

He turns into an eagle and flies gracefully across the canyon. The second and third guy are stunned, but they see lights approaching in the distance. The second guy gets worried.

“I don’t know about all this. He didn’t really tell us about how it worked.” Third guy doesn’t waste any time. “I can’t stand heights, but cops will never suspect a friendly bear roaming around these parts… Bear!”

He turns into a bear and lumbers into the woods to hide. Still not into the idea, the second guy starts running. Faster and faster through the woods. He trips over a rock! “Shit!”

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

3 peanuts were walking in a park.