[long and NSFW]

Drew Barrymore's grandfather was an actor named John Barrymore. He was a sex crazed degenerate who possessed an ungodly penis. It was both huge and insatiable.

One Friday he was in Tajuana and was attacked by a madam at a brothel. The woman was enraged because he'd worn out all her girls before the weekend rush.

The police chief arrived, calmed the woman down, and escorted John to another house, where the star performer, Matilde, was known for pleasuring five men at a time.

The next morning the owner of the second house reported that Matilde had left her job, citing 'combat fatigue.'

The chief decided he had a golden opportunity. He took John to his office and laid out his proposal. He would rent a theater and provide a dozen women. Then the two of them would split the tickets. John loved the idea! It was a chance to combine his two great loves; performing and performing!

Ticket sales were brisk, and soon they decided to move the venue from a small theater to a bullfighting ring. Express trains were chartered in New York and Chicago, air ships were scheduled in London, Paris and Tokyo.

Twelve of the most depraved and enthusiastic prostitutes in the world were hired. Olga, the body builder who could crush a baseball bat without using her hands. Hareemi, the snake woman, who could lick the back of her own neck. The Goldfarb twins from Long Island. Jungle women, swamp women, some trained by science, and some unknown to science...

The big night finally arrived. One man traded a brand new Rolls Royce for a standing room ticket. The town had never seen anything like it!

Good taste forbids a graphic recounting of what happened that night. Suffice it to say that the first five women were left exhausted, and John was hardly breathing hard.

The next five were also given pleasure so intense that men in the closest seats suffered permanent hearing loss.

But it looked like John was slowing down.

Woman 11 came out and it was obvious that John was losing a step. Sweat poured from him, he was gasping, his eyes bugged out of his head!

The final woman was Raunchy Rita, the Texas Tornado. She could kill a pony by crushing it with her thighs and had often pleasured herself with a red hot branding iron.

No two accounts of that epic confrontation exactly coincide. The only fact everyone agrees on is that both titans has to be taken to the hospital when it was over.

Six days later, John came out of his coma. The police chief was there.

"Amigo, what happened? I thought you could do it easily."

"I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when we rehearsed it in the afternoon!"