this post was submitted on 17 May 2025
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The Onion

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WASHINGTON—In a move that significantly restricts the eligibility of thousands of American troops to fight for their country on the front lines, senior U.S. military officials announced Wednesday that all men with girl names would now be forbidden from serving in combat roles.

The ban, which goes into effect immediately, prohibits male personnel with clearly feminine names like Jamie, Sandy, and Alexis from serving in all artillery, infantry, and armored units. According to a Defense Department memo, the military is less effective as a fighting force when it deploys men named Francis, Sloan, Carol, or Loren in active conflict zones.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 hours ago

like ALEX, casey,,,etc.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 13 hours ago

Seeing a batshit insane headline actually coming from TheOnion is really refreshing

[–] [email protected] 7 points 17 hours ago

Sorry Stacy, pack your shit!

[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 8 points 18 hours ago* (last edited 18 hours ago)

Same. It's just too real.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 22 hours ago

hate how possible onion articles are nowadays.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 15 hours ago

always been last name or shithead. 🤷‍♂️

[–] [email protected] 9 points 21 hours ago

"what kind of name is Lindsey for a man? Ash! Get this pansy out of here."

[–] [email protected] 1 points 16 hours ago

Jody your out. Now here's your separation documents and a list of the home addresses of all your battle buddies so you can keep in touch. Dismissed!

[–] [email protected] 96 points 1 day ago (4 children)

You got me. It's just so plausible at this point, I ate it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 hours ago

It wasn't until I saw your comment that I realised I ate the onion

[–] [email protected] 3 points 13 hours ago

At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if they're getting their policy ideas from The Onion.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

I know, right? If it's insane, it might actually come from El Trump.

Remember ths time a persident could be impeached for having his c0ck sucked by an intern.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 16 hours ago

I mean, Trump has been impeached and just like with Clinton, it doesn't matter.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 day ago (1 children)

As if joining a men’s only organization - sleep with, shower with, eat every meal with, roll around in the mud with - isn’t the gayest shit ever. Shut it all down and settle your disputes the good old fashion pissing contest way; whoever holds 2L of beer the longest.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 16 hours ago (1 children)

It’s not gay, if you say no homo.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 15 hours ago

Replace Semper Fi with No Homo and you’ve got a deal.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago
[–] [email protected] 3 points 22 hours ago

male personnel with feminine names can also cowardly bomb brown children from a safe distance.

[–] [email protected] 52 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Sponsored by Lindsey Graham.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 18 hours ago
[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 day ago

What you expect him to go by a different name? The teacher will have to report this to the parents.

[–] [email protected] 19 points 1 day ago (1 children)

So… if I want my son to be spared from the draft all I have to do is give him a traditionally masculine name like Kelly, Courtney or Ashley?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

if I want my son to be spared from the draft

Or Donald Trump.

[–] [email protected] 27 points 1 day ago

I ate it. It tasted like... fascism.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 day ago

Well, my daddy left home when I was three
Didn't leave very much to my mom and me
Except this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze
Now I don't blame him 'cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that my daddy ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me Sue

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) (1 children)

Whats hilarious about this is that senior commanders would be more likely to have “girls” names considering names tend to flip back and forth gender-wise. Any young Lindsay you meet today will likely be a girl, meanwhile you have old dudes like Lindsay Graham in the senate

Leslie is another one

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Mitch McConnell’s actual first name is Addison.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 22 hours ago

J.D. Vance’s first name is Jethica

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Brb, changing my name to I can avoid getting drafted

(Kinda wished this was real, that'd be an epic uno-reverse)

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Are you the guys on the beach who hate everything?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 day ago
[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

There's gotta be a Jody joke in there somewhere

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 day ago

We're looking at you Terry

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

They can come to canada to serve