Some people can’t fall asleep at night because of anxiety or guilt. Me? I’ve got real important philosophical questions that maybe you can help me out with:

Let’s say, theoretically, that I visited Margaret Thatcher’s grave. And let’s say, very theoretically, that I tried waiting until everyone left but people kept coming in. Absolutely so privacy smh.

Now obviously I’m just there to make sure she rests in piss. But you see, I’m a bit of a shy pisser and the crowds are theoretically preventing me from unzipping and doing my thing. What I wanna know is, would it still be based if I pissed my pants while standing on top of Margaret Thatcher’s grave and a little of it dribbled down my legs and eventually touched the gravestone, or would it still be cringe to piss myself in public on purpose?

“Surely there are more options than exposing yourself and pissing yourself.” You immediately think. Ok, sure, let me add a few rules since there’s no way this theoretical yellow shower would be the first to water Thatcher’s grave flowers. Let’s assume there’s at least one plainclothes guard hiding in the crowd, a no eating or drinking rule (so good luck sneaking in a “lemonade” and pouring one out for respect), and that there’s at least one security camera recording the gravesite. Hear me out: If you piss yourself you could claim afterwards you were having a medical episode and possibly get away with it even if they identify you. Just don’t pisspog.

So the questions are:

• Is pissing yourself on purpose in order to piss on Margaret Thatcher’s grave based?

• If you were trying to get away with it, what’s a more effective way to do it? Consider the conditions listed above.

• Am I a cowardly liberal for trying to get away with it and not just being a chad about it?

I want your essays turned in by the end of the day.