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submitted 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[-] [email protected] 177 points 5 months ago

Is this a parody, or did someone actually brag on twitter about having sex? I honestly can't tell what's satire any more.

[-] [email protected] 132 points 5 months ago

Could be either way, honestly. He's a fundie who bragged about remaining a virgin until marriage. He finally got hitched to a former Miss Universe of all people, at age 32 or something.

[-] [email protected] 96 points 5 months ago

Miss Universe

That shit's so rigged. Always an earthling. SMH

[-] [email protected] 31 points 5 months ago

Yeah, pretty much don't stand a chance unless you're a featherless biped with two boobs.

[-] [email protected] 12 points 5 months ago

Well who else would win, a vogon?

[-] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

Thinks of the tentacle possibilities. !

[-] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

Oh trust me, I do

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[-] [email protected] 68 points 5 months ago

Like a sea turtle trying to get up on a raft.

What a mental image. Brain bleach, stat, please.

[-] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago

I’m still chuckling over this.

[-] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago
[-] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago
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[-] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

I was at the zoo a few years ago when Aldabra Tortoises were fucking. It was that but a few octaves lower, and you could hear it from the start of the section. If you imaging what a large turtle fucking would sound like in some dumb sex comedy movie, it was exactly that.

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[-] [email protected] 66 points 5 months ago

He had THE Sex. You know the one sex you get in your life and then never again.

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[-] [email protected] 56 points 5 months ago

God was there

In the corner

Quietly jerking off

Then cumming over the two of them

God is a kinky dude, I like him.

[-] [email protected] 33 points 5 months ago

“And the Holy Spirit came upon them…”

[-] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago

Would you call that a blessing?

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

I want your blessings all over my face

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

Ask and you shall receive

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

Sack-ra-ment?

[-] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago

Can you feel the Holy Spirit inside you?

[-] [email protected] 14 points 5 months ago

He was on the cuck chair

[-] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

He got that woman pregnant once before her husband had even had a go.

From prima nocta to prima knocked-up.

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[-] [email protected] 43 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

Just keep in mind God doesn't think anal and oral sex (hopefully not in that order, but no shame you do you) counts according to some religious people i met.

[-] [email protected] 33 points 5 months ago

The legends of the poophole loophole are still spread to these days.

[-] [email protected] 22 points 5 months ago

He's definitely okay with oral. Provided you swallow.

There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.

-- Mark 7:15

[-] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago

Damn! Mark was one kinky motherfucker.

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[-] [email protected] 11 points 5 months ago

My understanding is that anal and oral are "wrong" in the same way masturbation is, it's spilling your seed outside of sex for procreation.

But like, clearly a tier better than premarital sex so...

[-] [email protected] 15 points 5 months ago

If you believe Jesus, even looking at a woman with lust in your heart is equivalent to full-on adultery, so no tiers. Many Christians actually believe that and, for example, would treat discovering a partner watching porn as if they've discovered the partner cheating.

[-] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago

That also isn't the moral of that story, despite what they tell you in Sunday school. Onan was punished because he didn't want to impregnate his brother's widow, which would have legally given his late brother an heir rather than Onan inheriting the property. Look up "levirate marriage".

[-] [email protected] 4 points 5 months ago

No one talks about the follow up to that story, where Onan’s dad Judah is like, “shit! this woman is trouble! I can’t lose my last son!” He basically tells Tamar (the widow) to go back to her dad, blows her off.

Tamar gets sick of it, goes into town, disguises herself as a temple prostitute. Judah comes to town, asks what it costs for a roll in the hay, and she asks for his family’s token so she’ll know he’s good for it.

She ends up pregnant, and the elders of the village bring her before Judah - “hey, your daughter in law was a whore and got knocked up, we are putting her to death.” He says, “who knocked you up?” - she produces the family token. He says “ah shit, you got me.” She has the kid, gets the inheritance. Depending on which gospel, she could be Jesus’s great (x a bunch) grandmother.

Like Genesis outright recognizes what she did as right. She’s the hero of the story.

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[-] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

according to some religious people i met

🥴

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[-] [email protected] 29 points 5 months ago
[-] [email protected] 23 points 5 months ago

Probably had it a couple of other times since then. Would have to check his posts to be sure. Willing to bet there were maybe a few times where God was not there.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

I used to fill in for god to watch him have sex, I thought him having god watch was for religious reasons, but he just can't get off unless someone's silently judging him in the corner.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

Are they still married?

These types typically call it quits quickly

[-] [email protected] 15 points 5 months ago

Even almighty God cannot witness things that fast.

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this post was submitted on 02 Feb 2025
1058 points (97.6% liked)

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