No Stupid Questions

Stoicism helped me. The dichotomy of control.

"You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this and you'll find strength." -Marcus Aurelius

Basically everyone is responsible over their own thoughts and actions.

I've had similar strong reactions to other things. In my case, I had some unresolved trauma that I wasn't even consciously aware of until I worked through it with a therapist. Not necessarily the case with you, but it might be worth talking to a professional if you have the means.

That being said, every office seems to have obnoxious coworkers (that's pretty much the premise of The Office, and why it did so well). And that can be annoying for sure. For me, I try to not take my work overly seriously, and I try to remember that others might find me obnoxious at times too.

Honestly, watching and thinking about the Pixar movie Inside Out helped me understand my anger a lot better. In the movie, Anger is kind of a joke character. But there's a line when he's introduced where Joy says "Anger wants things to be fair."

I think a lot about how when I'm angry, most of the time there's some imbalance that I want balanced, and I'm looking to inflict pain, either physical or emotional, in order to balance it out. The vast majority of times, that's not actually a winning strategy, either in terms of long or short term goals.

It doesn't always work, but trying to think in terms of what I actually want, why I want it, and what impulses and aims are leading to my feelings, has been a lot of help to not feeling so much like I'm being helplessly driven by my anger.

Honestly? The serenity prayer.

Give me the strength to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Yes it's pithy, and I'm pretty sure there's nobody, other than me, granting me strength. I use it more like an affirmation and a test. Can I control this? No? Then I let it go. If it's something I can change, I ask myself what's the most humane way of doing so? For example yelling at people and insulting them isn't very humane and isn't likely to result in change.

Another thing I actively try to remember is that people are not puppets. They have their own mind and their own agency. If they refuse to change then the problem gets let go. Life is too short to let other people's behavior bother you unless it's putting you at risk of being physically hurt. If none of this helps then removing yourself from the situation or breathing exercises might help.

I'm not some happy clam either, I struggle with this stuff everyday. Anyone who looks at my posting history can see me struggle with it. But this is the approach I've had the most success with.

On the off chance that you actually have a problem with audio processing, (loud or unexpected noises/talking triggering anger etc), you might try noise cancelling headphones.

Sometimes it helps to feel bad for someone instead of being angry at them. I think of Gandalf’s quote from LOTR:

“Frodo: 'It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill Gollum when he had the chance.'
Gandalf: 'Pity? It's pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. Some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment.”

Finding people annoying isn't the problem, people will always be annoying. If you find yourself exploding over small stuff, it means your mental resources for suppressing and tolerating such things have been depleted. Changing how you think of people can help, but I would examine your lifestyle as a whole and figure out why you aren't able to maintain said mental resources. You may not be resting enough, you may have other problems. It might be hard at first if you've not explored this stuff before, but it's well worth it in the long run.

Don't dismiss physical problems as a possibility either. Something that was surprising to me was blood pressure, apparently it was causing me to fly off the handle at times. Literally all it took was some minor weight loss and eating musli, and suddenly I'm fine again.

Drop caffeine. Seriously, that took me from reacting like the hulk to just getting flushed in the face (in most cases...I still flew off the handle sometimes, but like less than 20% compared to before). Next step that helped then was getting a non stimulant medication for ADHD, but that may not be needed for you.

I am not a better human being, but I'm combating my irritability one cause at a time. Firstly, treating physical conditions that cause irritability (as much as money has let me): hormonal issues, sleeping issues, etc. Secondly, addressing psychological and psychiatric problems (I had to learn a lot of these topics because I wasn't able to afford specialists all the time and it was an interest of mine anyway). Finally, fixing external or environmental causes, e.g. working on changing toxic relationships.

It is still a work in progress, but my life is getting calmer and calmer as I am ticking the boxes in that list. At some point, you get to a place where you can search for your own answers, existentially speaking, and that also helps. Here I mean exploring philosophy and your own ideas; your feelings, your passions, etc.

Be patient. Be compassionate with yourself (and others).

Not likely to help but for me it was joining the military.

Between the training I received and the situations I faced, nothing in civilian life has really been able to effect me.

It's been 25 years since I left the service and I can count on one hand the times I've actually been angry about something.

I transitioned...

Stopped being poor. My family instilling a poverty mindset meant stuff breaking led to many negative emotions. If you stop caring about how much that can ruin your financial situation, that's a massive reduction in stress and anger.

I get super pissed when my shitty laptop and/or internet connection slows to a crawl while I'm working from home. It feels (irrationally) like a betrayal. It's my stupid work equipment hampering me when I just want to get shit done.

I usually fly off the handle and curse a blue streak while rebooting everything. Sometimes I think it's AV or bossware slowing me down.

Seems to happen at the worst times, too. Like when I'm trying to fix something important, and am already under time pressure.

Ok, so this is a bit weird, but... I am set off by businesses or management that make patently terrible decisions - especially if I work there. I can barely hold it together in a meeting without shouting like a lunatic. I bottled it up until I started to lose my hair (not recommended). I eventually left to start my own business, where other people can rail about my poor decisions. Not everyone can/should start their own business, but you can look for another job that is a better fit for you. Remember when you interview, you are looking for cultural fit as much as they are looking for an employee.

I realized the hard truth is you don't get mad at shit you don't care about. And suddenly a lot of shit I got mad at felt really fucking stupid.

I also learned to take a deep breath before I act in anger, and it often calms me down enough to find a better solution.

For me, it was a number of things that all came about through my 20s. The biggest were learning both how and when to tell people "no", and making a conscious effort to think proactively rather than reactively.

What I mean by that is don't take on extra work only because someone asks you to, and if something goes wrong, only worry about it if you can actually do something about it. Both of these are skills that require practice.

Also, as others have said, think critically if it might just be a shitty work environment. If that's the case, consider looking for other work while keeping this job.

Why do you assume I am now a better person? In my defense, I have BPD. It takes nothing to shift my mood, and my emotions are cranked to 11 at all times. The best way to control my rage is to get the fuck away from what's pissing me off.

Human behavior is statistical. Everything you can think of there is someone doing it. Accept this fact and stop looking for normal and you’ll feel more peace.

Know that the reaction you have to their behavior is a “you” thing. The way you feel is certainly based on some past trauma or frustration. If you can figure out what that is and work in it, you’ll be free.

Notice when your teeth are clenching and muscles tensing, then consciously relax all your muscles.

It doesn't help with the cause of the anger, but it really reduces the need to retaliate.

When I get angry at someone online, I mute or block them

When I get angry at someone IRL, I walk away and put physical distance between us.

If it happens often and I cannot put distance between myself and the other person, then I take a few days to think about what made me angry and I draft a letter explaining my feelings and what are my needs to prevent it from occurring again. If it keeps happening, then I make changes to my life so I dont have to see them.

Flipped out over stupid shit. Hurt someone i loved. Decided to be better. Took 10 years beyond that, but there was progress that whole time.

Anti-anxiety meds.

Anxiety isn't the cause of all people's short fuse, but it was for me.

And to be clear, I wasn't really "anger" issues as in "blowing up at other people". You don't work retail long before you learn how to put on a happy face. It was more "anger issues" that I would just seethe to myself at all the stupidity around me, completely unable to let even the littlest shit go.

Driving was the worst. I was an asshole as a driver. My entire time travelling to work would often be filled with a constant litany of yelling and swearing to myself, knowing full well that the other person can't hear me.

Since no one had actually answered you: In roughly 30 minutes increments.

Do you wear a watch? I find it helps massively. Make a point of looking at it. I don't know what your work situation is, or living situation, but if you feel the wire trip, time it. Go and take a thirty minute break elsewhere. Toilet, conference room, cupboard, who cares just as long as you can be by yourself, and not be bothered. Write a journal, note why you got pissed off. Simmering anger can sabotage easily because it is basically you against you. Like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. It can also be addictive. Note that too.

Thirty minutes I guarantee it the anger will have gone.
Plan your day so when you deal with them, you get it out of the way nice and early. You don' t need them dropping a load of shit in your lap at 4pm on a friday. Know when to be gone, if you know what I mean.

In many cases, I think you need to figure out what (sources) is making you angry and trying to alter or remove that influence such that you are insulated from it. Anger should be listened to altho not necessarily the last word or sole authority on anything.

Anger is meant to protect you from being further harmed or taken advatnage of. It pays to consider what it is telling you and use it as a compass as well as an anti-compass in terms of who you should be involved with and who is problematic for your well-being

You gotta get yourself insulated to thr point that any further incursion is basically the perpetrator or associate stabbing themself in the own dick. You gotta get that shit happening on their dollar and time, not yours. Thats the only way it ever stops

Its all about easing them into consequences and you being insulated from it. Always insulate, help/force them off the boat into the sinking lifeboat with sharks at the ready to ease them into their destruction and elimination while you delicately whisper reassuring words into their hearts while ushering their transition home or wherever they belong (the place you take the liberty of determining in their stead for them).

Its a decision only you can be trusted to make for them but in time they will come to adjust to their new reality you're helping shoehorn them into

Anger is our inability to understand or accept the true nature of things.

You could learn to accept it for what it is, as it's not yours to spend energy on it.

People are flawed, you are people too. Equally flawed, just differently.

Post marking this thread for edit with more details later, after I've had a nap.

Maybe work on that inflated ego first.

I started therapy and my therapist helped me see that my fucked-up childhood left me with lots of triggers, which we examined. Understanding those triggers reduced their power. I also now understand I can leave stressful situations before I blow up. I don't have to constantly mask.

So, therapy. It's awesome. If your first therapist isn't a good fit it's ok to find another one.