Steve From “Blue's Clues” Touches Hearts of Millennials by Beating Dan Schneider to Death With His Bare Hands : theonion

[–] [email protected] 37 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

I didn't know it was possible for me to love the Hard Times even more! This is fantastic. I especially love these bits:

At this moment Steve starts singing ‘here’s my fist it never fails, when I swing it really sails, when it strikes I want to wail, dieeeeee!!!’ and then he just starts bashing in Dan’s skull

and

At press time, it was reported that a spotted blue puppy was seen in LA carrying around the decapitated head of convicted pedophile and former Nickelodeon employee Brian Peck.

Fuck, I just love it so much. Beautiful! Thanks for posting this here, ZeroCool!

[–] [email protected] 26 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Holy crap, what happened to Dan Schneider?

[–] [email protected] 68 points 6 months ago (3 children)

It's pretty much an "open secret" that he's a pedophile who abused a number of the female stars of Nickelodeon shows.

This is a vine from one of his former stars. I don't see any way to interpret that except as a cry for help with the thinnest fucking veneer of hiding behind comedy.

Beyond that, of what I understand to be the openly verifiable stuff, he's openly a sex pest with a foot fetish as he has had a number of incredibly out of place scenes involving shots of underage female stars feet in the shows he has overseen, and he also tried to start a trend of getting (mostly underage) fans of his shows to write messages on their feet and post the pictures to twitter. I think it was "supposed" to be some sort of campaign to bring a show back?

Man is at absolute best a disgusting fucking creep preying on the underage for his foot fetish. Tons of circumstantial evidence that he's much much worse than that.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 6 months ago

Don't forget, he's had multiple pedophiles on his set. You don't just get a bunch of pedophiles in your orbit for no reason.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 6 months ago (1 children)

No, I know all that, I was referring to the picture. He's looking rough.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 6 months ago

I mean he’s been fat most of his life and he’s pushing 60. But yeah his lips look weird with that beard

[–] [email protected] 8 points 6 months ago (1 children)

its possible to have a foot fetish without being a creep about it. let's not kink shame the pedophile rapist sex pest.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 6 months ago (1 children)

its possible to have a foot fetish without being a creep about it.

Although that's a perfectly innocent fetish under normal circumstances, it is not Innocent when he's getting sexual gratification from minors without their knowledge. That's creepy as fuck. Nobody would care if he was attracted to the feet of consenting adults.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago

no different than him creeping on any other part of their bodies.

[–] [email protected] 23 points 6 months ago

“If there’s one thing I always wanted to teach the kids who watched ‘Blues Clues’ it’s that you have to be ready to do the right thing,” said Steve from behind the glass in the local jail. “That’s why after watching the ‘Quiet on Set’ documentary I knew I had to take action. I followed all of the clues before sitting down in my thinking chair and thinking about what to do. I soon realized that abused children, Dan Schneider, and my fists all added up to justified vigilante justice. My dog might be blue but I vowed my hands would be magenta after I was done with him.”

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago

Mighty little man!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago (1 children)

"You've gone to the DEAD of the Class! Say hi to Howard Hesseman for me!"
(audience hoots and cheers wildly)

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

Howie is waiting for the day that hairpile finally kicks off and slides into hell.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

Elvis is dead. Tupac is dead. Steve from Blue's Clues is dead. Let it go. I'm sick of his denials by now.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago

is that, anthony fantano, the notorious music review guy?

I don't remember steve looking like that.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Huh, I thought Steve died a few years ago.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago

No, he just went to college. Although it is possible he was replaced with a liberal doppleganger while there.

[+] [email protected] -45 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

1

[–] [email protected] 76 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (4 children)

“hands would be magenta” my guy you probably shoulda googled that word before committing to it.

Magenta is a purple-ish red color which on it's own doesn't really work as a reference to blood, but the author chose that specific color because it's also the name of Blue's friend next door, a dog named Magenta.

https://bluesclues.fandom.com/wiki/Magenta

Perhaps you should've googled that before committing to your comment?

[–] [email protected] 37 points 6 months ago

It also works as the color of bruises, which your hands would be after viciously beating someone.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago

Magenta is a purple-ish red color which on it’s own doesn’t really work as a reference to blood

That's something an honour-less p'takh would say.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 6 months ago (2 children)

From the wikipedia page "Shades of Magenta"

The page itself.

A good chunk of those shades are very easily "busted up/bruised" colors.

[–] [email protected] -3 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

On a second, more careful review of that wikipedia page:

I thank you for being the only person to actually address and correct my mistake. While the color I was brought up to understand as magenta and the color of the flower I got when I googled "magenta" and the color of the relevant dog (if you squint, maybe) do not look like any bruise or blood, the color can be fairly said to take up more space in the color wheel than that, and potentially includes many "bruised" colors.

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