President Trump took control of the police in Washington, D.C. and deployed the National Guard to crack down on rampant crime and destruction after accidentally watching a 30-second YouTube clip of the January 6th riots he provoked, sources confirmed.

“This once great city that was built on the world’s most beautiful swamp is being destroyed by a horde of bearded, tubby, radical left lunatics with ill-fitting pants. Just today I watched news footage of the gorgeous Capitol Building being destroyed by these Antifa thugs sent from New York by Mamdani, who we are going to deport by the way. No way that guy is staying here, he’s gone,” said Trump from his underground bunker. “That is why today I’m calling up the National Guard to come in and restore order. Everyone in the National Guard has been begging me to let them loose, they call me up they say ‘Mr. Trump, Biden ruined this city, it’s a mess. Dogs are peeing on trees, I saw someone littering, please let us beat people up.’ Attorney General Pam Bondi, she’s great isn’t she folks? And look at those legs, they go all the way up to heaven and beyond, and she’s got a brain to match, she’s going to lead the crack down and we know she’s going to do a great job.” [...]

Troubled businessman and 53-year-old memelord Elon Musk has once again made headlines with a new business venture, announcing the release of his new baby name book “From Arargnft to Zrrfppfortt”.

Musk, who has enough children to field at least 1.3 professional cricket teams, says that he hopes his new book will free parents from choosing baby names that are conventional or good.

“I really just want parents to smash tradition. Like pick it up and just smash it. Really smash it,” said Musk at an afternoon press conference. He then proceeded to pick up a wireless keyboard and smash it into the wall several times. “See, that just spelled out Y7u3kf. That could be a name. We just smashed traditional baby names. Get it? Do you get it? Please tell me you get it.” [...]

Local woman Charlotte Kissinger is reportedly only dating boyfriend Matt Bower for the truest contents of his character, sources speculated.

“I can’t help but worry Matt is being used,” said Bower’s childhood best friend Jack Bucknell. “Charlotte loves him and all, but sometimes it seems like she’s only dating him for his wit, wisdom, goodness of heart, and quality of mind. Like she has some sort of kindness fetish. You know, Matt also has abs and money. He’s pretty good at tennis. He had on some pretty cool slides yesterday, and it was like she didn’t even notice.” [...]

In a chaotic and alarming scene that sent West Wing staffers springing into action, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump had been rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center to watch a woman’s breast exam.

Early this morning, Secret Service agents were seen whisking the president out of a Cabinet meeting and onto his Marine One helicopter after they received word that an attractive 27-year-old Army specialist had arrived at the Bethesda, MD medical facility for her routine cancer-screening procedure. Multiple commercial flights were said to have been grounded or rerouted to clear the airspace and ensure Trump arrived before the patient began to disrobe.

“I knew we were in a race against time when I saw the president’s eyes rolling back as he imagined this lady taking her shirt off,” said Trump aide Trent Dixon, who recalled how he prayed beside the president as they rode in the helicopter, asking God to keep the woman on the examination table as long as possible. “I kept telling him, ‘You’re going to make it, sir. You’re going to see those breasts.’” [...]

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules.

ABS Innovations newest hire quit today citing the immense psychological strain from the pressure of having to deliver a sufficiently “fun” fact about herself in her first week.

Mica Rivera was initially excited about landing her new job as an Accounts Manager. However, it soon became clear that her manager was expecting her to deliver a fun fact at her first team meeting as a way of breaking the ice and helping the rest of the team get to know her. The days leading up to the team meeting were met with sleepless nights and frantic text chains. [...]

“I should’ve just taken a nap instead of popping open my blood boy fridge and getting a quick hit,” said the anxious fintech founder, noting that so much blood so late in the day was bad for his sleep schedule and he could already feel the middle schooler’s testosterone upping his heart rate.

At press time, the destitute bridesmaids had reportedly made appointments to sell their plasma in order to afford the $600 floor-length sage green gowns required for Atkinson’s wedding ceremony.

Local ICE agent Tony Stockton added wounded veteran plates to his Ford F150 after getting his feelings hurt in what he referred to as “the Battle of San Bernadino,” confirmed sources who were pointing and laughing.

“We were just following orders and trying to catch a couple of farm worker ladies. They were leaving an alfalfa field to allegedly pick up their toddlers and we were told they might be undocumented,” said Stockton. “The women went into a building decorated with primary colors and we followed. We were planning to send them to an internment camp, but then a pre-school teacher referred to us as the modern day gestapo and gave us a double middle finger. It’s almost like the general public despises us. I tried calling the VA to talk to them about my PTSD and they hung up. My wife said I should go to therapy, but I don’t believe in it.” [...]

Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep and leaving the fireplace unattended. [...]

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/sleepytime-tea-bear

In what is being hailed as a victory for advocates of the right to end one’s life in total humiliation, the Idaho Legislature passed a new death with indignity law Thursday that will allow the terminally ill to be crushed by falling vending machines. “Across our state, people dying of incurable diseases will now have the right to choose a slow, painful, and really embarrassing death,” House Speaker Mike Moyle said of the bipartisan measure that is expected to be signed into law today, remarking that the option to die in the manner of a person who has rocked a vending machine back and forth, perhaps when it failed to dispense change or release a desired food item, had been legal in Switzerland for many decades. [...]

Stressing that the whole thing would probably be kind of cool, a new report released Tuesday confirmed that seeing a llama would be a fun change of pace. “All of our data indicates that catching sight of a llama would be a gratifying turn of events,” read the report in part, explaining that viewing the hoofed, woolly mammal would pleasantly mix things up a bit. “While it would certainly not solve all of your problems, seeing a llama would in all likelihood be an enjoyable, exciting occurrence nonetheless. [...]

“Contrary to the belief of coworkers, neighbors, distant relatives, and Mr. Dempsey himself, this so-called ’hopeless’ man actually still had one infinitesimally small shred of hope, which he became aware of in the process of losing said last shred of hope,” said noted therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum

Clarke, who works at sea, has long prepared for the possibility of washing ashore on a tropical island, but admits that in retrospect his supply kit may have overprioritized early 2000s hard rock albums over basic medicine.

The South Betoota Polytechnic Academy of Phonetics And Speech Study has today dropped a bombshell new report.

Built off the back of nearly a decade’s worth of clinical trials and studies, the new research has revealed there is an entire generation of kids who sound like they went to an international school.

“Yes, we’ve found nearly 74% of children between the age of 4-10 all sound like they went to school at international school, or have lived in multiple countries,” said Hugh Speakman, the lead researcher.

“The remaining others either have those weird home school accents or are multi-lingual.”

“Many of them sound like a kid who’s learnt how to speak using some weird Microsoft Sam technology.” [...]

“We’re reaching a critical point in our history as a species,” said meteorologist Carol Anderson. “Between the Trump presidency, Israel committing genocide in Gaza, and that shitty new I Know What You Did Last Summer reboot, we need to do everything we can to reverse course and get the planet back on the right track. For the past twenty-five years, our Tomatometer score has been slowly dipping, but we’ve been hovering at a generous 60% for a while now – right above the critical ‘Rotten’ range. Recently, though, a bunch of fucking horrible things have been happening all at once, and that percentage score is rapidly declining as more and more critics weigh in.”

A Palestinian child has miraculously recovered from his critical starvation after being made aware of the “complicated” nature of his circumstances. [...]

US President and man with definitely nothing to hide Donald Trump is reportedly weighing up what country to bomb in the latest attempt to get everyone to move on from that whole ‘friendship with a paedophile’ thing. [...]

Arousing suspicion among the digital marketing firm’s employees with its warm and solicitous tone, an encouraging email sent from the account of Pulse of Tomorrow CEO Herb Enman was quickly flagged as a phishing attempt and deleted, sources reported Thursday. “I’ve never seen anything like this in my life—he even spelled the name of our company correctly,” said social media manager Esther Perez, who expressed concern when she noticed the email’s tone bore little resemblance to the CEO’s usual cold and hostile writing style. [...]

Despite Carlsen’s exuberance, renowned psychologist Dr. Melina Forrester asserts that there is no research to back up his lofty expectations.

“‘I’m sorry, this bozo believes that by purchasing an item of clothing it will supposedly serve as an outward expression of his taste. Will it turn his life around? No. There is absolutely no research to support that. Just a hunch,” said Dr. Forrester. “But hey, if you see him rocking the shirt, maybe give him a nod and smile to acknowledge it. I mean, don’t be too nice. It’s just a band tee––it’s not like he’s actually working on himself by going to therapy or joining a gym or meditating. Either way, this guy clearly needs a win. Actually, he probably needs a bunch of wins. Like literally so many wins.”