thefartographer

Selena was shot by her own friend/manager

I thought he saved his urine in jars

Then again, I guess you can save multiple things in jars

@[email protected] I'll give you a slice of pizza if you do it again but longer and louder

Thanks! Now that I've got a fan base to disappoint, it's time say something disturbingly sexist or transphobic.

Girls have a button and boys have a pole. Wicked touching takes its toll.

And then write Harry Potter style books about himself!

• President Trump and Roger Stone
• President Trump and the Chamberpot of Secret Documents
• President Trump and the Prisoner of Financial Scams
• President Trump and Everyone's Fired
• President Trump and the Order of the Hamberder
• President Trump and the Half-Baked Concept of a Plan
• President Trump and the Deathly Hollow Promise

Night night. Ugh, feel like just fell asleep

Also he puts his wiener into furniture and says he doesn't

While I don't agree with your statement, as a republican, I have no ability to tell you whether I like or dislike what you've said. I know which one and only statement I like, and your statement was not it.

\s

Probably doing a golf pop

Wait wait wait, now you're just bungling the story tooooo much.

• It was a quail hunt, not pheasant
• Yes, security detail was there, but he didn't shoot any of them. He shot a lawyer and the secret service helped him
• The lawyer he shot also had a heart attack from one of the pellets getting close to his heart
• The secret service claim they waited an entire fucking hour before notifying the local sheriff
• The sheriff said they didn't find out until the next day

What probably happened is he got target fixation while the bird flew in a path that... well... ooooppsssies

You forgot the best part of the whole "ooooppsssies":
The fucking lawyer later went on tv TO APOLOGIZE TO DICK CHENEY FOR HIS BAD PUBLICITY DUE TO GETTING SHOT IN THE FACE

"I really think we should listen to what Jeremy has to say. Sure, he gets drunk and challenges children to fight him at the playground, and yes he might be a tiny bit of an arsonist, and if you're gonna nitpick then yes he stomps on pigeons in the park, but you don't understand! I saw him accidentally knock over an old lady the other day and he apologized! Not only that, he made sure she was okay! I think he's truly reformed and we should trust him now."

Also, I get why you said "pheasant" hunt and thought that was hilarious, but c'mon... If there were ever a time to bring up duck hunting, shouldn't it be now by the infamous @[email protected]?