or more like i needed to get out of here a year ago but now it's gotten unignorably bad. i used to post on here under "afters" if anyone remembers any of my posts, but to summarize i'm a queer brown nd person who had a decently happy childhood until i was forced to move and grow up in an abusive neglectful household in an awful southern state and then managed to escape to a better state for almost 2 years around 2022 before capitalism and lack of anyone willing to cultivate meaningful friendship or connection with me caught up to me and forced me to move back to that house i thought i would never return to. i thought it was gonna only be 1-3 months but now i've been here for almost 1.5 years because i have no money and can't find any type of work that doesn't feel intensely demeaning or not worth the labor. i have no degree and no desirable skills besides music and working with youth.
and now my much younger generational gap sibling is being institutionalized for self harm and suicidal thoughts..... something that i literally went through myself around their age, and something i warned the adults around about constantly. just living with my abuser has been triggering enough for me and this is just the straw that broke the camels back. i'm completely fucking triggered and the adults still don't seem to understand what they're doing wrong.
anyways i don't want this to be venting about my family or my life. i just know for a fact that i only have like 5% of my soul left and i don't have the capacity left to navigate or deal with this bullshit. i want to leave so badly but i don't want to leave one tramautic situation just to end up in another. i have 0 friends... i guess i have people i know that i thought were my friends but ever since i was forced to come back here and decided to quit social media its become really apparent that none of these people thought of me as a friend the same way i thought of them as a friend or consider friendship, people who i'd already asked for help and they weren't willing to provide it or were too preoccupied with their already set "friends". so i don't even have a lead about a potential place to go or crash. i tried the big city move and work all the time just to have 0 friends and 0 time to develop friends, i tried the vagabonding around meaninglessly.
i maybe have $100 to my name, a passport, no data plan but i do have a phone and laptop. i crave stability so badly, i crave friendship so much, i despise sooooo much of what people are putting their energy towards... the craziest part is, despite all this i've been putting my absolute all into myself, getting my health mind and body right, preparing instead of wallowing, and i feel the strongest i have ever felt in this very moment, physically and mentally, funny enough it's the hardest moment of my life too. i don't expect anyone to have the answer and i feel silly even making this post, but any words of advice are appreciated. i was thinking of posting to mutual aid too but i don't want to take space away from others + not even sure what i would do with money besides something to keep my food or shelter or transit going
This is why i cringe when people say “just go outside” “just touch grass” brother the outside is more horrific than inside and i would be touching dead grass and concrete