Hey y'all, so I'm having a hard time even typing that I've had the crazy epiphany that I'm transfemme? I'm shaking with the anxiety it's inducing just to write that out.

I barely even know where to begin or where I want to go with this. I'm 30, and recently I had some thoughts I'd just labeled as "weird" and tried to shelve away. Funny enough my mental health had hit a new low at such a particularly close timing, wild coincidence I'm sure 🙃 Well yesterday night my lovely girlfriend (who, as I type all of this, I'm becoming more suspicious already knows) decided the next movie on our list HAD to be "I Saw The TV Glow" (not a first watch for her) and holy shit I've never had a movie hold a mirror up to me so plainly as to make me nauseous. I'm normally a huge crier and while it had my partner in crime leaking from the eyes at several points, I was left tearless and feeling like I'd been repeatedly punched in the gut before the ending made me feel sucker punched for the extra effort.

And the fucking movie still made me feel FUCKING HOPEFUL about this is I can just come out.

My family is all the type to support me, so I'm not as scared there (still pretty terrified tho). My biggest fear with all of this is disappointing myself again. I've done a lot of that and I don't know how much of that I can still take.

I don't even know what I want to hear from others right now but I appreciate anything. I'm just hoping writing this post keeps me from getting an ulcer.

Hope I'm not breaking any rules posting something so rant-y.

I seriously cannot have any degree of nuanced conversation here.

Like I get it, we all know capitalism is bad, but it feels like every time I or anyone go towards discussing the steps that need to be taken to address current looming problems in the short term, someone has to jump in and shut it down with "capitalism bad >:[ " and tear down any idea presented because its not complete and total destruction of the current economic model.

The result just feels like an echo chamber where no actual solutions get presented other than someone posting whole ass dissertations on their 33-step (where 30/33 steps are about as vague as "we'll just handle it") plan to fully convert the world to an anarchist commune.

Edit: I still vastly prefer Lemmy and the fediverse and a whole, my complaint here is that many of you are TOO INTENSE. You blow up small scale discussion.